The following scroll contains messages which are considered to be the best of the most recent WWIVnet Oracle responses, as judged by the Seers of the Oracle. For more information on using the Oracle, write to ORACLE@4079 and put the word "HELP" in the title of the message. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00252) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 15:17:42 P 08/15/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Please tell me . . . Oh wise and wonderful Oracle, who possesses infinite wisdom, and is far greater in every way than any mere mortal such as I, please, if I may be so bold, consider granting me the answer to my query: What is the ultimate nature of human interaction? Specifically, why is it that merely talking about a painful experience to a trusted friend, or even a stranger (i.e. a shrink), causes the pain to be lessened, even though talking does not change the fact that the painful experience still occurred? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Well, my humble supplicant...... You see, you humans are really mixed up. One of the most basic aspects of your behaviour is an innability to cope with logical reason, and therefore much of your activity and emotional sanctity are founded upon really backwards things... The simple fact that talking changes nothing is why it makes you feel better. It's that simple! I'll show you a few other examples of how humans were created by a drunk deity... Case study #1: > Hi Joe, how was your day? : It was ok. I got fired, and now I have a lot of free time! Why don't we go : on vacation? > But you don't have any money! You lost your job? : So? It'll be fun! > Ok, but you're paying. : Fair enough. Where do you want to go? > To work. I think factories make great vacation spots. : Nahh... Let's go in the garage, it's a lot closer. > Ok! Meet you there! In this particular case study, you can see two typical humans engaged in purely illogical and unreasoned thought. Despite the fact that they have no money, they are going to go on vacation. Then when they try to decide where to go, they think of work, and finally decide to stay home, but still think they're going on vacation. How stupid can humans get? Let's try to find out. Case study #2: > Mr. President, get up. It's time for work. : .. .. ... > Yes sir, that's right. Today you have to work on the budget. : .. .. ... > No sir, I will not dress you today. : Ugh... Ok ok ok... I'm getting up... [ A few hours later at the budget meeting ] : All right.. Hey! What's this??? We're spending millions on something : called .. Soke .. Sokee.. Sokeel Sek-ooo-rah-teee... Kill it! > But Mr President! We.. : No buts!! Wipe it out! > Yes sir. : And look at this!!! My chair is falling apart! Replace all the furniture : in ALL of the federal agencies! > But sir, that will cost hundreds of thousands.. : DO IT GODDAM-YOU!!! > But Mister President.. : That's LORD President to you, lowly serf!!! In this particular case, the president in question (oh yeh, you don't know him... he hasn't been elected yet) becomes one of the most popular presidents ever. Humans are like sheep, allowing themselves to be herded and flocked by moronic fools as the one shown above. Actually, one does not need to be a human to act this way. Let me show you another exmple: > Thou shalt not kill.. : But Lord, what if we need food? Can we kill animals? > Yes... and stop bothering me with those silly questions!!! : Sorry Lord. Can we kill roaches? > .. What? : I hate bugs.. > Forget the bugs... and listen closely.. : But these stone tablets are heavy. Can't we stop here, with only 574 : commandments? > Now look bub... I'm calling the shots here! : Ok.. > Thank you! Ok, where was I? Oh yes... Commandment #575: Thou shalt not > pick lint from thine belly-buttons. It's a disgusting habit. Commandment > #576: Thou shalt not pour salt on slugs, it makes them shrivel. : Sir, aren't you getting a little carried away? > Oh yeah?!?!?! . Darn, now I need a new prophet. And I'll have to > start all over again.. .. > **** Incoming message from the Pearly Gates **** > > ORACLE!! What do you think you're doing!?!? Uhh... Talking about you behind your back? > STOP NOW! Yes sir... Good lord he has a temper... > I do not. Do too. > Do not. Do too. > I SAID NOT! OGfh... Mi lft hnd iz bloown of... Gimm mu hnd bck!!!, Auto-Invoice (C) 1066 Oracle, No Rights Deserved. You owe the Oracle a new left hand. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00255) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 15:17:50 P 08/15/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me will i have a horrible teacher next year? DEar oracle tell me will I have any horrible teachers next year? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Uhhhhhhhhh......... Uhh... Yes? I think it goes without saying that you will always get a few bad teachers. Now, not EVERYone gets bad teacher mind you, I said YOU will always get some bad teachers. There are many of them out there, and you seem to have an innate ability to find them. Here's a preview of what's in store for you next year: Mr. Ooofgah: Long thin arms, brown hair, 6'11", pink eyes, slightly off-white/light-green skin. Enjoys eating tasty-hamsters. Never grades on a curve, and sleeps in class. Ms. McBorg: Wite skin, wears black, has a laser-scanner built into head. She is always glad to assimilate new students into the classroom. Mr. Reaper: Also has white skin and wear black. Appears to be slighty shrivelled. Is always "late" for class, and is "dying" to meet you! Mr. Homer: Often confused with the greek writer (appears to be that old), he is a beer enthusiast, and never misses an opportunity to break away for "Oooooooooohh!! Donuts!!!!!!!" Although he occasionally is too drunk to find them... ("Doh!!!") Mr. McTerm: Never fails to FAIL anyone, and terminate their grade. He'll be back. Good luck, and try to pull at least straight D's this year. You owe the Oracle a cute young female math teacher in a short skirt. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00231) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 13:27:29 P 08/23/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me oh great and wondrous Oracle....one whose teeth never yellow, and who never loses baggage at the airport...tell this humble servant this.... If 4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident for their patients who chew gum, what does the 5th dentist recommend? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: The dreaded Fifth Dentist >Title: Tell me oh great > >and wondrous Oracle....one whose teeth never yellow, and who never loses >baggage at the airport...tell this humble servant this.... > >If 4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident for their patients who chew gum, what >does the 5th dentist recommend? You didn't grovel enough. But I will answer your question, anyway, because I am wise and benevolent, and I get to tell you what you owe me when I'm done. The fifth dentist does not actually exist. You've heard the colloquialism, "There is only one woman, who has many faces"? Well, whether that's true or not (I'd say, no, it isn't. And I'd know. I'm the Oracle. Vie la difference!) it applies to dentists. There are only four of them in existence. Ever been to a dentist convention? They're *real* boring. The fifth dentist isn't exactly a dentist, really. Since there are only four real dentists, the fifth one waits 'behind the scenes' for one of the four to croak or resign, kinda like the Supreme Court of the US. Some of the more infamous Fifth Dentists actually helped realize the mortality of one or another of the Four Dentists of the time... Plotting murder! Just so one can anesthetize a person's oral cavity and drill out rotten teeth! Imagine! So, to answer your question: It really doesn't matter what the Fifth Dentist thinks. They're jerks, anyway. I hope that answers your question, but it really doesn't matter if it didn't. I'm the Oracle. Nyah. You owe the Oracle a case of Listerine Cool Mint. But be sure and buy some for yourself. Please. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00229) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 13:29:06 P 08/23/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: ORACLE What is that substance that grows in my belly button? I casuses me great discomfort and social embarassment. I come to you because I have heard of your wisdom from many across this land. I humbly offer any of my earthly goods for a glimpse of your wisdom. Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Oh most humble of supplicants... >What is that substance that grows in my belly button? I casuses me great >discomfort and social embarassment. I am not really sure if I should reveal this matter to you as it has grave, nay, COSMIC priciples behind it. Oh... what the heck. If you'll study a book of cosmology, you will find that scientists, such as they are, since they will never reach the level of knowledge that I possess, have tried to add up the sum of the mass of the universe. This way they'll know wheter the universe is expanding forever or just having a gass attack and will shrink back down. What they don't realize is that the universe is really heading to Toledo and thinking of the hot babe he's going to meet there and... Oops, sorry, got distracted. That's kind of easy when you are an omniscient being. Anyways, these so called scientists have discovered that the universe doesn't add up. There are pieces missing. They're not sure where those pieces are, or even what they're made of. Theory says that the 'missing mass' could be anti matter. They are wrong. The missing mass is lint. Whether it be carpet lint, sock dryer lint, or in your case belly button lint. This lint gets transported to its location by strange cosmic forces which will require another answer at a later time. I have to answer this question that just popped in on red fire ants, Everclear, and Kumquats. So... Enjoy your answer. You owe the Oracle a cup of neutrinos and a bottle of yellow gluons. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00262) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 13:32:40 P 08/23/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me Is there a Dark Side of the moon? Really? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: YOU... INSOLENT MORTAL! YOU DARE DOUBT THE POWER OF PINK FLOYD?! I shall blast thee from on high with lightnings upon thy head! I shall send sea-gulls to make a great mess of your car, and they shall squawk quite noisily in the night, thereby destroying any chance of your sleeping! I've personally been waiting for Roger Waters to die, because I conned god into lending him to me for a special performance! Of COURSE there's a Dark Side of the Moon! I have the lyric sheets right here! Wanna see? Huh? You owe the Oracle: A copy of DSOTM, a plunger, and a shovel. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00248) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 13:34:57 P 08/23/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Dear Oracle, please tell me this: Reply : Yes!! Please reply! Oh great and almighty Oracle, wisdom of the gods, everliving and everlasting power of the years gone by. I the insignificant human that stops to bother your existance at excatly 9:30 at night, when I know you have probably much more inportant things to do than answer the questions of a pitiful computer nerd priest who now sits at the keyboard munching doritos and typing this messege to you, that will probably never reach you divine ears ask for a answer to this truly godawfully rediclious question. Who in the HELL is MR. CRINKLE??????? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: An interesting question... By Mr. Crinkle, I'd assume you mean the person or persons of the similar name in a tasteful little ditty by Primus. As I know all men and women, I know Mr. Crinkle. Allow me to elaborate. Mr. Crinkle is a "jack-of-all-trades" as you mortals put it. He has been a used car salesperson, a real estate salesperson, a new car salesperson... hmmm... perhaps his resume isn't as wide as I had first thought. Being you a pathetic mortal, however, you have no choice but to forgive me. His more interesting job was that of a quantum physicist. Looking for the answers of the universe... that's what Dr. Crinkle was trying to do. Let me tell you something... and for that matter, everyone something! You know what it all means? Huh? Huh? I knew you didn't. I do! Oh yes, I do! It's all about Ronzoni brand pasta! You know why? Huh? Huh? I knew you didn't. And you know what? I can't tell you! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! <