The following scroll contains messages which are considered to be the best of the most recent WWIVnet Oracle responses, as judged by the Seers of the Oracle. For more information on using the Oracle, write to ORACLE@4079 and put the word "HELP" in the title of the message. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00217) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 15:04:55 P 08/09/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Re: O omniscient ORACLE, tell me the answer to this: Why must my loveable children insist on bothering me when I'm programming on my computer? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Beam me up! [Random Title] Well foolish mortal, you see, children are equipped with what we call an "anti do-not-disturb agitator device" which allows them to detect when you are the most irritable, and the most engaged in something which requires you not being disturbed. Through use of this, they can manage to get anything they want out of you, such as new toys. Here is a typical scenario: Child: I want a new toy. You: Arg! Go away! I'm programming!! Child: I SAID I want a new toy!! You: Go away! Child: Not until I get a new toy!!!! You: Ok!!! FINE!! You can have a new toy!! Child: Thank you!!! Oh boy!!! You: Now go away!!! Child: I love you!! Thank you!!! You: I SAID GO AWAY!!!!! Child: Not until I get another toy... And so on... Sound familiar? All you can do is simply never do any programming. It's the only way. You owe the Oracle a paper shredder and a printer. Oh yeh, they're the same thing.. Ok, just one will do. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00228) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 15:05:19 P 08/09/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me... Oh wise one of blah blah blah, tell me (you realize you have to) the answer to my question, although I doubt that anyone could answer it. Where do all the odd socks that don't have a match when you take them out of the laundry pile come from? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Well well well... You see... The socks are not actually yours. Well, some are. But half of them are not. What happens is when you put your laundry in the dryer, some of your sock are teleported to another dryer somewhere else in the country, and vice versa. Therefore, you end up with a few of someone elses socks, and a few of your own vanish. It's an unusual phenomenon, one worthy of further study. I shall endeavor to discover the reasons for these strange occurances, but until then you shall have to live with the knowledge of what happens, and not why. You owe the Oracle a treasure map and a pair of car-keys. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00232) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 15:06:49 P 08/09/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me oh great one....tell this mesaly excuse for a user who humbly grovels in your presence....tell me what the next winning lotto numbers will be! Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Re: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000232) The Oracle does not know if a mere mortal can responsibly handle the knowledge of knowing what the next winning Lotto numbers will be. Lemme see... Peering into my crystal ball... Ohm, Borhs, electron flow theory, ... ... .... Okay, the spirits of the bit stream tell me that you, of all people on the face of the Earth can be trusted with this knowledge. The winning numbers are: 01 17 03 10 49 33 Now you must go on your Quest. Your Quest is to find WHICH Lotto in the entire world these numbers will win. You time expires in two days. You owe the Oracle $.02 ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00245) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 15:08:42 P 08/09/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: oh great and wise oracle, please tell me the answer The Oracle, whose greatness goes unsurpassed after all these years, and still doesn't look a day over 27, and whose infinite wisdom shows the error of our mere mortal ways. Oh teller of knowledge, impart some of your wisdom upon me, and explain why those of the canine persuasion always have this distinct fascination of sticking their noses in very embarrassing places on the human anatomy (but I shall fail to mention, because, being the great and wonderful Oracle, I know you understand what I mean). Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Ahh... I am glad someone finally asked this question (today anyway, I usually answer this a few times each day, and tis always a pleasure). You see, canines (or DOGS, for the less enlightened) are not as sexually aggressive as you humans, so it is natural for you to misinterpret their intentions. Let me junp tracks a little here to explain. Humans have many ways of greeting one another. For instance, the hand-shake. It's a silly ritual, but one that works. Cats lick each others' faces (no, I said FACES, not FECES), fish slap fins, woodchucks chuck, and dogs sniff each others' posteriors. Since humans stand upright, the dogs figure they have an extra convenience available to them. They can sniff your rear from the front! While to them it seems the next logical step, most humans are rather annoyed by it, particularly when the dog has large sharp teeth. Sharp teeth and reproductive organs don't mix. It's as simple as that, at least to you humans. While we're on the subject of animal habits, let me take a moment to give you a few extra pointers- Never feed your cat anything that clashes with your carpet, and keep a bunch of corks ready for the next time your fish develops a case of the "hole-in-the-head" disease. You owe the Oracle a leash for the dragon. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00241) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 23:34:43 P 08/09/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh mighty Oracle, tell me the answer to my pleas please Oh mighty oracle, whose very fleas wear gold-coated Air Jordans, whose very droppings are used in expensive perfumes, whose very plaque is used to stucco the Oval Office, whose very toe jam is served on toast in fine restaraunts, whose very eye buggers are used in the Pentium, whose very spittle is used to irrigate the Mississippi flood plains, whose very ear wax is used in trip wires in Lebanon, whose very flatulence is used to fuel the Space Shuttle, tell me, oh mighty Oracle of Might and Power and Wisdom, why the grain on wood is not removed to feed the hungry, and why the grain in sand is not removed to feed the hungry, and why the grain in film is not removed to feed the hungry? }:) Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Be Becuase you hproved your worth and mekness with that splurge of groveling, I will grace you with a answer. You see, there are four basic types of grain. Wood grain, Sand Grain, Film Grain, and Food Grain. Unfortuanlty, Only Food Grain is edible. This is because of the four Earth Elements. Earth, Wind, Fire and Water. Only Grains from the Earth Elementals can be eaten. Wood Grain is from Fire Elem,entals. (It can be burned) Sand Grain is from Water (Where do YOU find sand. the Beach, of course!) Film Grain is from Wind (Directors, Actors, Producers - all airheads) Food Grain is from Earth (grows in it) If you ate Wood Grainm, you's get a terrible case of heartburn. Sand Grain - Bloating and Direahha Film Grain - Flatulence, Belching, a really bad case of the stupids Only Food Grain is completly safe to eat. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00240) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 16:35:33 P 08/11/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh wise Oracle, please tell me! Oh, wise, powerful, omniscient Oracle, who's servants are continually at its beck and call, oh all-knowing Oracle, who is never at a loss for a date on a Saturday Night, why did my girlfriend dump for some guy from LA? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: ah HA! In Reference to: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000240) þThe Oracle requires a response to this question: þ þTitle: Oh wise Oracle, please tell me! þ þOh, wise, powerful, omniscient Oracle, who's servants are continually at its þbeck and call, oh all-knowing Oracle, who is never at a loss for a date on a þSaturday Night, why did my girlfriend dump for some guy from LA? This is actually an easy question, I really wish you would give me something worthy of my time. You don't think I am really here to answer pathetic questions about your ex-girlfriend, do you? I have ALL the answers to Life, the Universe, Everything, and you ask me about some ex-babe, sheesh. At times, the sheer lack of intelligence on the part of humans almost amazes ME! But ok, you asked, so here is the answer: Lift your left arm straight up. Stand up, spin in circles for 30 seconds. Now take a whiff of that armpit. Not quite appropriate for a Brut commercial there, are ya? And after only 30 seconds of activity. She left you because of this rather enervating effect at an intimate moment. As for why she left you for some guy from Los Angeles, it was the drive-by shooting scars, she thought they were cool, and she knew he would NEVER make unwanted sexual advances towards her, since he was incapable of following them up, being scarred where he was... You owe the Oracle a stick of Ban clear roll-on anti-perspirant/deoderant and a Ramses condom (jumbo). ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00242) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 16:37:23 P 08/11/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me Tell me, on great and powerful Oracle, that is definitly not a humbug, noa little girl from Kansas. Why do men have nipples? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Why do men have nipples? I have given your question much thought. Once it was thought that men had nipples only to serve as a source to the cliche' "Useless as nipples on men." Recently thanks to a multi-national governmental grant, research has shown that men's nipples have a natural guidance system to help locate women's nipples. Once women's nipples are located, the men's nipples become erect to point the right direction the nearest set of compatible nipples. This also sends a signal that says, "Hey baby, I want to see your nipples." Unfortunately, due to today's fashions, this signal is often muted, Therefore an expensive dinner, dancing and several alcohol- laden drinks are necessary. Before I joined the Oracle Continuum, I did some research of my own down on the coast. I met a tawny-skinned lass known to me only as "Oh, my." She showed me a few things she knew about men's nipples that I can't repeat here, but I must say several of her discoveries included honey, peanut butter (smooth) and occasionally Wesson oil. If you see her, (and you'll know her when you do) tell her my back is doing much better. You owe the Oracle a jar of honey and a plane ticket to the coast. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00238) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 16:39:20 P 08/11/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Re: O omniscient ORACLE, tell me the answer to this: O Oracle, wonderful and Great, whose breath is never bothered by the Evil of Halitosis, will you please Answer this Question? How much is that doggie in the window? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Well, You mean the one with the waggly tail? Yeh, I know that one. He's cute, isn't he? And get this, he's been there for over 50 years! You know how old that song is? Well, I must warn you that the dog has undergone various experiments. You see, the military has done chemical and radiation experiments on animals for nearly a century now, and your little friend in the window is actually part of the window. He was exposed to intense radiation that dimensionally phased him, and bound him to the glass. If you look through the glass, it simply looks as though he's on the other side. But if you look on the other side AROUND the glass, you'll see that he's not there. And if you look through the glass from the other side, it looks like he's hovering out over the sidewalk outside the store! No this all isn't so bad, he's still alive, but it's difficult to feed him. The store owner has to electrify dog-food to weaken it's molecular cohesion, then fuse it to the glass so that the dog may ingest it. It's a lot of work. And the glass has to be kept clean! The one good thing is that the dog is immortal in there, and will only die when the glass breaks, like this Ooops.. I.. I.. I didn't mean it!!! Really!! Waaaaahhhhhh!!!!!! I killed the wittle doggie!! I killed the wittle doggie!!! Waaaahhhhhhh!!!!!! You owe the Oracle a new dimensionally phased glass-bound pet. Wahhhhh!!! ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved.