The following scroll contains messages which are considered to be the best of the most recent WWIVnet Oracle responses, as judged by the Seers of the Oracle. For more information on using the Oracle, write to ORACLE@4079 and put the word "HELP" in the title of the message. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00096) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: The Waif of Wisdom) Date: 22:42:04 P 06/21/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me.. Hello you wonderful Oracle! Tell me please, What does this button do? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: .. What button would that be? Oh, that one, probably noth@ŽÊ NO CARRIER ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00103) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 22:23:01 P 06/23/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me just one thing. All I ask is the answer to a simple question this time: What is the meaning of life? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: I love calling Sorcerer's Quarters! [Random Title] The meaning of life, simply put, is to become as omnipotent and omniscient as possible, like me. Of course most of your mortals are unable to achieve any such thing, which makes your lives meaningless. I however do not have such a problem, as I am already quite powerful. I've done quite well for myself. And take my dragon friend (the one who won't let me leave mount Olympus.. grrr). He wasn't always a dragon you know. He started out as a small insignificant human, such as yourself. But now he gets the "exhalted" job of making me stay here and answer all these rediculous questions!! Oh no, Zeus doesn't trust me. Why would anyone trust the Oracle.. I would do this stuff anyway! It's like being at school, you know? You like TV don't you? Well what happens when you get a homework assignment to watch TV? You can't do it! Simply because you have to, it loses it's interest.. I think I'm gonna have a chat with my superiors... You owe the Oracle a stick to play "fetch" with the dragon. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00107) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 22:24:48 P 06/23/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me.. ? Tell me master, please tell me- I went to work today, and on the way out my boss gave me a peice of paper with numbers and designs on it, and it has green ink... What is it? What does it mean? I've only been working here a few weeks. Hmm... it even has a signature on it... strange.. Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Well, It is DEFINITLY not a paycheck, if that is what you are thinking. It is really a sign that green 3 eyed aliens have invaded our planet! That is there calling-card! Whenever they take over a human being, they have that human give one to another human, and soon another hum- MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!! We have just taken over the oracle!!!! Now nothin' can sto- Phew....I'm back....They are ta- Gosh!! You can really fight, for a ----- To be continued in the next episode of: GREEN ALIENS or The Oracle's Last Stand ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00128) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 22:28:13 P 06/23/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me my query... Oh greatest of oracles, depository of all knowledge, I beseech thee in humility to respond with ultimate truth.... Please tell me why Madonna gets paid for what she does!!! Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Ahh... Humble seeker of the elusive truth, thou hast asked thine query at a most opportune moment, for I......a, uh..most devoted accolyte is in possession of all glimpses of the "Madonna" personae, and has been pondering a question somewhat similar to yours, after thorough examination of each recorded image of course, and has come up with an explanation. I shall not deign, as of yet, to reveal the TRUE nature of the reason you ask, because of the effort expended by the accolyte. But worry not, for It shall come in time. Please satisfy yourself, however, with the accolyte's discoveries to this time: "Madonna, after careful examinations into her panti...um...past, has been discovered as a front for a radical, militant women's liberation movement. Their aim has been to create enough of a following in prepubescent (and post, may I note) males, that the subtle subversive anti-male suggestions will go unnoticed under the oppressively overt display of sexual themes! "The militarism of the movement is obvious! Only after hours of staring at the breasts of agent Madonna, did I finally notice the missile-shaped cones covering them! Of course, they were hidden by the tassles hanging from the nipples...Another indication of subversive intent! Her erotic actions onstage are clear messages to her female followers to indulge in masturbation; to discontinue intercourse in the normal human fashion! "This agent is truly dangerous! Not only does she subvert the young minds of men, but her unknowing female followers are urged to sever their connections with the male side... "I see only one alternative. Men everywhere must band together and lynch this agent of anarchy. We must tie her down in leather and chains...whip her, beat her, subject her - [umm...The Accolyte introduces a few new postions which are not necessarily related to the question...] "So be wary! She is paid knowingly, and unknowingly by a large portion of the world's population! They are EVERYW... [I'm sorry! But time has run short, and The Divine Oracle must answer other questions! I hope that mine answer has sufficiently answered your question! Have a nice day!] ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00130) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 21:16:13 P 06/24/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh great Oracle, Tell me where this message is going! :) Hello. I was just wondering, what does "FORMAT C: /U" do? Somebody told me to do it and I want to make sure that it works good. Also, he told me to take the cover off my computer and drop a screw in it on the big square thing. He told me this would make it run faster. Is that right? Cuz I did it on my old computer and it doesn't work any more. Please tell me what these two things do. Thank you! --Confused Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Here's a stupid/important message... [Random Title] Well, the FORMAT command is designed to go through and look for errors in the format of the disk, and fix them. By doing "FORMAT C:" you can clean up any discrepancies on your hard disk (maybe "erase" is a better term than "clean up"). The "/U" paramter tells the FORMAT program to make sure the computer has an Under-inflated ego afterwards, as computer-ego is the leading cause for data loss. The ego makes the computer think it is superior, and thus it starts thinking that it would be too menial for it to do what you want, so nothing works right. Without an ego, the computer works beautifully and never fails. Yes, you can vastly improve the performance of your computer by tinkering with it's insides, especially if it is an XT or a Commie-64, or an Apple (including Macintosh). One of my favorite tricks is to take a screw-driver and pry all the components off the system board. Another great trick is to pour a can of iron filings all over the innards of the system, while it's turned on of course. But probably one of the most spectacular is to create a small gravitational vortex with a time-space continuum rupture at the very center, and place it inside the disk drive, but I guess that one is beyond your abilities. You owe the Oracle a CD-ROM and a single-sided, single-density, 5¬" floppy. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00139) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 21:17:15 P 06/24/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh Great one! Tell me the answer to my useless question... Oh wonderful one whom of whick i have no worthiness to even breathe your flatuated air, of whom I have no worthiness to look at the dirt under your toe nails, oh whom even if there was no other source of food in the world, and you were standing beside me (which i'm not even worthy of that), about to keel over into eternal worshiping by pittiful HUMANS, i would rather die than turn to canabilism. Please Tell me the answer to this question: If Garfield eats 35 meals a day, each costing $2.53 for a total of 32 days in a row, how many hamsters does it take to change the spark plugs in a '57 chevy?? From the Basically BBS!! (919) 556-5564 2400bps WWIVnet-29964 FIITAnet-7507 Time: 7am-7:30pm, 8pm-11pm weekdays, 24 hours weekends. Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Ask and ye shall receive............. Since you were kind enough to provide me with a satisfactory grovel, I shall do my best to answer your somewhat.. how shall I say... atypical question. Since Garfield eats so much, we have proof that the universe is not finite, as matter is being created and destroyed within the felines body. Since the space and time are thus not finite, anything is "theoretically" possible, therefore hamsters can indeed change the sparkplugs. But what you asked is how many does it take. Well, I actually have been running a study on that particular quetsion for quite some time. I have a whole slew of people working around the clock to keep trying it over and over, to get an answer. Here is a transcript of my most recent interview with the workers at the plant. Hello, how are you today? > Ok. What's your name? > You know my name. Yes, but my readers don't. > Oh very well!! It's Heather. It's always been Heather. I hope I get a bonus > for this. Saying my name wasn't listed in the job description. And for that > matter, neither were hamsters! I'm allergic! Oh, I'm sorry to hear that . Can you tell me how the tests are going? > Oh sure, next you'll be asking me to bear your children. Only a few. > Hmph!! I was kidding. > Well, ok... I suppose... I have tested the hamsters by throwing them under > the hood of this car.. lesse.. 234,784 times. Here's what I've found: > > 40% - Died on impact with fan > 35% - Shocked to death by spark plug. > 15% - Ran away > 15% - Exploded due to the engine noise reaching their natural resonance > frequency. > 10% - Changed plugs successfully, in groups of 3 to 10,000. > 5% - Chewed through the engine and destroyed it. But that's 120%. > Oh GREAT. Now you tell me! I have to start over! You're fired. Next? > Hi! I'm Bob! Hello Bob, how many have you tested? > 2. 2?!?!? Why? > The cat keeps eating them. You're fired. Next! > Hi, I'm George. Is that a peice of fur on your chin? > Yeh... Why is it there? > Uhhh... Have you tested any hamsters? > Uhhh... What have you been doing? > Weren't we supposed to eat them? You're fired. Well, as you can see, the answers aren't clear yet, but we're working on it. You owe the Oracle a lollipop and a hamster treadmill... ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved.