The following scroll contains messages which are considered to be the best of the most recent WWIVnet Oracle responses, as judged by the Seers of the Oracle. For more information on using the Oracle, write to ORACLE@4079 and put the word "HELP" in the title of the message. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00170) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: The Aphasic Mute) Date: 21:58:36 P 07/03/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me... Tell, me please, oh great and powerful Oracle!! I have this problem with pink elephants. They're everywhere!! I see them in bed, I see them at work, I seem then while I eat, and I see them when I sleep. Why are they here?!?! Help!?!?! Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Pink elephants eh? My daughter had that problem.. I believe Pink Elephants are a manifestation of the mind after seeing to many Nike shoe commercials and Coke commercials. See the Nike and Coke commercials emit this ultraviolet light in the shape of an Elephant. It just so happens that this light registers as a Pink, thus resulting in seeing Pink Elephants. Now one would assume that this image would only be seen whilst watching the Tele. Wrong. These images burn themselves into your retna, causing you to see them anywhere and at anytime, even whilst sleeping. I highly suggest that you see your eye doctor and tell him what I said is the problem and ask if it can be correct. For my vast knowledge does get outdated, I haven't the slightest idea on if they have found a cure for Pinkelephantitis. You owe the Oracle a 1993 Encyclopedia Britanica, and that kid's head. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00148) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: The Aphasic Mute) Date: 21:59:59 P 07/03/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh, ever wise ORACLE, tell me why. Oh, ever wise ORACLE, he who makes mortals tremble with his mear presance, please inform me with your great knowlage. Why does Pepsi put objects in their diet soda cans? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Generic Title for a Generic Message by Generic User [Random Title] Good question. Several years ago, a certain deity up here on Mount Olympus decided to entertain himself by causing mischeif in the world of humans. One of the things he did was put a curse on the main Pepsi factory, such that the machines put an object in every can of diet soda. Eventually the president of the company realized that they could use this as a new sales gimmick. One of the most recent "objects" to be used was a simple do-it-yourself root-canal kit. Another was a Home-ATM (do your banking at home! Great idea!). You owe the Oracle a dentist office, with many drawers full of morphine... (I just LOVE morphine!! I feel happy! I feel happy!) ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00171) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: The Aphasic Mute) Date: 22:00:47 P 07/03/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me.. ok? Hello great Oracle, whose power exceeds that of all mortal scum such as myself. Please answer me this.. Where did God come from? And why did he even bother to make such a nice planet if he intended to blow it away by making humans? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: In regards to planet Earth... Yes, I am rather mighty, aren't I? I am also pretty wise, if I do say so myself. I thank you for your groveling, although I do think you should try harder to complement me on my excellent form in the future. To answer your rather insignificant question, which I am sure you place a high value on, God is a manifestation of intelligence that I created to oversee life in your universe. I had him create a happening place called Earth, had him drop on a few handfulls of life with an urge to propogate, and WHAM! you humans were everywhere! I really don't mind you humans, so long as you serve your purpose. You see, humans were created solely to keep me busy asking questions such as yours. It is a nice pastime for omniscient deities with an infinite amount of time to spend. Anyhow, you owe the Oracle a well-used llama with an urge NOT to propogate. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00156) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: The Aphasic Mute) Date: 22:01:53 P 07/03/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh great and mighty one, tell me of this.... I, who am but a humble person, not worthy to grovel at your magnificent feet, not worth the condsideration of a gnat, am having the audacity to ask of you a boon...... I am confused by the existence of another race with which I am forced to co-habitate on this planet. Please, oh Mighty and Wise One, explain to me these creatures labeled 'Women'. I will grovel and scrape in anticipation of your utterings.... Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Mass sarratu! Barra ye! Ahh yes. Whilse you may believe that these strange creatures are of a different species, despite popular belief they are in fact HUMANS! Can you believe that? Studies were funded several decades ago to dissect several of them (while alive of course, to check stimuli-response scenarios) and see just what they were. On the inside, they look just like any other mortal human. Aside from the fact that they play a vital role in your species' reproductive functions, there are other distinct physiological differences between them and your kind. One example is an extra organ, which allows them to defy the laws of physics and reality. This permits them to act irrational under rational circumstances, and to know what you are thinking, even if it's not what you are really thinking. It is also the reason why you males tend to gravitate towards them in a crowded room (Yes, visual stimuli have little effect in comparison). This same anti-physics organ also makes it such that the most stream-lined specimens offer the most resistance. My advice to you would be to avoid them. Since the space-time continuum is warped around them, anything could result from contac, including powerful discharges of energy. You might even spontaneously combust (or vanish altogether!). And always remember to test each one with a cattle-prod before touching it yourself, just to make sure it hasn't built up an electrical charge, and to make sure it is stable enough not to implode into a deep black void. You owe the Oracle a blindfold (so's as not to look at them females!) ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00133) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: The Aphasic Mute) Date: 22:02:47 P 07/03/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me, O Oracle O Almighty Oracle, whose mind makes Einstein look like Moe from the Three Stooges, please allow me the answer to my inquiry. I wish to know the Question to the Ultimate Answer of Life, the Universe, and Everything, the answer of which, I know is 42. Please help, O Oracle. Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Ahh I wish I had that Water-Powered XT right now... You know how many times I've answered this this year? 6, do you want to be the 8th? The Question to the Ultimate Answer of Life, the Universe, and Everything is the approximate number of licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll Center of a Tootsie Pop. No! No you are wrong that is not it! Then what was it? Answer number 52,249,093 on page 34,029, third column, second paragraph.. Oh! Okay, that makes even less sense.. Are you saying that I as God make no sense? No, just the answer. An answer in which I have picked! Aha! You are insulting me! No, no my Lord I am not insulting you, I am merely stating that the answer of "The Dog runs around the tree at midnight." does not fit the question. But it is the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, it wasn't supposed to make sense. Well you should have TOLD me that! And you call yourself omniscient! Sorry... Stop aplogizing! I hate it when people apologize! What are you doing now? Averting my eyes oh Lord. Stop that! Stop that right now! Sorry my Lord. And stop calling me "My Lord". Sorry my Lor...er sir. Now get back to bussiness. Right... Now as I was saying, the Question to the Ultimate Answer Of Life, the Universe, and Everything is the same question in which the answer is for. Oh gee that was real helpful. Hey what do you expect on this salary? A whole encyclopedia?! Well atleast a better answer.. Well YOU come up with one then! Uh..... ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00150) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 15:28:30 P 07/04/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me, oh exalted Oracle, what my soul yearns for Oh, mighty Oracle. May your name ever be held in high honor in bathrooms across the land. Oh, infinitely powerful Oracle! Only you could create a rock so heavy even you could not lift it! We exalt you to a level above all household appliances, great and mighty Oracle! If it pleases you, oh, wise and wonderful Oracle, dip into your bottomless well of truth and answer my question. Ease my yearning heart, oh gracious Oracle. When will men and women understand each other in a way that allows us to peacefully coexist on Earth? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Oooooohhhh.. That's an easy one- NEVER! Believe it or not, Men and Women are actually two seperate species locked into a symbiotic relationship. The male and female thought patterns, and biological systems are so dramatically different that they can never see eye-to-eye, unless they get a gender change... In a recent study, I discovered that at the age of one day, babies already have difficulty comprehending one anothers behaviour. In one hospital nursery I visited, the kids segregated themselves by gender. When the nurses mixed them up again, an hour later they were once again seperated. No one has figured out how the kids managed to move their cribs around, especially so quickly. I also observed several such infants arguing (in baby talk of course) over why some have additional organs and others don't. In another study, I visited several cemetaries to see if the effects last through death. The results were startling. The same behaviour was apparent in death as well. Underground, the corpses segregated themselves by gender. When moved back, it would only take them a matter of hours to seperate once again. I also noted that several were engaged in arguments (in stiff-talk of course) over who lacked certain additional organs, and why. So you see, this phenomenon begins shortly after birth, and is taken to the grave. These differences will never be resolved. You mortals are so one-dimensional.. You owe the Oracle a crib and a casket. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved.