The following is the only known english version of the Codex Idiotica, the text upon which the religion of "Idiotica" is based (a religion that is centered completely on stupidity and senseless yet accidental bodily injury). While various other copies of it exist, none can be translated. This version was actually translated from a copy that was translated from yet another, which in turn was translated from the original by a monk who was the last known individual ever to exist that was capable of translating the original language. The original tome was notably longer, by about 100 fold, yet the meaning has remained intact, which says something about the verbosity of the original Codex Idiotica.

As you are about to see, the following chapter includes some modern concepts. Just how these things may have possibly existed, or even have been known of, back in the days of the Idiotica's creation is still left to speculation. Perhaps you will reach a conclusion that has eluded us.


[1] Mergil was a quiet man, solitary and isolated. Looking forth into the valley before him, where his fellow men had constructed a village, he pondered the purpose of all that is good and beautious.

"What is the purpose? Tell me!!" he yelled, scaring off a mutlitude of birds in the process. Suddenly Avis, the patron spirit of birds, appeared.

"How dare you frighten my children?" spoke the spirit.

"Tell me O wise spirit, what is the purpose of existence? Is there nothing more to life?"

"Cut the crap." Replied Avis.

"But I must know!"

"Will you feed my feathered friends?"

"Yes! Please answer my humble query!"

"Oh very well....." [ZOT!] And with that, Avis vanished as quickly as he had arrived, and all was silent once again.

"Thank you O great spirit!" Shouted Mergil, and under his breath he muttered, "moron..."

* * *

[17] Two days later, Mergil found the birds he had frightened with his cry for enlightenment. He attempted to feed the birds, but his hands were still severely burned from his encounter with Avis. Despite the pain, he continued. But the birds remembered Mergil, and repeatedly backed away.

"Stand still you friggin' birds!" Yelled Mergil. In response the birds took to flight, and left Mergil with a white head-covering. Mergil touched his finger to his head, and felt the moisture. He touched his head again, and watched a droplet of white goo drip down his arm, and with this he was enlightened.

* * *

[25] One day Mergil was building a sun-room and a mud sauna in his hovel up on the hill. He had just completed installing the foundation and the wiring when the earth shook fiercely. To his surprise, it was a single stone that caused it. Hitting the stone made the ground rumble. Entranced by the shiny golden color of the rock, he proceeded to remove it from its resting place with the intention of carving a statue from it.

"Remove it not!" bellowed a powerful deep voice that seemed to come from everywhere at once.

"Why not?" whined Mergil.


"Whyyyy??" Mergil pouted.

"Because it is mine" replied the voice. And with that Mergil promptly removed the stone and began carving it into a statue of an arm with 2 elbows and 7 fingers. With each swing of the mallet, and with each blow of the chisel, the earth trembled.

When the statue was completed, he presented it to the village as a gift, but found the town to be in ruin from the earthquakes. The villagers recognized the stone, as they had been commanded the year before to hide it in the hills so that no one would ever find it. Upon realizing Mergils deed, they promptly stoned him.

The voice laughed.

* * *

[41] Mergil had not been discouraged by the scars and nerve death in his hands from his encounter with Avis, or by the stoning he both endured and miraculously survived. He set forth in a search for the knowledge of immortality.

After a week of walking, he arrived at the Oracle Shrine. He entered cautiously, and slowly approached the magnificent stone structure of the Oracle. He sheepishly mumbled "Uhh.. uhm.. Mr Oracle sir.. uhm.. how do.. uhh.. how can I.... uhm... become immortal? Sir?"

A booming voice responded and shook the mountain, "First you must make a sacrifice. A payment must be rendered before you can receive the knowledge you seek."

"But I don't have anything... except this pretty gold statue."

"That will suffice. Place it upon the alter and pose your question again."

Mergil carefully placed the statue upon the alter. He took great care to put it down gently so as not to cause an earthquake in the Oracle Shrine. Again he asked "Uhm... how can I uhh.. become uhm... immortal?"

"First you must obtain the tooth of a basalisk. Then you must seek the aid of the most powerful mage in the region. Give him the tooth, and ask him to perform the ''Flesh to Stone'' spell, then and only then shall you be immortal."

Dissappointed by the answer to his inquiry, he stumbled home bumping and crashing into every tree along the way. Upon returning home, after he bandaged the lumps and bruises covering his head, the voice returned. "Where is my golden arm?" it asked.

"I don't have it" replied Mergil.

"Where is my goooooolden aaaaarm!!"

"I said I don't have it!"

"WHERE is *MY* gooooooooolden aaaaaaaaaarm!?!?!?"

"Go ask the Oracle. He knows everything. I don't have it, so GO AWAY!" screamed Mergil.


[67] Immediately Mergil ran to the lake to soothe his burnt feet. And he was enlightened.


[1] Long ago, before the days of Mergil, Tegron was a scribe for the king. After a long and loyal service to the town in which he was born, he was offered a promotion to the temple library.

Within days he had become familiar with most of the collection of great tomes and grimoires contained therein. One day he was exploring the vault of ancient literature, and was examining a book of female anatomy when a large heavy tome from a high shelf fell upon his cranium.

Despite the warnings that covered the surface of the manuscript, Tegron opened it and began to read. What he found were spells of black magic, demon summonings, curses, and knowledge of powers that were not meant for mortal eyes.

Tegron was a great scribe, one of the best writers and very efficient, but he was also known for his tendency to move his lips along with what he was reading to himself. Unwittingly a spell was cast as he read the material, and a large beast appeared before him. It was man sized, but with red and brown skin covered in warts, with deep black eyes, sharp claws, and big pointy teeth.

The demon spoke, "Why have you summoned me, mortal!?"

"Uhhhh... There must be some mistake, I was merely reading from this ancient text..."

"Blasphemy! Your transgressions shall not go unpunished! Relinquish the tome to me at once!"

"I don't believe you. This book is what is keeping you from harming me. If I give it to you, I will be powerless."

[15] The demon glared at him with an expression showing his hatred of ignorance. "Fine then, keep it." The demon reached into the air, recited an unintelligible incantation, and with a flash Tegron found himself in a cavern surrounded by flame. The smell of sulphur and brimstone was overpowering. It took Tegron two years before he found the correct spell in the book to return him home. In the meantime he managed to turn himself into a minotaur, create several talking furry animal friends, which he ate, and summoned the spirits of several old dead kings and watched as they battled for farming rights in the cavern.

Tegron continued to read the book. He came to a new chapter which he had not yet seen, and images of spirits sprang forth moaning "Beware, forbidden knowledge!" Again, he ignored common sense and read on. The tome exploded, blinding him, and he was enlightened. However he was no longer a minotaur.

* * *

[24] After spending several years of learning to read carvings with his fingertips, Tegron decided it was time to find a way to restore his vision. He set out towards the Shrine of Vacuis. Upon arriving, he spoke towards the alter while carefully picking the bark out of his hair.

"O great Vacuis! Please, what can I do to restore my vision?" he shouted.

After a few moments of silence, a voice responded in a quiet whisper, "Well, for one thing you can stop shouting. Have you no respect for the chronically hung-over?"

Lowering his voice several levels, Tegron replied "Sorry, I was not sure you were listening. But please, tell me what I must do!"

[33] "I will set for you a great task. Follow the sun for three days and you will come to a waterfall. Climb half-way down the cliff and you will find the nest of a dragon. In the nest you will find a golden rod. Bring it to me with a dragon scale, and I will send a memo to the ''Divine Office of Sensory Restoration''".

"But I can not see, how am I supposed to achieve such a goal?" asked the exasperated Tegron.

"Hey, I don't make the rules..." snorted Vacuis.

* * *

[40] Three days later, Tegron was climbing down the cliff when a voice spoke to him. It said, "Where ya goin', huh? huh? Where? Huh? Where ya goin'?"

Tegron answered, "I am climbing down to the nest below to retrieve a golden rod."

"There ain't no golden rod in that nest. Ya know? Huh? Huh huh? I had a golden rod once. I'm dead now ya know? I dropped it in a dragons nest over on the other side of the valley when I was eaten by the dragon. Ya know? Huh?"

With that, Tegron slapped his forehead in realization of his mistake, lost his grip, and fell, and he was enlightened.

* * *

[53] The next day, Tegron starting climbing up the cliff on the other side of the valley. The walk across the floor of the valley was arduous and dangerous, but nothing campared to his encounter with the rocks below the cliff, some of which were still with him.

Upon reaching the ledge where the nest rested, a small baby dragon saw his fingers rise up over the edge. Mistaking them for the larvae of sparkflies, which were about the same size, the dragon stepped on them to keep them from escaping. Tegron gulped, sniffled, and fell once again. And with that he was enlightened.

* * *

[59] It took Tegron another hour to once again reach the ledge of the dragon nest. He then started feeling around for the rod, while the baby dragon watched in confusion. Once again the ghost appeared, "Whatcha doin'? Huh? Huh?"

"I'm looking, or rather, feeling for the rod. Where is it?"

"The rod is to your left, Ya know? Huh?"

Tegron, who was quite pleased to be aided in his search, quickly moved to the left, and nearly fell off the edge if the cliff there.

"Hahahah, fooled ya, ya know? Huh? Bahahaha!" laughed the ghost.

"Why I oughta.... Ouch!" screached Tegron, as he stumbled over the rod. He put it in his pocket, and began the long trek back to the shrine.

* * *

[72] Another three days passed, and Tegron once again appeared at the Shrine of Vacuis. "I have returned with the golden rod! Please, restore my sight!"

Vacuis, now recovered from his malady, responded "Hmmm... Yes, ok.. yes.. I see... very nice... wonderful.. ok, yes.. ok.. uhm.. you forgot the dragons scale, didn't you?"

Tegron, once again realizing his mistake, slapped his skull, and slowly walked out of the shrine. He returned one week later with the scale, and once again said, "O great Vacuis! I have returned! Please help me to see once again!"

The voice of Vacuis stated, "Hmm... yes... A red dragon scale, I would have preferred a green one or a blue one, or even paisley or checks, but this will do." With that he materialized and appeared in person. In this particular manifestation, Vacuis was but a mere four feet tall, had an enlarged bald cranial component, and wore a flowing red cloak made of dragon scales.

"Ha ha ha! You are but a mere midget!" cackled Tegron.

"Watch it bub, or I'll leave you blind forever!" Once Tegron quieted down, Vacuis walked over to the alter, and placed his fax machine upon it. Within seconds, his message was complete, and he turned to Tegron and said, "There, it is done. Please wait four to six weeks for a response. No warrantees expressed or implied."

"O thank you great Vacuis!" cried Tegron. He quickly turned, and in his excitement crashed right into the wall, knocking himself unconscious. And with that he was enlightened.

* * *

[93] Five years later, Tegron received a scroll that appeared out of thin air. A friend read it to him, and it stated, "We are very sorry to inform you that the ''Divine Inner Sanctum of Mortal Affairs'' has gone bankrupt, and has been bought out by the ''Sanctum of Divine Mortal Affairs'' which will not honor any previous uninsured orders."

[95] Tegron sat in disbelief and began to eat the scroll while the demon watched from the corner and laughed. With that he was enlightened.


[1] Vacuis was at the time a simple man. He lived upon the mountain, catching his meat and growing his vegetables. I met him for the first time when he had ventured into the village to buy a barrel of ale.

I was but a boy, working in the tavern to earn money to pay for my mothers operation. I was completely unprepared for the power that the words of Vacuis would have over me.

He quietly sat at a table and patiently waited to be served. I came to him and asked what he would like. He said "I would like a barrel of Ale."

I told him it would be a few minutes, and one of the other employees ran to the store room to get it. As we waited I asked, "So, what brings you to town?"

He answered, "I am thinking of starting a religion. I had a dream the night before last that I was approached by a ghost who made a bet with me that I couldn't do it. It was an omen."

"Wow!" I said, "That sounds exciting! May I help?"

"Why certainly, I will need followers, apostles, prophets, and spiritual leaders. You may be my first apostle."

"Thank you!" I shrieked, "But what do you call this religion?"

"I don't know. Undoubtedly a verbose and confusing codex will be written, and someone will name the religion. I need not worry myself with such trivialities."

* * *

Three months later we had accumulated about a dozen or so apostles, several hundred followers, and a claw-full of spiritual leaders. Trefgos, who was now a close friend of mine, was our most recent recruit from the town of Densdon.

We were two weeks into our journey towards the promised land when we came to a great cliff. Vacuis stopped and began to speak. Unto us he did say, "Hail, followers of the great Vacuis! Be it known that the promised land lay but a few more days travel away if we go around, or a mere minute if we go straight down. What say you?"

The crowd mumbled and chattered, and it seemed clear that the majority wanted to go around. Dissappointed, Vacuis began to speak once again, "Fear not the drop. You are protected by the great Vacuis! There is nothing to fear but fear itself. The fall is not dangerous, only the sudden stop at the bottom!"

The swarm of followers began to cheer, and rushed forth over the cliff, taking Vacuis along in the stampede, while Trefgos and I stood speechless, peering down at the mass of free-falling bodies, which quickly dissappeared through a layer of mist.

* * *

It took us several days to circle around and approach the bottom of the cliff. The promised land was absolutely beautiful! Who could imagine a place where a jungle fades into a desert within a few feet, and practically every climate known to man exists within a single valley.

When we found the rest of the group, we were not greeted by a friendly sight. All of them had been killed, except for Vacuis whose fall had been broken by the others, however he was still unconcious.

Suddenly he awoke, "IDIOTS!! Such IDIOTS!! I told them not to take the quick and easy route! They will rot in hell for their mistakes. Let us be on our way..."

Trefgos butted in, "But we just got here, this is the promised land!"

"So it is, ok... What do you guys want to do this afternoon? Build a sand-castle? Watch the bodies rot? I know! Let's build a temple."

* * *

The next day, when the temple was completed, Vacuis stood inside and yelled, "It is magnificent!" The vibrations caused it to collapse, killing him. But his spirit rose out of the debris, and spoke.

"Be not afraid, for I have risen again. A whole chain of great temples and shrines will be erected in my honor, and I will provide enlightenment and divine services for the world of mortals! Go now, and spread my teachings." And with that, we were enlightened.


[1] Many years ago, I was living in the town of Opaciton, when a man entered the village sqaure wearing a large bright colored cloak. I walked up to him and inquired about its purpose.

He replied, "Greetings. I am Vacuis. Perhaps you've heard of me? Everyone has heard of me. Everywhere I go people expect me to utter words of wisdom. I am constantly told that I am to be the spiritual leader that will lead humanity into a new age. It's bloody nonsense if you ask me. This robe they make me wear is so ugly! Whoever thought of using purple polka-dots on a yellow and cyan striped cloak was missing a few screws. By the way, do you know how to get to Dorkmire?"

I answered in the positive, and since I was heading that way anyway, I offered to show him the way. Along the way we passed through a town called Densdon, where a large group of people started following us. One person in the group was a decrepit old man named Carnoth. I hated him. He was one of the most stupid, arrogant, and conceited people I ever knew. I tried not to let it bother me. He and all the rest claimed they were going to Dorkmire too, and I figured I'd be rid of them soon enough.

* * *

After a few more days of travel, we came to a great cliff, and Vacuis stopped. Everyone else halted as well and watched Vacuis closely. After about an hour of this, Vacuis turned and faced the people that had been trailing behind us during the whole journey. He started to speak, "Why do you keep following me? Huh? Can't a man have any privacy anymore? It's bad enough that you keep chanting and singing, and asking for me to bless your children, but why must you follow me into the bushes when I have to relieve myself?"

The crowd stood in silence, which only seemed to anger Vacuis further. "You're all evil! EVIL!!! Demons I tell you! I'll be rid of all of you if it takes my last breath!"

And with that, Vacuis began pushing them off the cliff, screaming phrases along the way such as, "Ha HA! Take that you foul beast!" and "Die demonic scum!!!" Surprisingly few of the people actual resisted or fought back. Carnoth and I simply watched in amazement.

After a few minutes, Vacuis had managed to push the entire group over the edge, and then lept down himself screeching, "I shall end it all!!!!"

Carnoth turned to me and said, "You fool! You have killed our leader!!" I ignored him and began to look for a way down. It took some time, but I managed to make my way down with Carnoth following me.

At the bottom was a glorious sight. All of those fools who wouldn't leave us alone had died, and Vacuis had survived! Those morons broke his fall! Vacuis was a bit shaken, but otherwise seemed fine.

He walked towards a small circle of stones several yards away, and tripped on one. Suddenly a large glowing white spirit appeared and spoke, "Vacuis, you are the chosen one!"

Vacuis looked up and yelled, "No!! I have a life! I want to go to Dorkmire!"

"You must come with me, it is your destiny" boomed the voice.

"Screw you!"

"Come with me."

"Screw you! I want to be a carpenter!"

The voice simply said, "Your fate lies with us... come." Suddenly there was a bright flash, and Vacuis was gone. At first we were not sure whether he had been taken or killed. But the voice said to us, "Go now and spread the teachings of Vacuis. He will one day return to you." And with that we were enlightened.


[1] Harold was a philosopher in the village of Vapidston. Ever since he was merely a small child, he sought the truth about the world around him. He devoted his life to discovering virtue and enlightenment. What he was not prepared for was the awesome difficulty of the task before him.

One day, he was sitting in the town square poking a lizard with a stick. The lizard simply looked at him. He quickly stood and shouted, "look! Notice how the lizard does not move when I poke it thusly!" He poked it again, but in his excitement he squashed the lizard accidentally. "This is symbolic of it accepting its own fate, whatever it may happen to be! Fate can not be altered, only ''adjusted''."

Someone in the crowd gazed at the splattered reptile and said, "Baahh.. you're making that up."

"No really! It's true," Harold answered, when suddenly another lizard walked up and began to eat the first. "And see how nature recycles its waste. Not a thing is lost. We are all eternally bound to nature, and depend on one another for survival."

"Heh.. Whatever," replied another member of the crowd, which was beginning to disperse.

"Wait! I have more to tell you! come back!" shouted Harold, but it was too late. The people had already gone back to their daily business.

* * *

Harold was becoming discouraged by the lack of enthusiasm the general public held for his ideas and concepts. He began to wonder if it were possible to find anyone who would listen to his stories.

On a hot summer day, Harold was in the tavern watching the people drink ale and laugh loudly amongst themselves. Harold spoke to the bartender, "See how they compromise their mental faculties by quaffing inebriative substances and then engage in asinine convulsions over trivial matters? This is symbolic of mankinds innability to be satisfied with his own existence, and his omnipresent search for the path that leads to a whole new existence that can never truly be achieved."

The bartender motioned a gaurd over to the bar and quietly asked, "can you please remove this man, he's bothering me." The guard stood tall, and a smile nearly cracked his face in two. Grabbing Harold tightly by the arm and the neck, the gaurd dragged him off to the dungeon. Harold, not terribly happy with the situation could be heard yelling the whole way, "Look at this! This is symbolic of mans desire to control and conquer his environment! Notice how the strong supress and control the weak! Notice also that strong stupidity always wins over intelligence! Get your filthy hands off my vest! I'm appalled! Never have I seen so much grime under someones finger nails!"

* * *

From his cell, Harold observed the guards playing a card game across the hallway. Both men were very muscularly endowed, but clearly had a less voluminous cerebral capacity.

After a few hours of playing, one guard won the game and walked off. The loser remained seated, nearly in tears from his loss. Apparently he had wagered a significant fraction of his weekly pay.

Harold addressed the saddened guard, "Just as the wolf devours the rabbit in a battle of survival, so to is the life of man. The fittest survive, while the weak succumb and provide the foundation for their continuence."

"Shut up." Snorted the guard.

"And also take note, that in your own way, you are a parasite living off of the life blood of society, and the vices and anti-virtues that are so prevelant in the world of man."

"That's it! I can't takes n'more! Out you go!" With that, the guard set Harold free so as not to listen to his inane ranting and raving. And with that, he was enlightened.


Gawkion was one of the most well known and hated/loved people in all the land. He was a famous politician. When I first met him, he was campaigning to be elected into the CVEORM, which is pronounced "See-Vee-Orm", and stands for "the Council of Vestigial Elected Officials Ruled by the Monarch".

On this day, he was giving a speech for his campaign. He said, "Greetings one and all! Today is the first day of the rest of your lives, and today is also the last day of your life so far! Because of this coincidence, today is also a good day to listen and learn."


"Yes, thank you. Indeed it is a good day. Is it not?"

[applause and cheering]

"Yes, what a fine day. Do you know why it is such a great day? It is great because I am here speaking to you! That's right!"


"I love being a politician. I can lie and cheat, and get away with it, simply because we're expected to do so! Isn't that grand?"


"In fact, I can stand here and say anything I want to. I can call you all morons, and imbiciles, and blathering gawking idiots, and you wouldn't care!"


"Additionally, you would all cheer and praise me, which would be further proof of your lack of touch with reality, isn't that so!?"


"I'll bet I could even get away with talking about your mothers behind you back!"

[crowd goes silent]

"Uhhh.... or perhaps your fathers?"

[crowd starts quietly hissing and booing]

"Or your in-laws? No one likes their in-laws." And with that, the crowd hurled a barrage of fruits and vegetables. He began to shout "Why do people always bring tomatoes to political events!?" and he was enlightened.

* * *

Later that day, he thought to himself, "What morons!" And then he was stricken with a a sudden and inconvenient case of death. And with that, he was enlightened. Or was he?


Vacuis appeared before us one day, with a blank look upon his face. His expression was chaotic and dark. Woe was it both dark and chaotic! It was so dark and so chaotic, that it had nothing but chaos and darkness. But was it not also chaotic and dark!?

Vacuis began to speak softly... or was it loudly? No, I think it was softly. NEEhoo, verily did Vacuis begin to speak. Speak he did, and did he speak.

Thus spake Vacuis:

"Greetings my humble, and not-so humble, followers! Those who wish to be humble but are not so humble may get in the line to the right. The rest stay upon the ground thou doth stand upon. For the ground that art, wast, and ever shall be, is the fruit of the labors of those whom thou canst not comprehend, so be thou humble or be thou contemptable!

Humility is not contemptable, rather it is quite a humble state for the mortal being. Woe and yea and woe is not contempt contemptable? Contempt and humility are both humble and contemtable, are they not? They are not. Why are they not? Because I doth say so, and contemptable be those who not conform to what I doth say.

Kneel before me, and be both humble and penitent. For if thou art not penitent and humble before me, thou shalt not be rewarded with one of these really cool diadems, and I may find reason to go postal upon thee. So be thou humble and be thou penitent. For humility and penitence leads to virtue, and makes me a happy camper.

Now that thou art showing me humility and penitence upon thy knees, heed well my penitent and humble words. I bring to thee a set of commandments for all of thee and thy children and thy grandchildren and thy great grandchildren and thy great great grandchildren and... thou doth get the idea.

Take thee these commandments, and live thine lives by the content of their wisdom, for I shall speak them but once, and once only.

Mine first commandment be this: Never shalt thou walk into a dark cave without the aid of a source of illumination, for thy head may spill it's contents upon a rock. Verily do I say unto thee, head-spilling may be thy undoing!! And it is most painful. In fact, I remember one time, barely anyway, when I... Neverind.

Secondly, thou shalt not commit adultry with thy neighbors wife, unless she proves to be just as enthusistic about the adultery as thou art, if not more so. Heed well, for if she is not enthusiastic, thou shalt surely and verily and surely enter damnation! And I shouldst suggest that thou wouldst not enjoy that.

Thirdly, thou shalt always remember to keep holy the paper clips, for without them, thou wouldst have to use duct tape. Verily unto thee I say, duct tape can make a mess of thy divine documents!

Fourthly, thou shalt not abandon the duct tape, the holiest of the multi-purpose adhesive materials! Verily, is not duct tape both holy and strong? Without thine duct tape, thou wouldst fall to pieces, remember mine words!

Fifthly, Thou shalt always covet thy neighbors wife, for undoubtedly thy neighbor will have better luck than thee, and thy striving for betterment shalt always bring to thee improvement to thine lifestyle.

Sixthly, thou shalt under no circumstances kill, except, of course, if thine duct tape, paper clips, or wife, doth depend upon it (though it is merely optional in the case of the latter).

Seventhly, thou shalt always prefer masochism over hedonism, for with pain comes enlightenment, and with pleasure comes... uhm... well it just sometimes comes, but it will waste vast amounts of thy precious time that thou couldst have used for obtaining enlightenment. Not that hedonism is bad in and of itself, just simply not quite so enlightening.

Eighthly, Ask ye not the dreaded woodchuck question of the great Oracle, lest ye be zotted in his divine sight.

Ninthly, thou shalt not use the names of the Oracle, or of myself, in a derrogatory tone, nor shalt thou patronize us, lest ye be zotted two fold.

Tenthly, thou shalt be kind to all manner of beasts and non-human entities, despite whatever the circumstances may be. For example, if thou doth insult a demon, expect to be sliced and diced.

Rememer always these commandments that I hath spake unto thou, for thine eternal existence doth depend upon it. Whenst judgement day doth arrive (thou knowest what I mean, the day thou sittest in front of a bunch of thine peers of equal or less enlightenment, and ask them to forgive thee for things they know nothing of), thy life of virtue and vice shall be reviewed, and thou shouldst try to avoid getting thine hand slapped for being naughty. Therefore, if thou must break a rule, be thou forewarned not to get caught.


