The following scroll contains messages which are considered to be the best of the most recent WWIVnet Oracle responses, as judged by the Seers of the Oracle. For more information on using the Oracle, write to ORACLE@4079 and put the word "HELP" in the title of the message. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00313) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 14:53:12 P 09/26/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me, oh wise Oracle... Hey, bum! What's up?? Yeah, it's me again...I guess I just have so little of a life that I come to you for company. Well, I will make your time worthwhile now that I'm here. Hmmmm....got any answers you want to tell me to questions I haven't asked? No...I'm just joking. Oh, I bet you'll have to do some research for this one: What in HELL is Grimace (from McDonaldland) supposed to be??!! Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Reply to (EORA000313) No research required, loathesome impudent. Grimace is a grimean, from the planet Grime. He represents the bathroom clean-ups required at your local McDonald's fine-food establishment. Love those Chicken McLugnuts! And how 'bout an Egg McNothin'! ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00321) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 17:24:52 P 09/30/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me, for I wish to gain knowlage... Why does the sun rise in the West and set in the East, Like a humoungous, monotonous beast? Will it ever break this cycle of ages? Will the history right something NEW on it's pages? Tell me, will Appolo ride out of the West. And leave to the east, THERE to rest? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: An Oracle question in verse? This itself is a horrible curse Because to rhyme, you see Is a chore for me And is resoundingly like Dr. Seuss. Now I may have the answer you seek But I may not be able to speak The truth in this rhyme Because I haven't the time Ask me again in a week. No. I lie, my questioning child. The answer is reasonably mild. But your spelling's appalling And punctuation is galling So I will make the answer quite wild. Your question is technically flawed. And frankly it leaves us quite awed. Your first line is at fault So the answer is naught. And this line is lacking a rhyme. ---------- You owe The Oracle a copy of Dr. Seuss' "One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish" and a Funk & Wagnall's Dictionary. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00302) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 17:24:55 P 09/30/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me, tell me, oh tell me true! What will happen when Miss Piggy and Kermit have babies? Miss. Piggy said they'll have Frigs, and Kermit only laughed. Should this marrage be allowed to continue due to the emotional effects it would have on the physically abnormal muppets? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Interesting... You know... just today I was watching Sally Jesse Raphael and her topic happened to be biracial children. Too bad the show's not live. This would have been a fascinating question to call in with. Hmmm. Frankly, I don't see why the marriage couldn't happen, except Kermit doesn't really seem to like her. The possibility for divorce is pretty high, so even if they were to marry, any resulting offspring--frigs, pogs, or otherwise--would eventually find themselves in a broken home. Kind of like the kids in Korea and Viet Nam, fathered by American soldiers who left, and ostracized by their community. See, fortunately, they're not REALLY married. That was just a scene in the movie. That wasn't a real priest. Actually, we have word from a reliable source that Ms. Piggy has been seen recently in the company of Orson J. Pig, from Garfield & Friends/U.S. Acres. Thanks for your question and have a REALLY spiffy day. --------- You owe The Oracle a subscription to Sesame Street Magazine, and the CD version of "It ain't easy being green." ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00315) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 17:25:00 P 09/30/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Re: O omniscient ORACLE, tell me the answer to this: O mighty Oracle, whose connection unto destiny and the very future is always error free, answer me please this question. Why is it that when I'm doing something utterly trivial, like playing an online game, I have a smooth connection, but when I'm writing e-mail to a dear friend or something really important, I get call-waiting beeps and line noise out the wazoo? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: ah... The "wazoo" which you speak of is more, yet also less, than you think. It is acctually an organism, a simple organism, who thrives on frustration. It's favorite pray are those who, after writing a long, detailed letter or other such important modem functions. Sometimes this cruel and unusual creature will even repeat the process several times if one is extremely impatient. This bizzare and wild creature, unlike other wildlife, cannot be observed using patience, nor can this ever-ilusive organism be trapped. Only it's behavior can be observed. The Wannannikia Hiunthium, or Wazoo, is only found in modeming habitat, and unlike other creatures it's habitat is growing daily. It breeds at an incredible rate, and, sence there is no way of controling the population except at minimal levels, it is much like the fly. You owe the oracle all the Discovery videos ever made. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00286) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 20:06:00 P 10/05/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh Wise One, Tell me...... [Message Status] þ Reply Wanted. [ÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄùùùúú ú ú "BoM" ] Please oh wise, mighty, alknowing one... Please tell me, why does the sky turn dark? I MUST tap into your vast knowlegde, and learn more that mortals, and be one set close, to immortality. You are my idle, my only reason in life to live.. please tell me oh great one. I will forever be at your mercy! [ÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄùùùúú ú ú "EoM" ] Thus spake the Oracle: Title: A brief reply Sky? Dark? Oh. The Oracle's vast sources show that you are referring to the ceiling in The Big Room. The one that changes colours. Sometimes it's greyish, sometimes it's blue-ish, sometimes the automatic sprinklers go off... and sometimes it's dark. Easy. Someone turned off the big, yellow light, and the smaller, white, security lights have to go on. --------- The Oracle requests that you look up the words "idle" and "idol" and write "The Oracle is my IDOL" 250 times. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00328) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 20:07:45 P 10/05/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Re: O omniscient ORACLE, tell me the answer to this: Regarding: O omniscient ORACLE, tell me the answer to this: Posted By: The Destroyer #91 @15498 [Commodore] Oh ever, and all knowing Oracle, please tell me. Why is it that Canada is quite a bit larger than the U.S and only has 1/10 the population? The Master Thus spake the Oracle: Title: oh.. Oh good grief... WHY most every mortal with access to the Oracle ask THAT particular question when I'm on answer duty? Scheech.. Anyway, the reason tht Canada has 1/10th the pop. of the U.S. is simple: Over 80% of the avalible living space in Canada, isn't there. Its actually in another dimension. So, you see, when someone buys a house on that land, and they move in, they disapear, never to be seen again (except occanionly at Dairy Queens in Idaho). About, well, before the dawn of man, a mad scientist from another time-space continum was expiermenting with dimensional portals. He was trying to find a way for the people from his planet (which JUST happened to look excatly like Earth) to solve the problem of over crownding. Unfortunalty, just as he was turning on his dimensional portal, a large multi dimensional wildebeest that had escaped from the local wild life preserve crashed into his lab, and into the portal. Theresulting explosion caused most of the land in Canada to become merged with the land in that dimension. It also killed 90% of the population of that planet, therby solving there overcorwding problem. After the scientist (who had been killed) had ben given a post-mordem Nobel Prize (These people were'n tvery compassionate, they were just happy that they had more room to live in) the people realized that they didn'thave enought people to repopulate the planet. The surviving leaders of the planet sent a commette to the planet that had been merged with theirs to find a way to get people to move to their dmension. Those people became real esate agents in Canada, and the rest, as they say, it history. You owe the Oracle a dimensional patch, and a road map of Canada ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00318) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 20:30:44 P 10/11/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Re: O omniscient ORACLE, tell me the answer to this: O great and wondrous Oracle of infinite wisdom and enlightenment: Regarding the current political ineptitudes and economic failures of the Democratic party, what do you are the chances of my pen running out of ink anytime soon? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: The almighty Oracle grants your answer... That, my lowley subject, all depends upon how many harassing letters you write to congress within the next 48 hours. The Oracle Has Spoken. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00335) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 10:36:13 A 10/13/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh wise Oracle please tell me why... are math teachers so stupid? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Well... Well not-so-humble supplicant, math teachers aren't actually stupid. Lemme 'splain. You see, the teachers WANT you to think they're stupid. It's a stupid method of teaching that is intended to raise your confidence level by making you feel superior to the teacher. In actuality all it accomplishes is that you get bored to tears, you hate the teacher, you fail, and the teacher gets recognized as a stupid person for even trying such a tactic. In a few years, take a walk down a back alley and look at the bums eating out of garbage cans. I assure you that some of them are math teachers from your school. You owe the Oracle a toothbrush with math stuff scrubbled all over it. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00327) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 15:42:24 P 10/18/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh wise Oracle, tell me. Oh great and powerful Oracle, who first gave the Wizard of Oz his hot air balloon, please impart upon me a small inkling of your vast knowledge of this universe and the next. Tell me, why is it that Murphy (of Murphy's Law fame) had to be such a pessimist as to burden mankind with such horrible laws of "if it can go wrong it will" ? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Silly mortal... Murphy was not a pessimist, he was.. er.. I'm not sure I should say it, but he was a 'higher being'. You see, like me he understood more about the universe than you foolish humans ever will. In fact it could be said that he knew more... uh.. I take that back... no one comes close to me. But he did understand the universe. The laws are intended to help you all to keep from getting hurt. If you expect failure, you wil not be dissappointed. Now sure, being pessimistic can CAUSE failure, but who cares? You won't be dissappointed by it! Now, compare them to the laws of physics. While the laws of physics are outdated and based off the wrong principles, it is still very good for describing the way things work, and predicting outcomes. Same goes for Space-Time relativity. And so it is with Murphy's laws. Now as to WHY everything goes wrong at the worst possible moments, well, the reason for that is that there is a large imbalance in the universe. The peanut butter to jelly ratio is biased, therefore causing a pessimistic outcome to everything. You owe the Oracle a treadmill and a peanut butter and jelly sandbitch. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved.