The following scroll contains messages which are considered to be the best of the most recent WWIVnet Oracle responses, as judged by the Seers of the Oracle. For more information on using the Oracle, write to ORACLE@4079 and put the word "HELP" in the title of the message. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00239) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 23:35:51 P 09/03/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me... If music soothes the savage beast, what makes it savage in the first place? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Hmmm, well... Well, beasts are often made savage by music as well, believe it or not. Have you heard any of that junk made recently known as RAP and HEAVY METAL!?!? It's enough to drive anyone to the point of ripping the spleen out of a fellow biological entity. Take for instance this dragon that won't let me leave (I never did catch his name). You see, this dragon hasn't always guarded me like this. He was once a friendly playful thing, but then he was brainwashed by you foolish mortals. Well, he WAS a foolish mortal human back then, but that's a different story. The point is, it's irritating. Of course music isn't the only thing that makes them savage. The other thing is a form of fungus, similar to athlete's foot, which infects certain exposed parts of animals. It doesn't itch or hurt, at least not noticably. Subconciously however, it subverts their brain into primitive and aggressive behaviour. An example in humans would be Heavy Metal musicians, used car salesmen, and politicians, not to mention lawyers. You owe the Oracle a guitar, a flute, a drum, and a piano so that he may soothe the dragon into falling asleep so he can go get a bite to eat before answering any more of these rediculous questions because so far he's had to do them on an empty stomach which makes him extremely irritable and gives him a trigger-happy inclination towards (ZOT!>ing people which of course ruins the economy since at this rate there will be no one left to ask these silly questions. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00244) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 23:39:56 P 09/03/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me what I must know!!! [Regarding]: Well, I can see how that would be . . . [MsgStatus]: Please Reply. Oh great and hoopy Oracle, I throw myself at you feet for my tiny little brain is but a pittance and not worthy of you. I flounder about maddeningly as I beg that you give me the answer to the question that I present before your froodness. Do you think it would be a good idea for me to ask my one and only true love to marry me? If so, how? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: ahh yes You pitiful humans are into that love thing aren't you?? Well, i would not suggest getting into a relationship with another human. Our past experience in my home world showed that it was desaterous!!! Can you beleive that people used to get in wars over the one they loved? What a shame. But, if you do desire to love someone then go for it. If you both love each other then there is absolutely no problem with marring that loved one. Who cares if your parents don't agree? Who cares if someone objects, that's what nuclear plasma transfer's are for. How you should do it, you ask. Well, now. There are several ways to ask a person to marry you. You could offer the loved one a small planet, you could offer her a chapter in your will, you could tell her that you won 10 million dollars (or you will as soon as you send in the enclosed reply within 30 days..), or you could go for the more realistic aproach. You could go to a movie and stay till after the credits and when everyone left and go up in front of the screen and tip the manager to show some wedding chappel on the screen and ask the person to marry you. You should surprise the person. Unless you want it to be romantic. Or... you could say something like "Honey, let's go camping in the mountians in a small log cabin and have a little fun over the weekend. Oh and we could also get some country church wedding!" That'll get their attention. or if s/he works in McDonalds or something say "Hi, baby you doing ok? Good. Hmmmm give me a Big Mac and a large pepsi and your everlasting love!" Or you could do that in the drive through also. If you don't want to surprise her, then try the romantic approach. When you are deep in love one night... after having some fun say I love you and they'll say i love you and then you say "Marry me!!!!!" and s/he'll either say "YES!!!" or just stop suddenly and think about it for a minute while fixing some coffee. If that happens, you may be in trouble. Just use your pitiful imigination and come up with something. Play with her interests and come up with something that s/he can't refuse. But don't offer s/he anything so large that when s/he says yes you don't know if s/he really loves you or she want's that new car. The Oracle requires you to send a fancy Wedding Invitation. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00253) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 23:40:05 P 09/03/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me.. ok? Greetings all powerful Oracle type deity thing! May I ask you a question? Thanx.. My question is this: Y doo some d00ds tipe liek dis? U r a k00l d00d! Thus spake the Oracle: Title: . Why must you humans always bother me with such mundane queries? i am the Oracle: i know everything... But i guess that's of little importance to you and the only way to appease you will be to answer your question. Language such as "I m a d00d! u r not!" is commonly referred to as "d00d" or "k-rad" (it is also known as "k-rad k000l" in Topeka Kansas and its bordering suburbs). Like most languages it evolved from an earlier similar language, which also happened to be, believe it or not, the roots of modern English. The two went their seperate ways in the evolutionary process (they parted nearly 7 thousand years ago) and are today virtually imcompatible (have you ever actually tried to translate a message written in "d00d"?) Today, "d00d" is diminishing in popularity due to the fact that most, if not all, reputable humans use modern English, and its vernacular counterpart. Those who choose to use "d00d" are scorned, mocked and are made social outcasts, and this too has helped the trend. Because however, of rebellious 13 year old modemers who enjoy upseting the masses, the language will never die out completely. You owe the Oracle a "k-rad"/English dictionary. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00270) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 23:41:15 P 09/03/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me o wise oracle-type dude... If it is impossible for the human to reach the speed of light, is it possible for a human to reach the speed of Yugo? Oscar "I hope it gets thru this time, sorry..." Thus spake the Oracle: Title: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I have meditated, and am ready to answer. It is possible to go Yugo, maybe faster. All one must do, if you so desire, Is climb up a ladder, higher, NO! Higher! A weight would help, but is not necessary, Just leap off the ladder, You'll feel like a fairy. Flying and souring, tumbling down, You'll reach Yugo, just before the ground. Most people only reach Yugo once, And those that survive are left as a dunce. You owe the Oracle an Encyclopedia of rhyming words, and the complete collection of the Works of Robert Frost... ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00267) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 23:41:53 P 09/03/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me why cockroaches die on the backs. O great Oracle, I am a slave to your infinite and diverse knowledge! O hail great Oracle, master of all, God to all things known and known. Tell me why, when cockroaches die, they are always found on their backs? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Ok. (RA)NDOM (ST)UPID (A)NSWER (RASTA) Program v1.01b ENTER QUESTION : Why are dead cockroaches always found on their backs? CREATING STUPID ANSWER... ANSWER : FIVE TONS OF FLAX! RASTA Run Complete ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00268) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 23:43:06 P 09/03/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell Me oh wise one.... [Message Status] þ No Reply Wanted. [ÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄùùùúú ú ú "BoM" ] Oh Oracle, you are the only reason i live, without you i will truley die a thousand deaths! Please almighty one, tell me, Why does it rain? I must know this, please let me tap into your vast knowlege and gain a little more knowlege... please mighty one... [ÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄùùùúú ú ú "EoM" ] Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Why Must It Rain??? Reply : Requested Mortal you ask the question of rain, I would not normally answer such petty questions. Except the way you approached me truly lets me know that you are without knowledge and need some guidance form my mighty self... For this reason I will grant you this knowledge. The reason that rain falls from the sky when the sun is hidden, is really very simple.. I has to do with the fact that male frogs call out all night to the God of rain, to request the wet stuff, so that they may use it to swim in.. They need to swim 10 miles before they will impress a female frog and then mate. This sounds silly to you humans but consider what the male of your species has to do, to just get a date.. With this thought in mind would it not be easier to just call for the rain??? For this information that I have granted you, you will be required to Kiss a frog three times and repeat these words between kisses " Frogs are the reason that the rain falls " Now be gone, my greatness has to go play a round of golf with the God of Fire... ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00265) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 23:43:50 P 09/03/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me tell me please Reply : Requested Why do I never receive any anwsers or questions from you. Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Why I never answer The reason I never answer you is a simple concept dealing with inter- molecular quantum physics. Not that you know it, you must learn it first! Then ask me that question again. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00275) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 23:47:29 P 09/03/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh Oracle, Tell me what I need to know Why would anyone in their right mind eat SPAM?!?!? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: a person eating SPAM?? You got to be kidding me. You things eat spam?? Don't you know what spam really is?? It's a mixture of Duraliumese Brains... oh, nothing. what you don't know won't hurt you. But, i will tell you this: Eating too much of spam will make you have serious dirrerhea, and you could possibly explode. See, as the human body injests the spam, it lines the inner stomach with it, coating it soo slick that your other injested food just slipps right into the small intestine without ever being processed by the stomach. eventually, if you eat enough, spam will coat the entire lining of the human digestive track. what does this mean? Well, let's say you were really hungary, so hungary you could eat a horse. (that is the right expression, right?) What if you actually did eat the horse. You could just pop him in, still alive, and a few seconds later he would come right back out by just slipping through your body unharmed. of course, you would be a little damaged, your lover will not want to sleep with you anymore, you would have to go to the doctor as well: You: Doctor, Doctor, i just ate a horse! Doctor: Well, you. that is very nice. a horse is very nutritinous, you see.... You: But, doctor, now i got a big gapping hole in my butt. Doctor: Let me take a look... Oh my god!! What crawled up your butt and died?? You: Nothing, i just ate a horse. Doctor: You've been eating that spam again, haven't you?? You: Yes sir... Doctor: Let me look inside. Say ahhhh The doctor sticks his hand down your throat and it comes out you know where. Many people like this phenomena, why i dont' know. that is why some people eat spam. The Oracle requires you to go to the doctor every day. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00273) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 23:49:02 P 09/03/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me, tell me, I want to know... What it is needs no rain to grow. What is a story that has no end? What weeps no tears though it's weeping within? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: I answer your feeble requests You must grovel more! Remember, I am the ONLY one that will answer all your questions, and I deserve your respect! However, because I am a forgiving Oracle, I will answer your questions. What needs no rain to grow? I'm sure you believe that there is nothing that can grow without the life giving properties of rain. Perhaps you thought I was going to say that only "Ideas" don't need rain. YOU'RE WRONG! (Once again). It is only the mighty line of products from the "Clapper" people that need no rain to grow....I am speaking of course of the all mighty "Chia Pet", "Chia Tree", "Chia Dog", "Chia Computer", "Chia hat", "Ch...." wait a second. Where did those last few come from? Oh well. A story that has no end? You stupid human. Everybody knows the answer is "The Never Ending Story". What shows no tears on the outside but cries on the outside? Hmmm... That's a tough one. I'd have to say "Arsenio Hall" because he knows that even Conan O'Brian will get more ratings than him once his show comes on the air. For all this wisdom you owe the oracle: That old lady from the Clapper commercial's Head on a platter! ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved.