The following scroll contains messages which are considered to be the best of the most recent WWIVnet Oracle responses, as judged by the Seers of the Oracle. For more information on using the Oracle, write to ORACLE@4079 and put the word "HELP" in the title of the message. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00225) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: The Aphasic Mute) Date: 11:15:52 A 07/30/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me, cauze i would like to know... who makes the VERY BEST Ansi's? and how can i reach them? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: With a booming voice, the Oracle responds to your pleas... While your groveling leaves a bit to be desired, I will answer your question out of the kindness of my heart before I you or send my dragon to play fetch with you. It is so seldom asked by a supplicant about the quality of ANSI's, and where the best ANSI's could be found. While some might tell you that God is the best creator of ANSI drawings, I will tell you that just isn't so. Sure, he was great making trees, and dogs, and even you (I guess), but he just doesn't have the time or patience to create a good ANSI. It was going to be an ANSI drawing of the Tree of Knowledge in the Garden of Eden, but after 20,501 attempts at drawing a tree using 16 colours and the ANSI character set, het got upset and decided to create a real tree instead. During the early 1980's, a chain of stores opened up across America called ANSIs'R'US but the IBM PC market just didn't receive ANSI drawings with the same enthusiasm that people do today. The CEO was just a decade ahead of his time in creating ANSI's for the general public. People didn't like seeing ANSI drawings on their TRS-80, Apple, or IBM. The drawing time was terrible, and seeing an ANSI in amber, green, or monochrome grey just didn't excite people. ANSIs'R'US filed a Chapter 11 for Bankruptcy in 1983. The CEO moved on to work for Apple in 1986, where he marketed the Apple Macintosh SE without keyboards, believing users would be able to wordprocess faster using a keyboard bitmap and a mouse. 24,635 computers were sold without keyboards. But I digress, you are so much hoping to learn the secret of great ANSIs. I will tell you where to find them. You must begin by walking in front of a mirror and saying "Candyman" five times... oops, wrong answer... I mean "Beetlejuice" three times... oops, wrong again. Hell, just type "ANSI" five times at your DOS prompt, press [ENTER], and wait a few minutes for the message to be transmitted across the ether. In a matter of minutes, your message will reach the ANSI guru high in the Himalayas. The ANSI guru is a man (or a woman) who was ostracized by society for having too much talent with ANSI drawing. This man (or woman) would do nothing but draw ANSI pictures all of the time. All versions of TheDraw were inadequate for this guru, so the guru (be it man or woman) took the time to painstakingly type in EVERY ANSI command by hand. I am told that only the best ANSIs are made in this fashion. To draw the best ANSIs, you must learn as this guru has. Avoid Macintosh computers without keyboards, for surely damnation lies along that path. Each ANSI command must be painstakingly typed in by hand, and you must grovel the next time you beseech the Oracle. You owe the Oracle "Richard Scarry's Book of ANSI for Children" and a Pentium computer to run TheDraw 12 on. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00226) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: The Aphasic Mute) Date: 11:16:52 A 07/30/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me cause i am askin please, nice orcale What are the 4 L's to modeming ? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Well, well, well! You got me there! Sike! I, er, I, um...I know, really. With a brain as large as mine, it takes a few minutes to download information from it! 4 L's...hmm. Those would be: Lunch hour--Everyone has just got to use the modem during lunch hour! It is a strange, inert ability borne into humans at the beginning of their existence (which happens to be when the modem was invented) Lethal--Modeming is very deadly. People can get addicted to it to such a point that all hope of returning is lost, and they just it in front of their monitor, day after day after day after day after day after day after day...How many days was that? Well they modem INFINITELY, or, more often, until they die (which is usually very soon due to their lacking want of food and sleep) Line-noise--Definitely one of the L's would be line noise. Every modeming ear is accustomed to it, as they well should be. You hear it all the time. Some demented people even consider ita type of musical art form! But no many. Of course, you asking me this question, you're probably one of them! Late--Every good modem-user stays up REAL late to use it, and then use it all through the night. Speaking of...IT'S LATE! Why aren't you in bed! Uh oh...stages of the 2nd L have set in... The ORACLE requires an explanation of why on Earth, or in the Heavens, you would want an answer to a question like that! ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00183) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: The Aphasic Mute) Date: 11:17:55 A 07/30/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh wise Oracle, tell me what to do. I beseech thee, greatest and most wise oracle. I have a query which I must have answered, which is of the utmost importance. Oftentimes in my sleep I dream of a thousand and fifty three different furry creatures. These furry creatures never fail to torment me in my dream, and I know not why until I look down upon my drapings - which are completely absent! Hurriedly I search for a sanctuary until I can find some form of clothing, but all in vain, for as I look around, I find that I am standing on a vast plain of nothing more than a field of fruit roll-ups! I ask thee, oracle: How might I turn these furry creatures to a thousand and fifty three naked, gorgeous women instead? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: This is a test, only a test... [Random Title] Ahh... you have reached a point in your life that is very important and interesting. Every mortal faces a time when he or she must face the dreaded "Oh no! I'm naked with 1053 furry creatures looking at me!" dream. It is a test of your worthiness of remaining alive. Only when you succeed will they turn into gorgeous nude females. To succeed, you must face the situation in REAL life. Search for a wide open grassland, one with 1053 furry animals looking at you, and then strip. Soon your women should appear. You owe the Oracle a century-long subscription to all of the girly mags. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00186) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: The Aphasic Mute) Date: 11:19:31 A 07/30/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh wise Oracle, tell me... Why do you go to school to learn communication and all they say is "No Talking!" Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Uh oh... Ahh, you see, you are learning one of the most important prerequisite for teaching, which is being a hypocrite. You see, in order to be a teacher, you must never mean what you say, or say what you mean. Likewise, you must never have the students do anything useful, and you must always make them do busy-work that's pointless and boring. Additionally, everything must be over-complicated and under-explained. Now that you know that, you may go ahead and defy the teacher and talk, since you know what is best for yourself. You owe the Oracle a used car-salesman and a box of thumb-screws. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00223) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 10:40:12 A 07/31/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Please tell me O wise Oracle, please impart to me directions to Sesame Street. Thus spake the Oracle: Title: .... You foolish mortal... how dare you ask that question of me. But I see the ingnorance in your ways, you seek knowledge, and that is good.... therefor I shall supply the knowledge you seek. OK....come here, bend closer so as I may whisper the knowledge to you, that no other ears shall hear. Now... Enter the T.V. tunnel, you should come out in Visiland. NOw you hang a left at Channel 2, The evil and Vile In Living Color moster shall await be awaiting you... but if you follow Sal Castinata's directions you will survive. go down the channels being careful not to stop, for one of the networks may force you to sign a life-time contract. Travel to channel 9, make sure you don't pass it, for the vile painter with the frow, lurks in channel 10. He will paint you in a box if you miss channel 9. Once you reach channel 9, enter down the yellow brick road tunnel, and you in Seseame Street land! There I have told you, now leave my presence mortal, for I rest the information from your mind. Beware that is powerful information you know have, use it well. "POOF" the oracle is no longer there. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00212) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 19:41:08 P 08/04/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh wise and true Oracle! Tell me about Breath Savers! Wise Oracle! I wish to leech of your vast knowledge! Breath Savers have had me intrigued for the longest time! What are those green-sparkly things in the center? Please, Oracle, I beseech thee! I anxiously await your response! Thus spake the Oracle: Title: ahh yes unknowing one...the Breath Savers question. Those sparkly things in the center have baffled men of science on many planets for many years. Some think it is particles left over from sonic booms, others think it is the scrapings from Dan Quayle's belly button. There are many sad men of science indeed. But here you have come groveling before the Oracle to find knowledge that you lack. And I shall give it to you. The green sparkly things in the center of Breath Savers are made of essence of freeze dried bread mold and barrel scrapeings from the bottom of your local Burger Barn's trash containers. If you would spend more time using Breath Savers you might not have to spend your nights setting in front of a monitor and sacrificing small animals to get your morbid curiosity satisfied. You owe the Oracle a Three Stooges tape and a two litre Diet Coke ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00211) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 19:42:07 P 08/04/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me why... Please share with we some of your infinate wisdom oracle. I ask why is the sky allways so blue? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Who's in charge of teaching these kids to grovel? These kids today have no respect for their elder omnipotent beings! Ah, but now to your question my child. The sky is blue? Where I reside, the Oracle Continuum, the sky is mostly chartreuse, with a bit of mauve when its about to rain. Don't assume that just because the sky is blue where you live, its blue everywhere. I suspect the reason the sky is blue is due to a giant conspiracy between the crayon manufacturers and teachers. Think about it, how many endless crayon drawings were you forced to scribble in your youth? If you were like me in P.S. ãrý (I was in the talented and gifted class) you wore out many a blue (or in my case chartreuse) crayon. You owe the Oracle a case of Ding Dongs, and 2 AA batteries ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00209) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 19:45:19 P 08/04/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me Tell me, oh wonderous Oracle that always has just enough hot dogs at the Annual Oracle Picnic, and never drips mustard on your shoes; What is the food at McDonalds REALLY made of. I know its definitly not hamburger, chicken or fish. So what is it? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Ah. The McDonalds food is made of... [Your Title ] The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000209) [Msg. Status] No Reply Necessary ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ a material found only on asteroids in another solar system. McDonalds is actually a subdivision of NASA, so they have unlimited access to this material, called Beefoid. Beefoid is a lot like beef, but has the unusual property of being able to flatten itself into a piece of Beefoid that is slightly less than a centimeter across. And is actually quite tasty, if you put approximately 473 gallons of ketchup on it. Beefoid has the side effect of being quite dry, you can eat drywall and get more nutrition and it tastes better. So, now that the Oracle has given you an answer to your question, you owe the Oracle a McChicken Combo with a large Pepsi. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00210) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 19:45:53 P 08/04/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh wise ORacle TELL ME what it is!! Mr. ORACLE, If you weaz the muffins when there fresh, what happens? But if there cold and you weaz them, is that okay???????? -- The Weazer -- Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Ah, the old muffin-weazing question. [Your Title ] The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000210) [Msg. Status] No Reply Necessary ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I assume you are referring to the practice of placing the muffin between two toes and squeezing it until it is dry. Weazing is quite useful, if done properly. By draining all the oil and sour cream (no, wait, there's no sour cream in muffins) you arrive at a nutritious breakfast that tastes like ceiling tile. You owe the Oracle another question, preferably one that makes sense. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved.