The following scroll contains messages which are considered to be the best of the most recent WWIVnet Oracle responses, as judged by the Seers of the Oracle. For more information on using the Oracle, write to ORACLE@4079 and put the word "HELP" in the title of the message. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00142) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 20:04:11 P 06/25/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: OH wise one, tell me of your great knowledge Wise one of the ancients, keeper of the Gate, Knower of all knowing, I need to know one small insignificant answer to my pitiful question. I know you got more things to do than to listen to me, but just think. You could eat me one day. Yea, you could eat me. Whole, too. But, for now, i got this question on my mind that i can't get rid of. Can you PLEASE tell me the answer to my question? What does the SysRq key do?? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Well... The SysRq key is a very strange phenomenon indeed, even hard for me to explain. Some consider it a freak of nature in the evolution of the Keyboardus Computadora, but this is is only half true. Really, it has nothing to do with nature, but with the intyervention of evil gods even more powerful than myself! Dryukk, the malevolent god of technology came from another dimension, and brought with him a device he planned to use to take over our dimension's universe: the SysRq key. So the legends say, and they are true. (So, you have never heard the legends? Oh, that's right...you live on that bland planet Earth...) Well, so the legends say the truth. Now, IBM, helpful god of technology here in your dimension, had created a whole bunch of other keys, which were all meant for good when combined. He dropped them there on Earth, and the mortals rejoiced and bound them together into an altar called a "keyboard". They developed more technology with the help of IBM, until the unknown Dryukk cleverly disguised himself as one of the "computer-nerd" priests, and brought forth a key that he said would change the world...and indeed it did. Dryukk's plan didn't quite work out, because even though the mortals installed the key on some unlucky keyboards, the mortals in that dimension were severely retarded compared to those in Dryukk's. Instead of pressing the fear-inspiring button, they were just baffled and confused...like you. And so, that's the story. If someone were to press the buttton...no the thought is too horrible. But go ahead and try it if you don't believe me! The Oracle requires you to donate your organs to his microwave! ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00109) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 16:18:40 P 06/29/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh great and grand one, please tell me.... where does potato chip oil come from, and is it a possible alternative source of power (since it shows up in such mass quantities in just one bag)? --Your most humble and grovelling supplicant Thus spake the Oracle: Title: The Sysop is my master! [Random Title] RE: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000109) Well, potato chip oil comes from cows. What they do is take the cows (still alive and breathing), and hook them up to a large vaccuum pump. It sucks their insides out, and and eventually the bones and skin as well, leaving nothing behind. This new cow-fluid is then pumped into a large vat with churning blades, not unlike the ones in your blender. This is what they then spray on potato chips to give them that lovely sparkling oily texture. It makes a great source of power. You see, the nice thing about this oil is that once you churn it up and spray it on, it triples in quantity. If you drain it off, and spray it back on, it triples again! It is the only known form of matter creation. By burning it, massive amounts of energy can be produced. Cars can run off of it, and they can use it to generate electricity. And it's environmentally OK. What I mean by OK is that it's not perfect, but acceptable, since all the exhaust fumes do is move over Iraq as a large cloud, cause acid rain there that's acidic enough to eat through tanks, and it kills all political leaders in the region. You owe the Oracle a bag o' chips... ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00126) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 16:18:59 P 06/29/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me, Great Oracle! Oh Great Oracle in the mysterious void, I request knowledge from your vast array of data. My ignorance is infinite and I seek the truth. Please answer my question. By what cosmic principle does my toast always fall butter side down? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Well, oh huble one, The answer is quite interesting. Going by your question, I can assume that you already know that it ALWAYS lands butter (or jelly, or whatever) side down. Perhaps you've also noticed that cats awlays land on their feet? And perhaps you've heard of the hypothetical situation of buttered bread being attached to the back of a cat? No mortal has ever been able to solve the riddle. Some have postulated that the cat and the bread will seperate, as there is no known force strong enough to keep them together. This is not true, as objects of this nature have like-poles that attract (which is opposite of how magnetism works). So in fact, there is no force strong enough to take them apart. Once attached, they're hooked for good. What will really happen is that the two will twist and contort until you have one big mess (now made of anti-matter) that splatters into the ground, only to detonate, then it finally settles into a black hole. (Warning! Do NOT try this at home! Try it at a friend's house). Now to your question. Why does it land butter-side down? Well, as most people know, there are four main forces in the universe. Gravity, Electromagnetism, Strong Force, and Weak Force. But what no mortal has ever discovered is a fifth one, called "Spite Force" which is the most powerful of all! This force effects certain types of objects, and causes them to behave in manners that irritate you. It's named the "Spite Force" because the universe does it to spite you. Now how does this effect cats? Cats don't hurt you when they land feet-first, right? WRONG! Have you ever been under one with it's claws extended??? You owe the Oracle a teddy bear named "Herb" ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00127) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 16:19:19 P 06/29/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: O wisest Oracle... Tell me, can you spare some knowledge? O wisest of the wisest, when I was just a youngin', some days were often deemed 'Opposite days' to negative the effects of any and all actions. But alas, if it was truly Opposite day, would not that negate the opposite part of the day and return it to a normal day? I seek this knowledge! Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Ahh... Very interesting question. The thing is, kids actually have a better understanding of the universe than adults. By the time you humans reach maturity, you have lost a lot of your understanding of how things work. There really ARE -REAL- opposite days! They only come once each millenium, but that's a different story. Since those days do in fact ocurr, I'll explain how it really works so that you may better understand the theory involved. On those days, everything becomes opposite. Since it's opposite, it does indeed negate the opposite effect, and everything returns to normal. But once it's normal, it returns to opposites again. This creates an oscillation in the space-time continuum which increases in frequency and amplitude at an exponential rate until the wavelength shortens beyond plank's constant, at which time a great burst of electromagnetic energy is released, killing millions of people. Kids have an innate ability to predict this event, and play "opposite day" more and more frequently as the dreaded day approaches. So pay attention to the kids, they know what they're doing! You owe the Oracle an anti-matter trash(white-dwarf) compactor. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00154) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 16:19:35 P 06/29/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: O wise and wonderful Oracle, tell me.... how I can cope with a pain in the butt boss without lettling him *know* that he's a pain.... The Theatre Of Vampires *** (303) 490-2634 *** WWIVnet/ICEnet/ELITEnet @ 3325 DEFRAG 2.10 Distro Site, CD-ROMS, MAC and IBM Software, E'zines, Mods, Doors Practical Peripherals PM14400FXSA - 7 Days A Week, 24 Hours A Day - 365+ MEGS! Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Hmmmmmmmmmm......... Well, this is a problem that has plagued mankind for mellenia. Those who are put in charge never truly know anything about the operation they run. This ignorance is a prerequisite. To deal with them, you must find ways of insulting them, and lowering the respect the other employees hold for them, but without them catching on. Since they tend to lack grey matter between the ears, this task should not prove terribly difficult for you. For instance, if you were on a team of programmers, and they all stood there listening as your boss screamed and yelled about how pathetic of a job you are doing, when in fact you're the best one on the team, and you've put in hours upon hours of overtime to complete the best program this company has ever seen, you'd be a bit mad, right? Well, you could say, "Perhaps you are right sir. On so remarkably comparable to an old XT computer knows what he's talking about. specially one with DOS 1.0 and 64k of memory, and a 10 megabyte storage device." While your team chuckles away quietly, your boss will think he was just complimented! When in fact he was compared to one of the most obsolete of the IBM compatable computers! Or you could try comparing him to an Altair computer (popular in the early '70s). "After all, anyone with a voluminous cerebral contusion such as yours MUST be absolutely incongruous and unconditionally sophomoric, not to mention overtly verbose." You owe the Oracle a set off bells and whistles. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00129) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 16:20:41 P 06/29/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me what I need to know... Oh WISE and WONDERFUL WWIVnet Oracle, what is the meaning of life this day? ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ The Duke of Earl BBS ÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ» º @5915 WWIVNet|@22 S-Net|@2 Chess_Net º Ó®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®(509)291-3760¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯½ Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Uhmm........... Oh no, *NOT* the dreaded "LIFE" question again!?!?!?!? Do you know how many times each day I have to answer that question? Let me show you some statistics: The two most commonly asked questions are the ones about "LIFE" and "WOODCHUCKS": Life: 1,982,195,845.27356 WoodChucks: 1,002,743,457.93649 EACH DAY! (average) And I'm awfully tired of it!! So you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to each and every person who asks one of those two questions, and worse yet, they'll still owe me for answering their questions!! Bahahhaha!! I love it! I'll get my revenge yet!! No one will ever bother me with these silly questions again!!! Yehahaahahah!!! Wooooieeeeeee!! I'll bet you never saw that coming! Did you?!!? You know, I could even charge extra on those questions, and use a form letter that says !!! Hahahahahah!!! Bahahahaha!!!! Muhahhaha!! .. So, in response to your question, the meaning of life is to kill woodchucks. Not good enough for ya? Well then- You're still alive!?!?!?!?! Ok, I'll try my secret weapon... .. Hahaahhahah!! Gotcha!!! You owe the Oracle an icepack so that he may cool down. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved.