The following scroll contains messages which are considered to be the best of the most recent WWIVnet Oracle responses, as judged by the Seers of the Oracle. For more information on using the Oracle, write to ORACLE@4079 and put the word "HELP" in the title of the message. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00176) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 17:45:11 P 07/15/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me... Oh great, good, big, grand, small, insignifigant, thoroghly confounding, and contradicting one, where do the socks go when you "lose them in the wash"? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Ahhh.... hoorah! Finally, someone has asked me that question. There are several causes actually, and discovering which one you have can be quite difficult. One possible cause is that you have a hungry washing machine. Sometimes when they haven't been fed, they'll start eating socks (socks have the best flavor of all dirty clothing). So solving this problem is easy, simply add food to your washloads. Another possibility is that the dirt in the clothes has reached critical mass, forcing a rupture in the fabric of space, through which the clothing passes on to another dimension. I would give you directions to the place that all the socks accumulate, but you are not capable of interdimensional travel. The most common cause however, is this species of gremlin called "eatimus allclothimus." They too prefer socks over other clothing. If you are washing anything particularly expensive, make sure you add some socks to draw their attention. Have you noticed a particularly large amount of lint collecting in the lint collector? Those fuzzy things are gremlin droppings, and should be disposed of immediately. There is one other possibility as well, though it is unlikely. You may be subconsciously eating them yourself. Have you been constipated more than usual lately? This is one possible sign that your intestines are getting clogged with socks. if this is the case, then try repeating the following to yourself over and over: "Socks are for feet, not for eating. Socks are for feet, not for eating." It might work. You owe the Oracle a transistor car-TV. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00175) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 17:45:36 P 07/15/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me... ok? Oh great Oracle, please tell me why girls are such a pain (except when they're drunk)?!?!??!?! Thanx, Lonely. Thus spake the Oracle: Title: As it so happens... This Oracular Wonder of the Modern World hath deemed thine query worthy of a response. The answer is: Why not? Of course, this response engenders some elaboration, I see. Very well... In the beginning, of course, Woman was subservient to Man. This is noted by the various cultures and their traditions throughout history. This could be called Man's first Conquest. Then came fire, water, air...and even space. Man has always been of a rather "pioneering" spirit, and conquest after conquest, Man has gone on, searching for new things to conquer. Now that he has strolled down the more obvious avenues of adventure, you, Lonely, have taken an unknowing step BACK...probably an unconcious desire to search out an obscure side alley. You see, women are incomprehensible to you at this moment, because a "greater conciousness" has directed you to search out NEW AND IMPROVED conquests for all of ManKind. (Who knows? (I do..) You may discover new erogenous zones in women to bring them back INto subservience to your sex. New positions to facilitate this. Something...something YOU will/might discover due to your anxiety to understand the opposite sex.) Now, I must get on to assigning mysteries for others to ask. The Oracle requires of you: three (3) mattress covers, a large basket, and kindling. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00151) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 17:45:07 P 07/15/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: [Unavailable] Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Are we having fun yet? [Random Title] Well, ok. You may clean the floor with your tongue once again. But this time, don't miss any spots! I don't care how much vomit and horse-cake is on the floor! It's a stable! What do you expect!?! But in response to your question, there are several reasons. Some have a genetic inclination to be corrupt politicians. The more interesting cause is the new species of brain parasite recently found in politician brains. This parasite enters the body while the politician is going to the bathroom (they enter the house through the pipes), and quickly settle into the lateral ventricles. Their tendrils extend outward, and connect to several key regions of the brain, and cause the person to behave irrationally and selfishly. The person is soon reduced to a slobbering idiot, although not many people notice the difference. The politician is then elected into important positions, and everyone suffers. You owe the Oracle a cat and a nuclear powered wind-up mouse. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00173) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 19:34:47 P 07/18/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oracle, please tell me the answer, so I ponder no more... Oracle, the very embodiment of infinite wisdom and forsight, please consider my question carefully and answer me so that my weary mind may ponder no more. This is a question which gives me sleepless nights and troubled days, my nerves are frayed, and yet I can find no answer to my plight. Why is it that when I ask a female out, the answer is always "No" followed by an excuse of little thought? How should a female let down a male easily and comfortably, without butchering him or leaving him to die a slow death with "Uh, no, I have... to do my nails tonight, and then... uh, I am meeting someone afterwards." Oh Oracle, what would you do? What is your answer? Until your answer, A forelorn supplicant. Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Ah-ha... a subject about which The Oracle knows much. To be blunt, all women are evil, vile rotten creatures from the lowest level of Hell. Women are the things demons fear most, and even the devil himself is none too fond of. I'm sure you know the story of how Lucifer was cast out of heaven, right? He wanted to be godlike--have the ability to create and all that bother. So he tried it. And let's face it.. only god can make a tree. Apparently only god can make everything else. He decided to let this angel have a shot. Lucifer's directorial debut was woman.. Not Eve... but Lilith. A real mean one. Liberated, intelligent, a little kinky... pretty much perfect. So he kept her and created Eve... soft, simpering, weak... and stupid. The stupid ones always say "No" when asked out by intelligent guys. Even if they appear to be intelligent, the second they say "no" you know it's one of Them. Look for a demon instead of a woman. The Oracle is told that sex is better that way, anyhow. You owe The Oracle a copy of "How to meet women through magic" and a pair of handcuffs. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00187) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 10:25:54 A 07/24/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oooo... Great and Wise and Mighty Oracle. Tell me of things. O Great and wise Oracle... In thy infinite Wisdom, couldst thou find it withen thy power to let me know the True meaning of the Word "Vatoe"? For in mine own pitiful searching I have been unable to Discover what this word has come to mean... May thy Hard Drive never Crash and Thy chips never fail!!! Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Words! Ooooh, The Oracle just loves playing with words! The true meaning of Vatoe... Actually, it's two words. Va Toe. Starting with the second half, "toe" is the flesh and bone appendage on the feet of most human beings. Check. You may just have 5 of them in various sizes on each of your feet. "Va" is actually a perversion of the word "my." Try saying "my" with a lot of yogurt in your mouth, or a really nasty cold. The odds are 10 to 1 that it'll sound more like "Va." Put together, "Vatoe" is an exclamation--MY TOE! Useful when someone drops a 20 ton weight on your foot, or when a bus runs over it. you owe The Oracle a pair of Dr Scholl arch support inserts, size 5 men's or 6 women's. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00189) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 10:28:43 A 07/24/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me oh great oracle. Great oracle, who's very nose dis-charges are worth more than gold. Tell me why is it that when the soul of your shoe wears out it tend to collect more gum? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Really? The souls of your shoes wear out and collect gum? Mine tend to wear out on the sides first, and I get sand between my toes. Fascinating. Of course, I did have the one pair, where the inside shredded and I found myself stepping on the rubber soul whenever I put them on, but I think that was because my cats had found them to be comfortable beds and would pull the inner parts out to make more room. You know, it's so hard to get a good pair of shoes these days. I was just remarking to someone about that the other day. Sandals, for example. The back strap tends to break first, then it just flops around on your foot, slapping against the pavement and making a lot of noise and causing blisters. Of course, anything is better than those hideous platform shoes. There's one trend I hope never fully comes back. Bell bottoms are bad enough. Can you believe people are actually WEARING those again? Sad. You mortals have absolutely no respect for clothing. Or no sense of fashion history. But I'd rather see bell bottoms and platform shoes, rather than those drab, shapeless things the Puritans wore. Why I remember one time..... ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00194) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 10:29:59 A 07/24/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me, O wise Oracle... [Your Title ] Hello, it's me again... [Random Title] [Msg. Status] O Humble Oracle, Reply Please I humble myself in your binary presence... Tell me, please, O Digital Personage Who Flosses Every Day, which day of the week will a stranger come u p to me and give my moped a hot wax? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Hmmmmm.....Mopeds and hot wax....Sounds vaguely sexual.... .....Let's see....When will a complete stranger some up to you? Hmmmm...Usually I don't have to think this long to answer such a simple question....This should be an easy one....Hang on.... ::Dial Tone:: Shit...What's the damn number.... ::beep, beep, beep....beep, beep, beep, beep:: ::ring:: ::ring:: "Automotive!" Yeah, Hi....Frank? This is the big O.... "Oh, hi....What do you want?" Well....Do you have any hot wax? "I dunno....Lemme check" (I hate it when he checks....He's supposed to be near-omniscient....) "O?" Yeah.... "No hot wax till Thursday." Oh well, thanks anyway....See ya Frank... "Later, O." ::click:: I hate that guy...... There ya go....The answer is Thursday.... You owe the Oracle a new set of handlebars long distance charges..... ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00174) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 10:30:35 A 07/24/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me... Oh great and powerful Oracle, please tell me: Why does alcohol have such a profound effect on peoples' minds? Thanx. Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Answer: Well, it has to do with my ex-wife. You see, God created my ex-wife and saw that she was bad. Instead of destroying her utterly, he reduced her to liquid form and named her 'alcohol'. Now, anyone ingesting her is susceptible to her attitudes for a certain period of time. In closing, I'd like to say alcohol AKA my ex-wife is bad for you. Shun them both. You owe the Oracle a breathalizer test... ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00200) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 10:34:10 A 07/24/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell Me Oh ORACLE Please Tell Me if Life Will EVER get Better??? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Funny you should ask that... Because I've recently been discussing your very situation with the other Oracles. As you demand an answer, I shall grant it to you. Assuming you're not someone recently convicted of a crime and can't show your face in public, holing up in a remote log cabin to chat with your fellow people through a modem... not that I know anyone like that, of course. After all, I'm a very clean cut Oracle. I never killed anybody, especially not with an AXE after all! And the gas station robberies? They're a frame up, I tell you! I swear! I mean, I wouldn't know what to do with the money! But anyway, getting back to your question, will my life EVER get better, I have to say yes. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00192) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 10:34:28 A 07/24/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me Tell me, Oh Wise And Glorious Oracle, what do I have to do to receive a bloody answer????? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Re: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000192) Stnd on your head or something. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved.