The following scroll contains messages which are considered to be the best of the most recent WWIVnet Oracle responses, as judged by the Seers of the Oracle. For more information on using the Oracle, write to ORACLE@4079 and put the word "HELP" in the title of the message. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00098) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 20:55:10 P 06/10/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: TELL ME...or face consequences! Hey.....tell me......Why are some computers slow and others fast? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Well, my humble supplicant... RE: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000098) This question is actually quite interesting, as the answer lies in the Holy Bible. Computers have always ran at different speeds, as the following passages show. Let's start with SYSTEMS verse 80:86. Then the lord did say unto the people, "Go now, and create large electronic machines to perform high speed calculation and data manipulation." And the followers of the Lord did just that. And verily there were computers, and the Lord saw that it was good. Many days and nights passed, and turmoil did return to the land. Opposing groups were many, and fights unavoidable. Programmers did slay administrators, data enterers did slay system operators, and many deleted and erased data most valuable. The Lord looked upon this and was unhappy. Then the Lord did say unto the all, "Why art thou doing this?" The response was "because everyone is the same, and all have the same security levels on our sacred LANs. The administrators need more power, and the loathesome loser-users need less access." The lord listened, and saw that changes in security level could not help with personal computers. So verily did he think. Thenk he did, and the Lord did say, "Go forth, and create computers with different speeds. The Administrators and programmers will have computers bearing the names of speed, and the loathesome loser-users will use computers bearing the names of slowness, including the the PC and the XT." The Lord smiled, as he knew the people would listen. Listen they did. Computers of all shapes, sizes, speeds, and storage capacities emerged, and peace was restored to the world. Hallowed be the sacred differences in computer speeds! Does that answer your question? Good. You owe the Oracle a Commie-64 for his collection of obsolete junk. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00093) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: The Waif of Wisdom) Date: 02:51:58 A 06/11/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me, oh wise oracle...... Is all life for personal gain.....?? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Well... RE: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000093) Yes and no. Part of life is to help others, to educate them, and to aid in making their lives more meaningful. But this is all for purely selfish reasons of course. You should only do those things if you want them to respect and like you. Otherwise, who cares? In fact, some of the most virtuous things you can do is buy up tons of land, and throw all the people off. Another path to true life is beating up helpless homeless people, especially the children. But if anyone asks, don't tell them I said this. If you do I'll deny everything (I have a reputation to uphold!). You owe the Oracle a slingshot and a hat of the purest silk. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00087) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: The Aphasic Mute) Date: 09:40:35 A 06/20/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me Tell me, oh great and mighty oracle... Does this modification work? Melenkurion Abatha! Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Hmmm.... RE: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000087) Actually, it is hard to say. I take that back. The answer is no. It looks like it is working, but when you least expect, it will bomb. My o my.. You may want to be careful with that one. It looks like you have entered the one cosmically significant destructive sequence of instructions (the probability is about 1 in 10^87409). If you aren't careful the result could be quite.. Hello? Are you there? Hello? You owe the Oracle a dustbuster to clean up this mess. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00058) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: The Aphasic Mute) Date: 09:41:20 A 06/20/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me, please O arcane Oracle of ancient legend, tell me what I need to know...just how DO they cram all that graham?! Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Here's another wacky post... [Random Title] RE: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000058) Well, I don't know about you, but I enjoy crammed graham quite a bit! You see, what they are really doing is creating a gravitational vortex of immense magnitude, not unlike a black hole, and then let the graham cram inwards. Once the stuff has reached singularity (no size, or dimension, infinitely dense), they can sell it. They sell it by weight, not volume, and that's why a single box can cost so much. That's right! One box could easiy weigh as much as a small continent. Make sure you bring a pick-up-truck next time you go to the grocery store. If you don't believe me, ask god! Write to god@heaven.com on Internet! You owe the Oracle a surge protector wrapped in aluminum foil. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00076) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: The Aphasic Mute) Date: 09:44:19 A 06/20/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me.. Hello you wonderful beautiful thing you! So tell me Mister Oracle, why do birds fly? I already know that things like lift and air pressure are myths, so what really allows birds to fly? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Why birds fly... R: net33: @4058 (via @4067) [05:19 06/10/93] R: net33: @1112 (via @5862) [05:12 06/09/93] R: net33: @5883 [22:20 06/08/93] RE: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000076) Interesting question, my child. And since you showed proper humility towards me, I will attempt to make you understand. It has to do with will power and human children. You see, at one time, back in the cave man days, birds never flew and were quite content with walking around on the ground. Then one day a human female had a child. And this child SCREAMED and SCREAMED and SCREAMED! So the birds thought, boy, if I were up in the sky I couldn't HEAR this little child, so by the power of will alone they flew and have flown ever since. Be at peace, now, my child. Oracle ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00102) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: The Aphasic Mute) Date: 09:46:21 A 06/20/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh most gracious Oracle, please tell me: in your infinite wisdom and all encompassing omniscience, will I EVER be truly free of doubt? ---Going Berserk Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Ditto, ditto, ditto...[Random Title] RE: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000102) Well, Mr. Berserk, I doubt it. But if you try not to doubt, you may succeed, but only if you can be more confident. Here's one way you could get some confidence: 1. Go to the mall. 2. Set up your stereo to play nice dancing music. 3. Take off your clothes. 4. Waddle in circles clucking like a chicken. 5. Ask people to join in. 6. When they say you're crazy and walk away, keep in mind the fact that they are jelous that you can do something they can't. You have outdone them! You are superior! If that doesn't work, you can always go to a hospital and challenge all of the patients to a ten kilometer race. The prognosis? I have serious doubts about your recovery. You owe the Oracle a spark plug and a chamois. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00050) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: The Aphasic Mute) Date: 09:47:57 A 06/20/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me.. Oh master of all that is wonderful and so forth. Pleas all knowing oracle, answer my humble question. WHY DO PEOPLE SOMETIMES TYPE IN ALL CAPS LIKE THIS? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Here's another wacky post... [Random Title] RE: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000050) Well, this is a most interesting question. Actually, no one has ever asked me why some people type in all caps (LIKE THIS), but being that I am the oracle and you are a most humble human being, I'll do my best (which is, of course, THE best) to answer your inquiry. Obviously, the reason that people type in caps is that the sun is shining too brightly on their heads. If you think about it, it makes sense. What do you do if the sun is shining too brightly on your head? You wear a cap, silly. Now, what do you do if the sun is shining too brightly on your head and you're trying to type? You type in caps! (Gosh, some people ask the most redundant questions.) Now, this brings me to the crux of the explanation. You asked, more specifically, why people type in ALL caps. Well, that requires a bit of more subtle thought. See, it's easy to understand why a person would type in a cap. But figuring out what would make somebody type in all caps is truly baffling. I mean, it's mind-boggling to think that some one could afford to buy all the caps in the first place, let alone have enough time to put them on. Obviously, such a person has an inflated ego. I think that a person who types in caps must be inflicted, or sickened if you will, by some variant of psychotic megalomania. I say psychotic maegalomania, because there's a bit of psychosis involved in the person decision to manifest his/her magalomania through the purchase and subsequent donning of all of the caps. This is not normal behavior for humans, or for that matter, any form of sentient life either. And then to think that a person would type in such a condition! I pity you humans. I find your strange ways of dealing with the harshness of the universe to be sadly contorted (much like the spinal column of that guy who's wearing all those hats!). Anyway, since I'm the oracle, I know that you're satisfied with this response. Ask another question when you're fealing worthy... The Oracle 1 Oracle Place Sunset Mountaintop, HV 99999-0000 ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00071) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: The Aphasic Mute) Date: 09:49:16 A 06/20/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me.. Oh wise and all-knowing Oracle, whose socks are always glowing white, and whose underwear never rides up, please tell me oh wonderful one, how are stars made? Where do they come from? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Here's another wacky post... [Random Title] RE: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000071) Ah, a most interesting one. The last time I was asked a question like this was when a kid asked me where babies came from. I told him that a stork was bringing his little baby brother to him and his mom had to go to the hospital to pick the kid up, since that was the stork's only stop in the neighbborhood. See, since I'm the oracle, I knew that making up the story was for his own good. Anyway, the poor thing is that the common folk, being that they're not as original as the oracle, kept spreading my story around until it became a bit of an old folktale. This has truly upset me. But, I diverge. Let me get back on topic by saying that I think you're old enough for a more honest explanation... The process begins when a sperm cell from a male, who incidentally does NOT have to be a star, intercepts and fertilizes an egg of a female, who (you guessed it) does not have to be a star, either. At this point, we have the making of a potential star. We call this a nebula (for your own information, the sperm and egg make up the stellar dust that is oh so important to the formation of a star). Now, the rituals involved up to this point are VERY interesting. If you'd like further explanation, I'll be happy to oblige. Anyway, the stellar candidate is at a very crucial point in its formation. The single fertilized cell must split and reproduce itself until it reaches critical mass. After about 9-10 months, the star candidate ignites in a tremendous, well known, audio spectacular, which is audible from well across the galaxy. Also, at this point, its mother, who is the female with the egg, no longer looks like a bloated stellar-swine. Now, its important to note that at this point, we do NOT have a star, contrary to popular belief. The candidate must go through eons of cosmocultural training events which prepare it for stardom; in fact, some candidates opt not to go the route of the star, but that is the subject of a different story. At the conclusion of these events, the protostar, which it is now called, must go through many, many universally political trials (NOTE- this universal phenomenon known as 'politics' constitutes the first ever sighting of a black hole and provide proof positive of their existence). Most protostars are crushed, consumed, and spat out by the politics, but a few manage to survive. Those that do often enjoy what is known as a stellar debut (which often includes a phenomenon called a stellar performance (but doesn't HAVE to)), after which they become officially known as stars. It is interesting to note that at this point, many people can be heard exclaiming the phrase of awe, "A star is born." This, my humble inquirer, in response to your question, constitutes the birth of a star. This answer brought to you by: Joe's Bar and Grill: Eat at Joe's and the Oracle Fan Club: (please send all fan e-mail directly to the following address: shredder@wewontreadtheseanyway.junkmail.garbage.fanclub.oracle.thisaddressis toolongmaybetheywontmailusanyway.com) The Oracle Fan Club is a non profit organization specializing in: Er, um, well nevermind. Please send bankNET approved donations of $50 or more to the following address: gimme@money.fanclub.oracle.org. If you send anything less, we'll spit on your face, you cheapskate. Do you think we enjoy sitting around all day answer your question? And for what? To sit on a mountain all day long, guarded by some stupid, old, senile, non fire-breathing dragon? Just go away with your petty ignorance; on the other hand, donations will be gladly accepted and you will receive your gift of a box of free oracle fan club donation cards. These make the perfect gift for your family or friend. Just make sure you have plenty of family and friends, 'cause you might find yourself losing a few... ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved.