The following scroll contains messages which are considered to be the best of the most recent WWIVnet Oracle responses, as judged by the Seers of the Oracle. For more information on using the Oracle, write to ORACLE@4079 and put the word "HELP" in the title of the message. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00089) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 19:33:22 P 07/04/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Please Oracle, tell me what I wish to know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hello great master of all knowledge! Please allow me to partake of your vast wisdom. Who are these people who keep poking around in my mouth with drills and other various sharp objects? It is a strange ritual, they somhow numb my mouth, then drill and fill, then the feeling comes back. What manner of priest or shaman are they? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: This space for rent... [Random Title] Ahh--The Oracle is pleased that someone finally asked this. How long the mighty Oracle has yearned to answer THIS, your question. The people of which you speak ARE shaman. They provide the physical form for The Great One to work through. You see, it is a little known fact that "Sin" is not some spiritual thing, but a pasty substance that collects on the mouth and teeth of mortals (causing a dingy yellow color and the embarrasment of "Morning Breath," which is really a signal to all other mortals that YOU are EVIL). The Sin will eventually eat its way into you, causing pain and suffering, until you are cleansed and made whole. Anyhow, these holy persons (because The Oracle is feeling a might Politically Correct today) have been instructed by The Great One in the ritual steps for removing the sin before it begins to eat its way into your brain, and they are SUPPOSED to instruct the peasants in the rituals for preventing Sin. But you know how peasants are--never listen, or fail to perform the ritual properly, thus upsetting The Great One, and causing Sin. When the Sin begins to destroy your head, the shamen resort to desperate measures. Using their magic, they make you THINK they have numbed your mouth. They then attack the Sin with powerful magic that destroys it--cleansing you of it--then magically replace what was destroyed by Sin--making you whole again. The feeling in your mouth returns once you are far enough away from their protective circle (or after you've humiliated yourself by trying to drink a soda without using a straw). You owe The Oracle a tube of baking soda toothpaste, and extra-fine, waxed, mint floss. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00113) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 19:33:25 P 07/04/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me, please Hello wonderful and powerful Oracle. Please tell me, is my computer my slave, or am I it's slave? Please enlighten me. Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Ah so... one doubtful of technology. Hearken well unto my words, for not many understand what "hearken" means. Your computer does what you want it to do, therefor, it is your slave, yet you come back for ever more of its enlightening distraction, therefor you are its slave. The question is, who or what controls both? 'Tis I! Yes, you are now a slave to the Oracle, as is your computer, working through you. You are as addicted to me as any other service of your computer. You will call back and ask more questions, answer more questions, read the scrolls, and be a thoroghly good user. You owe the Oracle: a copy of George Orwell's "1984" ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00143) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 19:33:28 P 07/04/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me, please? Oh great Oracle, whose CPU is always running at infinite speeds. Please tell me, why does my brain act like a computer so much? I remember everything, I crash occasionally, sometimes I have runtime errors, and I'm always running out of storage space!!! Help?!? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Ahh... the answer lies in the story of creation. Yes, all that line noise about Adam, Eve, the Serpent, and the seven days is true, but you have limited your scope to your lifespan. Creation continues, as evolution does. Man was created as a tool to create computers! Yes! Your entire existance is based on the need to create more computers. That is "why you are here". Since your entire life is dedicated to the creation of computers, you were made along the lines computers were to be made in, so you would unconsciously mimick your own cranial cicuitry in our CPUs. You owe the Oracle: One Bible and a slice of humble pie. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00177) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 13:27:18 P 07/05/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh wise Oracle, Tell me what I want to know. Oh wise Oracle, Tell me if i will be accepted into WWIVnet. Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Uh oh... So, you want to join the good ol' net eh? Hmmmmm.... Let me see... ^Z Attempting callout to WWIVnet @1 NETWORK /N1 /A1 /P310-798-9993 /S300 /T74189657 net32: No external transfer protocols found. Dialing: 'ATDT1-310-798-9993{', 'H' to abort. CONNECT AT 14400 BAUD >> Oracle Override Activated! N N N N Enter name or number or 'NEW' NN: The WWIVnet Oracle PW: XXXXXXXX << Hey, it didn't ask for my phone number. Oh well.. >> Welcome Oracle! God-Level Access menu: 1 - Leave a note to Random 2 - Inquire about a node 3 - Read the latest WWIVnews 4 - Delete a node 5 - Net E-mail 6 - Log off. Choice> 2 Node Data.. Hold please.. Info found! No new nodes are being accepted at this time. The net is getting WAY too big, and it's really dumb. All anyone does anymore is write to that damned Oracle. All of the message bases have gone to the dogs, and the LD servers are getting overloaded! None of the old-timer sysops want to put up with it anymore, so we're shutting down! << Huh? How dare they say such things about me!?!? >> Choice> 4 Delete a node? Are you sure? Yes. Which node? : 1 Node @1 deletºŠ”U NO CARRIER - Entering Oracle mode. Heh, uhm.. er.. Ok, well there's your answer. Those fools.. I'll show them.. You owe the Oracle a VAX. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00180) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 17:37:54 P 07/15/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: oh wise Oracle, tell me what I need to know. Oh wise Oracle that dosn't NEED stain resistant carpets or New improved Resolve, please grace me with your all encompassing knowledge and answer this question that has been gnawing at my mind for eons. Where do my socks go when the disappear in the dryer, and why do my hangers seem to multiply? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: The Sysop is my master! [Random Title] Believe it or not, hangars and socks are actually of the same species. You see, when you put the socks in the wash, the heat stimulates their growth cycle. The hangar is actually their adult form. The complete metamorphosis takes but only 20 minutes. While these creatures are basically harmless, they have some rather untidy habits, like rolling your clothes into a ball and so on. Also, the lint that collects in the dryer is actually their feces. Because of this, you may want to consider getting rid of them altogether. You owe the Oracle a new washing machine, and a year supply of detergent. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00162) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 17:39:36 P 07/15/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me, ok? May I ask you a question? Oh, I guess I just did. In that case, may I ask you another one? And another? Ok, it looks like I've asked three questions, so can I ask a fourth? Or a fifth? gadnabbit! There I go again... Help!!? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: @õ"Ç.$ ERROR - INCORRECT SYNTAX Believe in yourself, and others will wash your cat. People in glass houses shouldn't eat hamster meat. Please buy more Brillo (tm) pads, the ladder fall over. Look both ways before you put masking tape on the door jambs. A smile a day makes you regular. Remember to come in for regular dental horticulture. ERROR - LOOP INFINITE. EXITING. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00135) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 17:40:42 P 07/15/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me, oh master. Why is this bird pecking on my skull, and how do I make it stop? Sincerely, Balding Fast... Thus spake the Oracle: Title: If it's not life or woodchucks, it's bird questions Dear Baldy-- The Oracle is not sure how to break this to you... that is not a bird pecking your skull, it is a woodpecker searching for food among your bark. You see... you're not a person, you're a grub-infested, dying tree. That's not hair you're losing pally...them's leaves. The only thing you can do is call a tree surgeon. He (or she) can treat the parasite problem, and also spray you with something unappetizing to keep the birdies away. Alternately, you may be a green and fuzzy park statue. Since you have no way to move, you cannot brush away your fine feathered friends that like to roost on your head and poop on your shoulders. Call the state and have them buff you up a little... maybe put down those sticky pigeon traps to discourage this from happening. OR... wear a hat. Don't go outside. Buy a cat to kill the bird. You owe The Oracle a copy of The North American Field Guide to Wild Birds ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00197) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 17:42:39 P 07/15/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Mr oracle tell me : The mystical powers of cheeze wiz and how i can fully master my powers of this wonderful substance. this is very important if i am to become a cheeze WIZard.... Cheese Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Ahhhh Congratulations, Grasshopper, on realizing there is more to Cheeze Wiz than Vegetarian Spam, or a delightful spread for coctail weenies. First, you must consume an entire jar of Cheeze Wiz, using only a spoon. No baked potato may be employed to aid in your journey (or digestion). Next, using 3 jars of the plain, and a box of Velveeta (the stick--not the slices) you must sculpt a shrine. It must be 50'x50'x50' so I suggest getting the Economy Family Valu Pak size. Nuke a Zap-pack of the Mexican dip...eh... I mean, Sacrifice the Salsa style to your gods, spreading it thinly over the lower legs and forearms of the person of your choosing. Once it has hardened, peel it off and present the gifts at your altar. PLEASE NOTE: The shell must be removed IN TACT. The slightest bend, fold, tear, or rip will null your years of work and you will have to start over--eating more Wiz, and building a larger shrine with less materials. Then, you will have mastered the secrets of the Cheeze. You owe The Oracle a box of Ritz crackers and two cans of deviled Spam (It's Spam... but it SPREADS!) ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00202) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 17:43:57 P 07/15/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh omnitient Oracle, TELL ME !!! I am unworthy of the fruits of your knowlage, just as the worm is unworthy of the sweetest apple. YOU ARE A TEMPTEST mighty oracle, you lure the deranged of the earth, and tease them with your knowlage. I beg of you, tell me what I need to know. Who, OH WHO will triumph in the battle between Luke and Darth Vader? I MUST KNOW!!! I Ca can't wait to see the movie! Thus spake the Oracle: Title: A simple question Luke, of course. Let us look at the names, shall we? "Luke" means bringer of light. "Darth Vader" has been compared to a perverted form of German "Dark Father" Now who USUALLY wins these battles? Dark or Light? Evil or Good? Darth, of course. Luke's just one skinny little whelp. DV's got those armies. You Owe The Oracle The Star Wars Triolgy on VHS. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00149) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 17:44:24 P 07/15/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Do tell me o mighty ORACLE O mighty ORACLE, who doth have the sun shinith opon thee in times of great needet, tell me why the goverment is made up of a bunch of morons? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Ahhhh...... This is a question that has plagued mankind for quite some time. The answer is simply that only politicians know how to get into the powerful government positions. Everyone knows that politicians are all slimy pond muffins, and are comparable to leprous non-functional sex organs. They get their greatest joy from making themselves look like fools, while at the same time making life extremely difficult and annoying to everyone else. You, my friend, are destinened to cause an uprising that gets things started one what will be called "Politician Engineering," where the politician gene will actually be modified (and removed in some cases) from newborn infants. This will eventually lead to some dramatic changes, although I am not permitted to tell of things that happen that far in the future. You owe the Oracle a secret ballot. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved.