All Content Copyright 1995-1999, Ed T. Toton III
All Rights Reserved.
Below you will find descriptions of some of the products that have become
available through the efforts of the Institute. Please note that all of
these products are protected by a warantee against manufacturing defects
only. We are not responsible for any injuries or deaths caused by
the use or abuse of these products. We make no statement to the safety
of these products.
All of these products are tested by interns here at the Institute. We assure you that they all function as advertised. Any and all deaths and dismemberments during testing were completely coincidental and unrelated, except where such was the point of the product.
Now without further ado, on to the products! (more to be added later)
Have you ever found yourself in need of a superior biological weapon, only to discover that the disease you ordered was not sufficiently potent? Never fear, for the NeoScience Institute has developed a contagion that will impress even your enemies. The latest breakthroughs in genetic engineering have been put to use to create an extremely viable strain of necrotizing bacteria. Just how virulent is it? Our lab tests show that it is 100% fatal and 99% communicable among humans. This level of fatality and effective transmission is due in part to a new radical technique of creating a symbiotic viral agent, derived from a T4 Bacteriophage, that is carried by the bacteria.
Normal showers are only capable of washing you in three dimensions. But what about that hard-to-reach fourth dimension? Most of the time it gets neglected, leading to oily or waxy build-ups that you aren't even aware of due to the limits of human perception. But never fear, for we have recently discovered an inexpensive means to clean beyond the three-dimensional cross-section that we're used to! Our patented new shower-head attaches in minutes, replacing that old mundane one you've been using. Just turn on the water, and enjoy a soothing array of interdimensional water jets. It's the latest in extratemporal hygiene!
Now in an easy-to-use do-it-yourself form, the Brain Transplant Kit has never been simpler or more effective. Use it on yourself, or your friends! It's completely automatic. Simply have the transplantees lay down with their heads positioned within the large openings marked "Danger", and press the large red button. In a matter of minutes, after all of the screaming and blood spewings have stopped, the brains of the two individuals will have been swapped. Caution- may result in inadvertant lobotomy, or accidental catatonia. Lab tests have also shown a small percentage of permanent zombie-like monsterism.
Using DNA and some cerebral samples from Albert Einstein, we have managed to make fully-functional clone/cyborg pseudo-scientists that can accomplish a variety of laboratory tasks, including mathematical calcuations of varying degrees of complexity. We call this artificial humanoid "Sveistein", because in our opinion, you'll find it twice as useful as the original Einstein. Note- not capable of independant thought or conceptualizing general or special relativity.
The technology of today has allowed our relativity section of our physics department to work in conjunction with the engineering group to bring you this device for use in laboratory conditions. Though small, the Nuclear Leech Accelerator will allow you to accelerate leeches nearly to the speed of light, without harming them! Use it to test the effects of time dilation or rapid acceleration on living tissue, or use it as part of a life-form super-collider, or even use it as a weapon, we don't care! But we are certain you will find this to be a valuable addition to your science endeavors.
The R&D boys down in our Necromancy Lab came up with a wonderful idea. This device acts as a sort of ectoplasmic homing beacon that attracts the attention of wandering spirits. Think of it as a sort of bird-call, except that it summons ghosts! The package contains everything you need, and is ready to go right out of the box. Just set the 5 ionizer pylons around the perimeter of a small circle (forming a pentagon), and place the beacon in the center, and turn it on! Note- May leave a waxy ectoplasmic residue, batteries not included. Warning- stay within the circle at all costs, and lab tests have shown a slight chance of demonic posession and/or residual poltergeist presence.
You write, and we listen! Due to popular demand, we have finally made available our fully-functional replicas of the atomic bomb used in the Trinity Test on July 16, 1945. Now you too can have the same thrill that was felt by Oppenheimer and the other scientists involved in the world's first atomic detonation. Accurate in every detail, this bomb will produce precisely the same blast strength as was acheived in the desert in New Mexico. We've managed to reduce the cost of these tremendously by mass-producing the components, so even if you're not looking for historical accuracy, this bomb may be sufficiently cost effective for your needs.
Genesplicing at it's finest! We've recovered enough DNA fragments from fossils and preserved insects in amber to piece together a completely viable gene sequence to create velociraptors. We didn't have to improvise and use frog DNA like some others have had to. Ours are 100% real velociraptor! Nothing beats looking a real 'raptor in the eye, knowing that it is both willing and able to rip you to shreds. Act now, these are in limited supply!