The following scroll contains messages which are considered to be the best of the most recent WWIVnet Oracle responses, as judged by the Seers of the Oracle. For more information on using the Oracle, write to ORACLE@4079 and put the word "HELP" in the title of the message. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00289) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 21:42:17 P 09/08/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me oh Great Oracle Where is the Time Bank? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Well my humble supplicant... Well well well... You have asked an extremely interesting question, as no mortal has ever beheld the time bank before. In fact, I must wonder where you even learned of it's existence. Me? I told you? No, I think not. And I, the great Oracle, never forget. The Time Bank is located in the coreward quadrant of the seventeenth level of the ethereal plane of existence. I do not wish to be any more specific than that, as the Time Lord get on my back for a few centuries.. AGAIN! I really hate it when that happens. I mean geezz... You tell a few puny mortals how to live longer by stealing a few years from the time bank, and the Time Lord gets all upset! Now I'd understand if he got angry if someone stole an eternity from him, so that they may become immortal, but that never really works well anyway. Now what may I ask is the reason you want to access the Time Bank? To get more time on BBS's perhaps? That way you could talk to me even more! (oh boy! more presents!) You owe the Oracle two decades. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00294) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 16:14:33 P 09/09/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: oh please tell me How come, I have to go back to school? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Well mortal... You see, school is not exactly what it seems. One thing though- I'm having a difficult time deciding whether to be thoughtful and clear, or to be vague and ambiguous, simply because you forgot to GROVEL!!! Ok, I will say this... School is an attempt by the leaders to take the last step towards global domination. And who are these "leaders" you ask? Why they're the politicians, religious leaders, and car salesmen, dummy! What can you do to protect yourself? Very little. But whatever you do, do NOT drop out of school. It will draw attention to you, and you will be gunned down in the night under suspicion of suspecting the plot. Understand? Good. Now, one thing you must be prepared for is the TEACHERS. Some are legit, and truly want to help educate the students. Others have been taken over, and you must be able to find the warning signs. Here are some things those techers might say, and what they really mean: Stay after class: You are doomed to an afterlife in hell. Detention! Interrogation! Quiet! In a few minutes an armed squad of trained ducks is going to break in and shoot you all, but if you're too noisy they'll get confused and not shoot straight. Gimme your homework: Your papers please, so that I may lie and tell you they are not in order, then we can haul you off to be shot. Write 100 times on the chalkboard I don't care what you write, just get up there and face the wall so we have a clear shot in the back if we decide to shoot you. As you can see, the conspiracy goes much deeper than most of you petty mortals realize. Have fun.... You owe the Oracle a textbook with the pages torn out. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00295) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 22:17:19 P 09/11/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Re: O omniscient ORACLE, tell me the answer to this: Regarding: O omniscient ORACLE, tell me the answer to this: O Great Oracle of minds and might... The one who is beneath the below, above the below, and purple, canst thou answerest mest a questionest? Herest ises thine questionests -Girls. (yup! Those... things that men can never understand... Can't live with 'em... can't have sex and reproduce without em... and cain't strike up an argument over which autoroute to take) Why is it EVERY time A Man asks a Girl for a date, they must ALWAYS hold the upper hand? Are they all haughty? Oh have they just drank a gallon of 'pepto bismol?' Everytime I ask a girl to dance, out, or the like, they always asnwer me with a 'uuuuuuuuuuuh, I dunno'.... More words of wisdom from X Thus spake the Oracle: Title: well... Well, first, you've picked the wrong Oracle to answer the question. You see, Oracles have gender too, and I just happend to be a female one. Allright, lets see. Let me call up your account on my problem-o-matic 2000 computer... Quasimodo? no... Igor? no, that's wrong.. AH, yes, here you are... Well, THERE's your problem, that squid that's been living on your head had been making rude telepathic comments to all the girls you find attrictive. You see, the only way that squid can be removed is for a girl to kiss it's host. But the squids have developed a kind of telepathy. They read your physical desires, and when your brain says "Hey, pretty girl!", it automaticlly sends rude telepathic messages to that girl. Naturally, she assumes that you are sending the messages, and the squid is only visible in ultraviolet light, and she immedialy is turned off. Now, what you need to do figure out when the squid sleeps. (They nap for about an hour every week or so) and immedialty seek out the first girl who strikes you as attractive. Ask her for a date, and make it for whenever the squid sleeps. Before your date, eat a lot of calamiri. The squid will go into shock and be unconcious for six to eight hours. It is essintial that you get the girl to kiss you on the lips. Even if it is just a peck, it should work. you owe the Oracle one italian dinner, and an ultraviolet light. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00279) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 22:20:01 P 09/11/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oracle Tell me Reply : Requested Oracle tell me. ---------- If this were an actual tagline, it would be funny. ---------- Thus spake the Oracle: Title: The Oracle is speaking.... Reply : Not needed ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ===ð YOU SAID ð===ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ---------- If this were an actual tagline, it would be funny. ---------- ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ===ð I SAID ð===ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Well mortal one I see that you are trying to make a statement about humor. In my wisdom I have deemed it a noble endeavor. This is the Dictionarys definitions of Funny..... One which makes one laugh, a funny story..... Well as you can see the book is lacking in luster. If it had been writen for me by one of the worthy, it would have read something like this.. Funny.... The ability to make one break down in tears from of moment of mirth, examples would be as follows 1. An old lady beating up a mugger using a house cat by the tail. 2. Rolls Royce on the side of the road with there hoods up. 3. The IRS paying you back for there mistakes.. 4. A drunk urinating on an electric fence. Well as to your question I will tell you that a tag line is something sacred and must be used only for the good of others. So in your attempt to defile this sacred piece of work I will have to punish you... You will find that in a few days your armpit hairs will begin to grow and no matter how often you cut them they will reach your knees. You will begin to notice that you will have the urge to purchase velvet art, you will be unable to resist. If you continue to desecrate tag lines I will make the punishments worse.. The Oracle has spoken...... P.S. have a nice day!!!!! ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00307) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 09:54:43 A 09/17/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me.. Tell me WHo will win the Talk Show wars? I hoping for Letterman , please help. Thus spake the Oracle: Title: .... Oh, poor poor supplicant. You should have realized that only I, the great and wonderful Oracle, could possibly win the talk-show war. You didn't know that I had my own talk-show, did you? That's because it's on the "Deity Channel", mortals can't build decoders for divinely scrambled signals! Anyway, on the Deity Channel I have this show for my fellow deities, and we interview various greek heros, angels, demons, and sub-deities. Some of the topics that come up are very interesting, including the value of human life (personally I wouldn't give 1000 quatloos for one puny human, but some think you people are worth about 5000 each.. Some deities have all the money to waste). We also tend to discuss all sorts of things about the universe that you wouldn't understand. For instance, we're trying to figure out whose fault it is that black holes exist. The darned things keep sucking everything up! Everyone is convinced that there is a big cover-up and a conspiracy involved, but we have yet to prove it. Put it this way, if any particular talk-show host starts getting too popular, I'll 'm on the air... Or better yet, maybe I'll transmit the guy THROUGH the air to some poor unsuspecting fool's house!! Hahahaha!! (I don't like to lose). You owe the Oracle a prime-time slot and a new microphone. Oracle. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00287) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 09:55:04 A 09/17/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Re: O omniscient ORACLE, tell me the answer to this: Why, O mighty One, when I call my local BBS to download all the latest CD-ROM shareware is that BBS *ALWAYS* busy on all 8 lines? Have I done something to offend the great modem gods? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Hmmmmmmm.... Ineed you have, foolish supplicant. One thing you should always remember is that the modem gods ALWAYS take the side of the sysop. And sysops often get irritated when people download dozens of megs of software all at once without uploading much. I'm sure you know what I mean. The fact that you can do it quickly with that high-speed modem soothes the sysop in the sense that it doesn't tie up the board for too many hours, but usually you mortals use the high-speed to download more, thus not decreasing the time at all... No, you have to abuse your power and leech as much as possible! Now why are the modem gods angry with you? Perhaps that 500 meg download you did last month (all month!! Bad line quality hurts) had something to do with it. Most sysops don't like having the phone line tied up by one call for a whole month. If I were you, I would simply the fool who runs the board for having such a bad line... But alas, I am not you, and you are not me (thank the gods) and so you can not anyone at all... Awww... such a shame... I happen to know also that your next phone bill is going to send you to bankruptcy, since that one-month download was long distance.. Bet you forgot! Why else would you have stuck it out for a month?!? Unless you're an utter moron, but that can't be since you know how to spell "modm" and "compooter", and you know what a CD-ROM is, instead of calling it a "big shiny circle".. You owe the Oracle a 16 gigabaud modem. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00304) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 09:57:00 A 09/17/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh wise one, please tell me why it is........ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³Reply? ³ ÄÍ A Reply would enlighten my life! ÍÄ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ...that manatees do nothing but eat grass and get hit by boats? Why do they not swim deeper when they hear a boat? Why are they so stupid? I ask you this for I have pondered these questions for many months and have still not figured out how a supreme being could create a creature as dumb as dirt. It is my hope that, through your vast knowledge and infinite wisdom, you may shed some light on this dilemma of mine. Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Re: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000304) Regarding: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000304) The reason my friend, is that the humming of a motor boat, is the exact same, as the mating call of the female Manitee. Manitee's are actually very smart. They are in no way stupid. They were created about the same time as the motor boat. For some reason when I created them, I forgot to give them a mating call. Suprisingly, they were so smart, that they mocked the sound of the motor boat as their mating call. (Hey, just think what would have happened if they would have picked up the HEEEELP! That someone cries while drowning) The problem is that now, Manitees (Smart, but not THAT smart) cannot distinguish the difference between a female Manitee calling and a motor boat roaring. Many have asked why female manitees sometimes also get, "chopped" the reason being, that Manitees have a Large gay & lesbian population. Anyways, I hope to have this Manitee "slicing" problem resolved soon (within one or two millenium). However, thank you for asking this question, for I forgot about the Manitees. Your question reminded me, and as I said earlier, my comitee is now working on it, and should have the problem resolved soon. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved.