The NeoScience Institute

All Content Copyright 1995-1999, Ed T. Toton III
All Rights Reserved.

Services are held on sundays from 9am to noon at each of our participating locations. Standard attire is black. Bring flowers.

Just kidding.

Anyway, we have a variety of services available here at the Institute, even though it isn't exactly one of our major reasons for existing. Disclaimer- We do not gaurantee the efficacy or safety of these services in any way. The only thing you can be sure of is that we will take your money, and that something will happen. Having said that, here is a list of just a few of the services we offer:

Anti-Heisenberg Match-Making Service

Frustrated with the difficulties of finding that special someone? Tired of searching without knowing what you'll find? With the Anti-Heisenberg Match-Making Service, we remove the uncertainty from your dating experience. Disclaimer: emotional complications resulting from existing in two different states until observed are normal and should be expected.

Posession Propensity Tests

Have you ever wondered how susceptible you are to demonic posession or to on-going spiritual haunting? Now there is a test to determine exactly that. All that is required is to make an appointment at one of our non-secret regional offices, and let our Demonology Personel take a shot at it. Results take anywhere from seconds to decades.

Insect Launching

We have recently made our Insect Cannon available for use by the general public. Originally designed to send individual insects into orbit, the power and range of the device has been dramatically increased, allowing you to send cockroaches and crickets into interstellar space. All you need to do is show up and bring your own insects!

Dismemberment Chamber

For those who can't afford to buy their own robotic dismemberment chambers, we've made one of ours available. Just set up a reservation and pay in advance, and you can have unlimited use of it for the entire day. Dismember as many individuals as you want in the time allotted! We don't even charge extra for excessive clean-up of blood and fragments of flesh and bone. It's great family fun!

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