The NeoScience Institute

----====[ From NeoScience Institute ]====----
----[ Recent Breakthroughs ]----

Todays topics include several recent breakthroughs in science that are worthy of publication, as they will directly benefit you, the readers (and even that strange fellow that sits next to you in the barber shop, and the dentist office, and the movie theatres, etc.. Say, just who is that guy anyway?!?).

Many have often wondered, "what if dreams were created the way programs are written?" Our search for the answer led us to the first of todays topics. What we found was quite remarkable, and I'm sure you will agree with me that this will very quickly become the latest fad in our society.

What I'm talking about is MS-DOS (MacroSloth Dream Operating System), which is the newest in Thought-Action Electronics. I know, I know, most people have a hard time accepting the fact that an artifical dream management system could possibly work more efficiently than their own subconcious mind. But let's take a look and see what this thing has to offer.

Features included:

• 1 year limited warrantee, which includes repair or replacement (at the discretion of the company) in the event of a complete cerebral synaptic inversion.
• Thought swapping. Images, memories, and thought processes which are not currently in use are swapped into that 90% of your brain you never use, thus saving space in your primary grey-matter.
• True-Type fonts allow you to actually read things in your dreams without the wording changing as you go along.
• User has a choice of running it in Real mode or Protected mode. (Real mode has the highest level of realism, whereas Protected mode limits the risk of a dream ending prematurely).
• Upgrades and expansion packs are expected to be available within the next quarter, which will allow users to pick and choose the genre of their dreams, ranging anywhere from medeival combat to adult titles.
• Advanced multitasking system which allows you to dream multiple dreams simulteously.

We were quite anxious to try it out, and spent several weeks testing it. We could have had more to report if our superiors hadn't kept complaining about all our lab assistants sleeping on the job, but here's what we managed to put together:

First off, we were dissappointed by the fact that the multitasking system was not all that was promised by MacroSloth. While you could run two dreams together, one would usually be paused while the other was in use. Additionally, the more dreams you would run, the more frequently the whole system would lock up leaving the user stuck in an endless loop until someone unplugs him/her. Also, the dreams would tend to bleed into one another. A good example of this was when we tried running a football dream with a school exam dream. It was amazing how many equations and multiple choice questions required completion before we were permitted to score a touchdown, and just how many little men were running around on the desk kicking the pencil back and forth.

We also discovered that those who have a poor short-term memory would experience frequent slow-down effects in the dreams. This was undoubtedly due to the inordinate amount of thought-swapping being performed to make up for the lack of available memory space. MacroSloth promises to make up for this with a cerebral cache implant, which should be available for beta testing in two years.

We were also dismayed that no expansion packs are available yet, and when asked MacroSloth informed us that they were not planning to make any. However they assure us that other third party manufacturers are bound to take advantage of this new medium and create dream packs. This didn't make us feel any better when we also discovered that expansion packs won't be supported until version two, and no standards have been layed down yet. We contacted a few third party manufacturers, and of those who expressed interest in creating dream packs, none had ever heard of it, and each and every one of them had a different idea about how to make them.

One thing that worries us is the concept of brain viruses. A heavily computer-dependent brain-link provides the perfect means for an invasive program to enter and rewrite the brains programming. Most medical insurance policies only cover biological viruses, the ones that exist as protein and RNA/DNA sequences, not data viruses which exist merely as little 1's and 0's. The possible effects a virus could have on someone's mind are numerous and not very pretty. Imagine someone who breaks out into a seizure everytime he or she tries solving a math problem. Imagine also someone who opens the refrigerator door, closes it, and continues to repeat that cycle for hours until someone comes along and reboots him/her. Another possibility is a complete memory wipe resulting in permanent amnesia. Hopefully some legislation on the matter will be resolved in the near future.

The next breakthrough for today is an interesting item which is bound to sweep across the globe and become the latest fad. Do you remember "mood rings"? They were rings that contained temperature sensitive liquid crystals that would supposedly change color according to your mood. Well, the research is complete, and here it is... Mood Thumbs! That's right, a new form of liquid crystal which actually does respond to your specific emotions has been developed. This fluid is then injected into the thumb, immediately changing it's color in response to the mood of the thumbs owner.

This mood-goop is designed to last for years without fading, and is completely non-toxic. Here is a list of the colors and what they translate to:

Red     - I'm gonna basha yoo face in.
Blue    - Shoot me, kill me, maim me..
Green   - Eeewww gross, is that your nose?
Pink    - Hey babe, would you like to exchange bodily fluids?
Black   - [person is dead]
White   - May I borrow your fiddle and a cup of butter?
Purple  - Uhhhh... yeh... right.... uhhhh.... go away, I'm watching TV.
Maroon  - Step on my hand again and I'll slap you with a dead fish, bub!
Lavender- Like, has anyone like seen my hairbrush?
Magenta - u r a k00l d00d, u r a k00l d00d, u r a k00l d00d.. 
Cyan    - Stop embarrasing me you witch!
Brown   - Can I PLEASE have some privacy while I'm going to the bathroom!?
Beige   - Why is everything upside-down?
Grey    - [hic] I'm not as [hic] think as you drunk [hic] I am.

While we found these things quite fun, there are those who think they should never be made available to the public, most of whom are volunteers who helped test the mood thumbs over the past decade. Some have had to have their thumbs amputated do to the silicone component of the fluid leeking into the surrounding tissue. Some have badly misshapen hands now. Some feel constant seering pain. Other just have permanent discoloration (which conflicts with the mood coloring). However, the stuff has progressed since it was tested on these individuals, and they are a mere 25% of the total test group.

Our last subject today, though interesting, is but a breif discussion. Have you ever had a problem with sending a letter somewhere asking a question, or trying to obtain a service, or whatever, only to have it get caught in the beauracracy for months or even years? Well, a new invention can solve these problems. It's a "Beaurocrat Motivator", and it's small enough to attach to a letter and have it go unnoticed. When the letter is opened, the motivator begins to emit a set of high frequency sounds that cause the beaurocrat to suddenly become interested in the matter, and actually immediately take it upon himself or herself to see that the matter is resolved quickly. We think the world will greatly benefit from such a small item. Already they are available at local retail stores for less than the cost of a fast food meal. They work so well that we are convinced you will want to buy boxes upon boxes of them.

Well, that's it for today. It is our hope that this information will be of use to you. Thank you for reading, see you 'round the universe...

[In Walter Kronkite's voice:]
And that's the way it is...