The following scroll contains messages which are considered to be the best of the most recent WWIVnet Oracle responses, as judged by the Seers of the Oracle. For more information on using the Oracle, write to ORACLE@4079 and put the word "HELP" in the title of the message. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00297) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 13:36:45 P 09/19/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me, k? Hello O wise and great Oracle of Oracles! Tell me. Who is the most interesting person/thing/entity to come to you for advice? And what was his/her/its deepest darkest secret!?!?!? Please tell me O great one! Thus spake the Oracle: Title: ok... Well, like, Here's the word hummingbird. THE most phycicly connected person to ever beg to enter my presence would have to be Maryln Monroe. You may say "She's been dead a while, hasn't she?" Oh to the contrare! She's alive and well, keeping fit in the burbs of Cleveland. She's had a few afairs sence her public death, but 'cause she can always use blackmail no one's ever revealed her, except the Inquirer, which many people don't believe anyway. But I can see through all that junk and get to the real scoop in the sloop of the Tabloids. Anyway, back to the story. Well, she decided one day, after breaking of her "special friendship" shall we say, to Stevy Wonder, that she'd drop me a line and beg to be givin a piece of my eternal greatness. After I told her the secret to eternal youth, we chatted awhile, and I really got the sence that at first she was upset at all the publicity and scandle after her death, but now she's lived a little, seen a few therapist, had a few minor operations and now she just takes everything in stride. You owe the Oracle a life-long perscription to the Evening Star... ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00306) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 13:37:24 P 09/19/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Re: O omniscient ORACLE, tell me the answer to this: Regarding: O omniscient ORACLE, tell me the answer to this: Posted By: The Destroyer #91 @15498 [Commodore] Oh great all knowing Oracle! May I ask thee wise one a quesion. What is +2+1/2*2/2*2*5-10-5-3-1-.5-.5? I have just won the lottery but cannot collect my prize with out answering this question. Please tell me the answer with the mathimatical Wiz Boom Bang formual! Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Yeah Your answer is X ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00301) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 13:38:01 P 09/19/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me Oh great Oracle, may your roof never leak Or your lettuce and your celery wilt May your shoes never, ever go squeak Or a wrinkle develop in your best kilt As you can see, my problem is plain I'm under an evil spell, a hex, a curse Whenever a speak, all that comes into my brain is bad poetry, or really bad verse Now, I have nothing against poems under normal conditions, but I am going quite mad And everyone who hears me sends be back ho-me I implore you to help me, or else I'll be sad I'd give just about anything, an arm and a leg to be realeased from this horrible spell I'll grovel, I'll scream, I'll cry and I'll beg Just to be freed from this poetry hell. Thus spake the Oracle: Title: The Oracle Replies... Your plight is plain and if there is one thing I disdain it is to see you poor humans in pain. To solve your problem, perhaps you should be slain! Though that may seem too be a wee bit extreme the world will know what I mean when I say: To The Top, Shall rise none but the cream. Your situation is dire and your plea for help can go no higher. Your Curse of Bad Verse shall no longer you tire. And if you so wish, The author of this Curse of Bad Verse shall burn with hell's fire. You owe the Oracle a book of Vogon Poetry. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00300) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 13:38:29 P 09/19/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me Oh great Oracle, may your roof never leak Or your lettuce and your celery wilt May your shoes never, ever go squeak Or a wrinkle develop in your best kilt As you can see, my problem is plain I'm under an evil spell, a hex, a curse Whenever a speak, all that comes into my brain is bad poetry, or really bad verse Now, I have nothing against poems under normal conditions, but I am going quite mad And everyone who hears me sends be back ho-me I implore you to help me, or else I'll be sad I'd give just about anything, an arm and a leg to be realeased from this horrible spell I'll grovel, I'll scream, I'll cry and I'll beg Just to be freed from this poetry hell. Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Re: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000300) Regarding: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000300) To be or not to be, That is the "F" Not hearing one's own words... One has to be deaf. The man in the moon Sang from above, "I am the man from the moon And I have a green glove" To keep people from going politically insane, Just make sure you are plain, but not to mudane. So that is life Take it or go I am an ally and freind and never a foe. Poetry is nice, When used with an orange because it smeels bad. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00299) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 13:40:05 P 09/19/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me Oh great Oracle, may your roof never leak Or your lettuce and your celery wilt May your shoes never, ever go squeak Or a wrinkle develop in your best kilt As you can see, my problem is plain I'm under an evil spell, a hex, a curse Whenever a speak, all that comes into my brain is bad poetry, or really bad verse Now, I have nothing against poems under normal conditions, but I am going quite mad And everyone who hears me sends be back ho-me I implore you to help me, or else I'll be sad I'd give just about anything, an arm and a leg to be realeased from this horrible spell I'll grovel, I'll scream, I'll cry and I'll beg Just to be freed from this poetry hell. Thus spake the Oracle: Title: My my... Well my poor supplicant, you have some trouble. Perhaps I can help, and on the double. While I may be rhyming too, as you can see, I am not watching my meter, which can help thee. Do as I do, drop the crap little by little, And soon you will be cured through to the middle. It may be hard to do, but as you will see, It will help you, and it will help me. Go now troubled soul, and ask me not again, For I tire of this rhyming nonsense, and wish it were dead. You owe the Oracle a book on rhyme, and a device for altering time. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00300) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 13:40:05 P 09/19/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me Oh great Oracle, may your roof never leak Or your lettuce and your celery wilt May your shoes never, ever go squeak Or a wrinkle develop in your best kilt As you can see, my problem is plain I'm under an evil spell, a hex, a curse Whenever a speak, all that comes into my brain is bad poetry, or really bad verse Now, I have nothing against poems under normal conditions, but I am going quite mad And everyone who hears me sends be back ho-me I implore you to help me, or else I'll be sad I'd give just about anything, an arm and a leg to be realeased from this horrible spell I'll grovel, I'll scream, I'll cry and I'll beg Just to be freed from this poetry hell. Thus spake the Oracle: Title: My my, poor supplicant... Well simple supplicant, I'll answer again to you. You should have tried my cure before turning blue. I shall explain to you the truth, as always I did, Never in a million years, should you taken the lowest bid. You made a mistake, you listened not to me, So now you are stuck, rhyming to eternity. Try again, as I explained before, Lose the meter, and then the rhyming ignore. Please don't ask of rhyme again to this old man, For he tires of poetry, and you interrupted his tan. I leave you now, and am heading back to the beach, So please do not this Oracle beseech.. You owe the Oracle a trip to mars and a big garage for twenty cars. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00291) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 13:45:04 P 09/19/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: oh wise and wonderful oracle, please tell me this: Oh, great oracle, could you please impart some of your wisdom upon me, a mere mortal begging for your assistance? The question I would have answered by your immenseness is this: Why do I always get a tingly sensation when I am walking through the house in the wintertime. To aid in any thought processes you have (even though I know you know all), this usually results in a popping sensation in my fingers when I attempt to leave my house. Any answer aiding in the solution to this quirk will be greatly appreciated, and will be held in upmost respect and forever revered. Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Ok My dear child, the answer to your problem is this.......: Many years ago, the Earth was dominated by Sorcerer's...THere was one main one thought, named Alabaster......Now, Alabaster was a good Sorcerer, but occasionally he dabbled in the dark arts....One day, he was trying to call a demon servant, when instead, he got the Frugal (gasp, even i can't say the full name without getting pain in my sapphire) Aroebus Chikaluda Eerie Llama Italaski Firtres Telfar monster....Ooh,, that hurts....Anyway, the monster, abbr. as FACELIFT, tried to take over the world, using magic of ice.....He invented winter...... Now it came to pass that Facelift liked to jump throught time, and went in to three houses in the year 1985....And set a curse...You must be living in one.....The Tingling, is the passage of Facelift, and the popping, is the sound of you stepping on the wand that is the avatar of the curse...So get down on your hands and knees, put your fu=inger on your forehead and chant: Fru Aro Chi Eer Lla Ita Fir Tel begone, you stupid arrogant un wholesome monster!!!!" And your problems will be over..... ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00296) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 14:48:48 P 09/26/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Yo Oracle, tell me somethin' ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³Reply? ³ ÄÍ Reply Requested ÍÄ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Why do sales people always call while I'm eating dinner, is it a conspiracy against me? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000296) Actually, dear supplicant, it's not a conspiracy against you. It's a conspiracy *for* you. In this modern world, every person has about fourteen or fifteen various agencies keeping an eye on their every move. One of them, as you can tell, is very concerned about you. Whenever their infrared cameras detect that your dinner is too hot--hot enough to injure you--they have a "salesman" call to stall you long enough for the food to cool down. They really go out of their way for you. Turning lights red to protect you from reckless drivers, etc. I mean, remember that cold you got a few months back on the day you were going to visit the World Trade Center? You owe the Oracle a videotape of you bungee jumping in metro Miami and driving away in a rental car. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00310) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 14:51:22 P 09/26/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: RESPONSE TO: O omniscient ORACLE, tell me the answer t ³°±²ÛMîSS’Gî ST’TUSÛ²±°³ ¯¯ÄÄį RîPœ W’NTîD. Why is life such a pain?? /////Lynx\\\\\ ^^^^ Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Life is a Cabaret, old chum! As my Uncle Olaf used to say, "If it hurts, ya ain't doing something right! Now get that nail outta yer foot and into the floor like I told ya." And don't come cryin to me about pain. Why, when I was your age, I would have to get up at 6am, so's I could walk 500 miles (and I would walk five hundred more, just to be the...oh. sorry.) to school, uphill, in 5 feet of snow, barefoot, wearin' only a potato sack and a pine branch! And I had to be there at 6:30 in the mornin'! And we liked it! Pain. Hah. Sonny, life ain't a pain until you've had to go to school from 6:30 in the morning, to midnight, and you were supposed to be at work at noon, so you could lick the streets clean. And that wasn't just your job! That was how you got your food! And we LOVED it. And we had to live in a hole in the ground. Actually, it wasn't a hole in the ground, it was the outhouse of some rich guy who lived up the hill. 35 of us in one hole, 10 feet deep and a foot across. But we were a family, so we loved it. You owe The Oracle a lifetime stay at Sunnybrook retirement home for the criminally deranged and a subscription to "Grumps 'r' Us" catalog. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved.