Oracle Bests... Deity Necromancer #1 @4079 Thu Jun 10 11:15:40 1993 The following scroll contains messages which are considered to be the best of the most recent WWIVnet Oracle responses, as judged by the Seers of the Oracle. For more information on using the Oracle, write to ORACLE@4079 and put the word "HELP" in the title of the message. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00081) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: The Waif of Wisdom) Date: 23:30:30 P 06/05/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh wise oracle tell me please... Exactly how many girls heartthrob over me (if you can count that high) D Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Ditto, ditto, ditto...[Random Title] RE: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000081) Well D, It's tough to say. It depends on what you consider to be a "girl". For instance, I know those chimps at the zoo are quite attached to you, as well as the dogs at the pound that you pass on the way home each day. Including all of the above, I'd count, oh... lesse.. 1.. 2.. 3.. About 5, give or take a few. Does that answer your question? -->Incoming message from god@heaven on CRTS1 server. > ORACLE! That was a stupid answer! Sorry sir! I.. >No excuses! Give the client an interesting answer. But, it's been a long day.. >NOW! Ok... looks like I'm in trouble with that big fat ass Ouch! Ok.. Let's go over all of the "female" people you know. Suzie is a lesbian. Andrea has AIDS. Carmen hates you. Lori is dating your best friend without you knowing. Heather, the one you knocked up last week, moved to alaska with your second best friend (who is no longer a friend). Sarah is confused and wants to simply be "friends". Todd is a male. John is also a male, but he has the hots for you, but you have been trying to avoid him. Ben is also a male, and hates you anyway. Well, considering the situation.. oh nevermind! Get a life! This is pathetic! Good lord, I've never seen anything so stupid and OUCH! Sorry. Talk to John, you owe it to him. You owe the Oracle a book on public relations. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00075) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: The Waif of Wisdom) Date: 01:41:57 A 06/10/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me.. Oh wise and wonderful random fractal electronic entity, whose programs never need debugging, and whose hard drive never has lost clusters or cross-linked files, pleas tell me what I wish to know. I know the world was created by God in 6 days, and I've heard that the origin of computers was similar. How did computers come to be? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Well RE: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000075) my friend. Computers were invented a long time ago by some quite bored Elders who were sick of answering idiodic questions and wanted something to do it for them. So by harnassing the power of the rivers using turbines, the Elders created the first water-powered computer.. They were so extatic about they're wonderful invention they named it the XT. Computers then evolved from there in a sort of retrobutional I need answers you know them cycles perpetuating into the development of the Pentilum chip and the development of huge interfaced networks, and thus the creation of Cyberspace, with the mainframe of it all as god. Quite ironic when you think of it in relation to the people of old and they're beliefs that God controls all. You owe the Oracle a Water-Powered 486/66 and a Partridge in a pear tree. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00072) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 11:12:07 A 06/10/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me... Oh great, powerful and mystifyingly spectacularistically great oracle of oracles. Tell me; why is it that no matter how tall the mountain is I try to climb, no matter how many obstacles I attempt to overcome, there's always something standing in my way?! For instance, there was that pesky dragon of yours. Called himself the gatekeeper. Why was he trying to block my way? He was movin a'left and a'right, and singin' the seat o' me pants! All I wanted to do was ask ye a question. What's that? The question? Oh yeah. Well, you're the oracle; can you see any problems, for instance, just from the content of this conversation that I can work on to improve my life?? Thank ye very much... Your humble obsequious supplicant... Dear Abbey, er, um, Worried Transponder Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Life improvement, oh what a quest. RE: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000072) Yes, yes I see your problem. You are obviously one HELL of an unlucky type person. Take for example my good ol' dragon...(Although I have no idea about which you are speaking, I'm going to wing it here.) See, he is not of this time... He comes from another realm; a realm in which dreams roam the world freely and the people who live in boxes come out to play in the sun when it shines. The rainbows truly melt into beautiful cascading waterfalls, and the sidewalks seem to form a ladder straight into a secret place to which only you can climb...(cwcid-F. Scott Fitzgerald) Besides, our universe is imperfect. You, I'm sorry to tell you, are too, imperfect. But do not fear, there is a poetic beauty in your imperfection. For no matter how out of place you feel, you are not alone. Just as the Dragon attempts to thwart your path to his world, you must recognize that he does not belong in your world. However, he is trapped here, and now he must remain, forever more, rapping at my DAMN chamber door...(cwcid-Poe) Anyhow, if you still feel that your entire existence is in shambles, GET OVER IT!! Besides, can't you tell that even I, the Oracle, have absolutely no idea if what I am typing makes sense? No, actually, that's not true. I'm almost positive it does not... Interpret as you will. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00066) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 11:12:34 A 06/10/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me.. Tell me great Oracle, which is the best BBS in the 410 area code, and why? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: The best BBS? RE: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000066) Well, I am not truly well-versed, or should I say, well-BBSed on the BBS's of the 410 area code, although I do know a few of the co-sysops. I can tell you about the best co-sysop of the 410 area code... That would of course, without a shadow of a doubt, be Poledra. I mean, just look at her spunk and vigor. She is NEVER depressed (whatever) and she can take whatever she dishes out (anyhow). She knows that life has purpose and meaning (yeah, maybe in a vacuum) and that in order to achieve anything in this world one must work hard (procrastinater...procrastinater). She never overly flirts with any male users (unless, it will suit her fancy) and she never uses big words or acts in a condescending manner (if you are believing this garbage then I've got a GREAT plot of land I want to sell you. It's located over in Ireland, but don't worry. The Irish people are nice to you if you are Irish. And if you are not Irish, let me tell you about this great river you can buy down in Southeast Africa. I mean, you know) I hope I have helped you, poor pathetic inquisitor. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00070) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 11:13:00 A 06/10/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Dear oracle, please tell me Oh wise Oracle, the nature of my inquisitiveness leads me back to the years of my youth, when I first saw the Smurfs on NBC. I had always wondered why it was that there were so many male Smurfs and so few females. Plus, if it was all Smurfette's doing, why didn't she have a creative name to descibe herself like all the other Smurfs did? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Smurfs? You want to know about Smurfs? RE: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000070) Silly okapi-lover, I think you may have spent one too many summers on the beach looking for that mythical, pop-tart-eating beast. The smurfs were mostly male because the FEMALES were busy running the world. You know, doing the programming, and setting up the cables so that it could be transported into your home...The males were feeling insignificant, so as a reward, the female executives said that the characters could be male. I think a better question is, if the stork brings a smurf once every blue moon, then why the heck do they call the red dude "Papa?" Deep thoughts, by the oracle... ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00092) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 11:14:11 A 06/10/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me, oh wise oracle... When do pigs fly? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Ditto, ditto, ditto...[Random Title] RE: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000092) When do pigs fly? Every night! Yes, that's right. Pigs actually have wings hidden just below the skin. At night, when no one is looking, they spread their wings and take flight. They're actually quite intelligent creatures, and they realize that they must not be caught, so they return to their place of origin by morning. Pigs are not the only animals to show suh behaviour. Cows walk on their hind legs, sheep talk, and horses burrow through the ground. You owe the Oracle a chain and shackle to keep his pet pig still. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00051) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 11:15:10 A 06/10/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me.. Who is God? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Who is God?? R: net33: @4058 (via @4067) [07:54 06/09/93] R: net33: @1112 (via @5862) [04:58 06/08/93] R: net33: @5883 [23:39 06/07/93] RE: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000051) Well, my son, I am God. After 2 years of sysoping, I received a phone call from the previous God. He said: "Dewd! You're just WAYYYYY to cool! You've got it going, seriously! I think I'm getting to old, so how about moving that WAY COOL BBS of your up here to heaven and take over my job!" I say: "Well, how good are the benefits?" And he says: "Great medical policy!" So I say: "Sounds cool to me, consider me God!" Thus is the story of how I became God. Now kneel, peasant, or verily I will send a lightening bolt down to fry thine dyslexic hamster to ashes! ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved.  ---- Sorcerer's Quarters BBS, Home of the WWIVnet Oracle. E-mail ORACLE@4079 with "help" in the title for details.