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It's not entirely clear, but we believe that the flower mentioned in the following chapter is supposed to be the opposite side of the universe. Existence is like a coin, our lives are on one side of the coin, and the flower is on the other. As the coin spins, the universe cycles through a pattern of the flowers death, our birth, our death and the flowers birth. Therefore the flower wilting is symbolic of life beginning, and the seed symbolizes our deaths.

[1] There is no peace. There is no life. Our existence is dictated by our actions. We control our fate, and our fate controls our lives, and deaths. Without war there is peace, and without peace there is no war or happiness. One must choose one's own path to follow through life, and accept the consequences of one's own decisions. Such is the fate of all.

[8] Fate and life are one, for one is all. Everything exists to fulfill fate, and exists because of fate. Yet fate controls it's destiny, and destiny is but a flicker of fate. The path of destiny is long and arduous. All must follow the path, or pass into oblivion, for the path is reality, and imagination has no place along the grotesquely cracked road of existence.

[13] He who is unilateral is multidimensional. The facets of those dimensions intertwine to form the webs of interactions between individuals and nature, specifically big ugly furry things with sharp pointy teeth. As the flower wilts, life springs forth to consume all things. The leaves shrivel and darken, thus giving birth to vast quantities of biological manifestations. However, all must eventually succumb to the seed. Enlightenment stems only from the flower. Partake of the flower and be wise. The flower is all. The flower is the path, the reality, the person, the god. Follow it. Be it. Do it.


[1] People die. Things die. Such is life.

The following chapter is entitled "The Beginning", and has an uncanny resemblance to the chapter of the same name in the so-called "Book of the Cosmos". For this reason we believe that the "Book of the Cosmos", which is a relatively more recent text, was in some way derived from the Codex Idiotica.
verses 1 - 28

  1. In then beginning, there was nothing to begin with, so there was no beginning.

  2. After the non-existant beginning began, nothing had yet began to begin to be.

  3. But before anything could begin to begin to be, something had to begin to begin to be.

  4. So by and by, beginning to be had not yet began to be, so then beginning began to be before the beginning.

  5. But this was only the beginning because the beginning was only beginning to begin to be.

  6. Thus the beginning began to begin to be, and it began before the beginning of the end of the beginning.

  7. So after the beginning before the end began, time and space began to begin to be.

  8. But before this could begin, there had to be the beginning of the big bang.

  9. Thusly the big bang blew and the true beginning began before the beginning to come after this beginning.

  10. Once the big bang blew, the beginning of matter and energy began to begin to be.

  11. But behold! The beginning was only beginning to begin to be because this beginning began before the beginning of the end of the beginning began to be.

  12. And the beginning always begins to be before the beginning of the end begins to be because.... well, because nothing in particular.

  13. Then the new beginning began to be but only before the old beginning began to become dead.

  14. But the new beginning began after the beginning of the end of this beginning.

  15. But before the beginning could begin to end, the beginning of life had to begin to begin to be.

  16. But this did not begin to begin to be until near the beginning of the end.

  17. And these beginnings began before the big bang blew which was before the beginning of the end.

  18. Being before this was the beginning of big bubbles of matter called galaxies bouncing beautifully.

  19. But this was only the beginning because this was the beginning of the beginning before last.

  20. But the being of big bouncing bubbles brought the beginning of the end of the beginning of the big bang.

  21. But life had not yet began to begin to be. Thus the beginning began.

  22. But then, before the beginning of the end began, life began to begin to be, to be boring that is.

  23. But now, the beginning of the end began to be able to begin to be but life didn't want that.

  24. And all began to be good, but before this began the being of the beginning.

  25. But this was only the beginning because the beginning began by being a big bore before the beginning of the end began to be.

  26. Behold, the beginning of the beginning of the end began to begin to be before the big end!

  27. Thusly and verily did the beginning of the end beginning to begin to be became the biggest beginning before the end.

  28. Now the beginning began to begin to end at the ending of the beginning before the big end after the beginning of the beginning.


"Ahhh!! The sky doth fall! The world doth end!! Help!!! Help!! Ahhh!!" was all that was heard, and then there was darkness.

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Codex Idiotica, (C) 1994,97 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved.