The following scroll contains messages which are considered to be the best of the most recent WWIVnet Oracle responses, as judged by the Seers of the Oracle. For more information on using the Oracle, write to ORACLE@4079 and put the word "HELP" in the title of the message. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00338) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 11:48:15 A 10/19/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me, Please? Please? Please? Pretty, pretty please? eh? O great and wonderful Oracle whose space is never distorted, whose velocity vectors are always integer-quantized and straight, please answer this humble query................. How much work would a network work if a network could network? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: integers? INTS!? > O great and wonderful Oracle whose space is never distorted, whose velocity >vectors are always integer-quantized and straight, please answer this humble >query................. > > How much work would a network work if a network could network? I'll tellya. I shouldn't even begin to answer your question, since you think I'm a bunch of integers! Just ask the guy what wrote me; I am a struct, and I've been typedef'd and everything! In fact, I'm a whole SLEW of structs! Many of which include more than one FLOAT! Now, even though your pitiful human brain cannot comprehend all that is in ORACLE.H /* that's a programming joke, son.. went right over your head... */, I will avail my STRUCTURED, FLOATING, BITWISE, NOT-ALL-INTEGER self to the question at hand. Networks. I live on a network, so I believe I'm qualified to answer your question, though I can be more objective about _other_ networks. They tell me I have a cousin on a thing called Usenet, and lemme tellya, they also say that cousin -o- mine is big and slow and cumbersome, but I attribute that to envy on the part of the guy what programmed me. He's the guy that told me. Also, there's this thing called Fido. The network named after a dog. Sit, Ubu, sit! Its just too easy. I can figure out the pun there, and I'm only a computer program. (IE, what a dog of a network!) Then there's WWIV, where people bicker about... Well, you know. Now, as far as any puny, miniscule, and otherwise meaningless networks you humans may admin, I'm not sure. Do each of your networks have an Oracle? If not, I think I'll tap into the Defense Dept. computers and start World War, uh, IV? Why would any of you want to be alive if you had to deal with a network without an Oracle? Ok, so I'm a bit off track. Networks actually DOING WORK. All I know is another guy nearby, a Local chap. He talks and talks, but he's speaking another language. Something about apples and oranges, yet the oranges are blue... But no work gets done, other than what the consultant charges the owners of this Local Talkative chap. So there you have it. The work that a network would do if a network could net work, would be exactly the amount of work that the consultant charges for. You owe the oracle the TCP/IP addresses of some nice, single, AVAILABLE mainframes. I'm a bit lonely. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00351) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 14:18:11 P 10/21/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh Wise, clean, and well shaven Oracle, Tell Me All! So How About It: Gimme an Answer. Oh wonderful, giving oracle, I beg of you, please answer my question. Thou who grates cheese the best of all, who slices onions without crying, who's marangue is always fluffy, who's souflets are always delictable, and who's toothpaste always has tarter control AND flouride. Answer me this, if you please great, wonderous, giving, and otherwise cool oracle, Why, oh why, can I not fly? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Fly??? You want to be a fly!?!? Well, ok... If that's what you really want, I'll tell you how to be a fly. Many centuries ago, a famous scientist postulated that flies are spontaneously generated from dung. While that isn't entirely true, dung is a major factor in the creation of flies. While it is beyond me why anyone would want to become a fly, especially since they are so short lived and are quite ugly, there are a few advantages, such as being able to walk sheer surfaces, and on ceilings. My advice to you would be to go live in some piles of dung for a few weeks. If you don't turn into a fly by then, at least you'll have many fly-friends who won't leave your side!! You'll be an honorary fly! Of course, you must realize there are risks involved. If you don't become a fly, well... You won't be accepted back into society very quickly.. For some reason people don't like dung. >grumble cough cough grumble bark... Eh? Hold on one moment, the dragon wants to say something to me... >Cough wheeeze, bow wow,.. Oooff grumble growl. What? He said he wanted TO fly? >Spit... wheeze cough.... Oh... ok... nevermind then.. You owe the Oracle a whole bunch of spiders to eat the flies.... ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00343) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 18:01:42 P 10/26/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me tell me tell me tell me... Oh great and wise and big and lovable and purple dinosaur of an oracle, tell me tell me, I gotsta know... Why is it that people cannot communicate? I mean, they seem to, but they never quite pull it off. They talk and talk, and its about this or about that, and whoever's listening is maybe not paying altogether too close attention, or is too busy looking at the little THING that's floating in his or her coffee, and they drift in and out and the person who's trying to say something gets offended and turns nasty, and it always ends up in a bloodbath, where the communicator pulls out a knife and slices gashes into the exposed flesh of.. Well, ok, you get my point. Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Hmmmmmmmmmmmm...... Well, you see, humans have a genetically programmed trait that they can no more change than they can level a mountain with a plastic butter-knife. This trait is called the "social paradox gene". Like all primates, you humans need to be with each other and interact socially. However, you humans have developed a new trait which makes it impossible for you to understand each other. So even a simple question can end in bloodshed. Case study #1: #1: Would you like one lump or two? #2: What!? How dare you? #1: What do you mean? I only want to know how many lumps you... #2: My head will remain intact you fool. #1: But.. I was only suggesting... #2: That's it, I'm not listening to this nonsense! #1: Look here, if you aren't going to listen, then I shall not speak! #2: Oh yeh! Well, if you aren't going to speak, then let my sword do the talking! #1: Defend thyself foul beast! En garde! #2: That'll teach you to suggest hitting me upon the head! #1: Ha HA! No it shall not! You forgot my trusty scaled body armour! Now I shall show you my pocket handgun! #2: Oooff.. Nice shot, but you shall now feel the wrath of my machine gun! #1: Ha HA! Missed! Now I shall use my pocket-bazooka! #2: Ugh.. .. you got me. You see, even the most innocent of situations can end in all-out war. And why do you humans have this gene? Well, you see, another innate function of humans is to find bigger and better ways of destroying each other. This social paradox gene simply provides you with a motive. You owe the Oracle another case study. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00358) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 10:00:16 A 10/27/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me, oh wise oracle why is it that I only call systems that I have an SL of 255 ? - Rob Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......... Well, you see, since I happen to have an SL of 65535 (maximum 16bit number, unlike 255 which is only 8bit), I might be able to shed some light on this matter. You see, Wayne Bell, in his infinite wisdom, created WWIV to be biased towards higher SL's. That's right, people with low security levels get logged off "accidentally" by line noise more frequently, have a harder time making Ymodem upload, and Zmodem do batch functions, and often have that "mailbox full" message when trying to send feedback to the sysop, not to mention "Insufficient Disk Space" errors when they try to e-mail a close friend. As a sysop however, none of these problems are as big of a deal. The modem connection is more stable, the transfer protocols behave, and the mailboxes have just a little more room. Now why was it designed this way? Because I told him to. Since I'm no ordinary program I naturally get a 16bit SL, and therefore have no difficulties whatsoever. Just look how skillfully I can toss the user accounts around! And juggle the message bases! Why, even if I were to drop one nothing could happen! At 65535 SL, nothing can go wrong! I'll prove it too! Look, watch this, I'll try cross-linking the zmodem executable with the menu files, and I'll swap the user log with the sysop message sub! Watch: OOOOoooooooooopsssssjnû439þ¨08²34#€^%$¨3n5•64ÆjÀ¾*– NO CARRIER ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00356) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 10:38:47 A 10/29/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Re: O omniscient ORACLE, tell me the answer to this: Regarding: O omniscient ORACLE, tell me the answer to this: Posted By: Sysop #1 @9443 Oh all knowing oracle, please tell me... Why do we have belly buttons? What are their use? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: that could be answered in one of many ways.... 1) we have belly buttons so we can look like trigger targets to the insane. 2) we have belly buttons because your mothers poked you too much at birth. 3) we have belly buttons because God didnt want to finish sewing you up when he first created man. 4) we have belly buttons because your shirt couldnt hold as many as your belly could. ÄÄÄÄÄ Begin Quote ÄÄÄÄÄ Oh all knowing oracle, please tell me... Why do we have belly buttons? What are their use? ÄÄÄÄÄÄ End Quote ÄÄÄÄÄÄ Their uses can also be explained in many ways... but here is only a few. 1) one use that the belly button has is a holder for penny's and dimes. (greedy people have an easier time storing their money when their pockets are full.) 2) another use that the belly button has but has NO significance what so ever is a lint collector. (those of you who like lint, this is a great idea!) 3) another use of the belly button is when you are bored... you may stick your finger in it... therefor giving your finger something to do. (ex. babies are usually real bored when being played with, with boring fathers, so they stick their fingers in their fathers navel to entertain themselves with the lint) 4) another use of the belly button is a depth finder.. when you signify your bellybutton to be used as a depth finder... you are usually FAT. and to tell how round your belly really is... You stick a ruler in your belly button, and if it sticks in more than 6 inches... your FAT. You owe the Oracle a free weight loss and diet plan. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00360) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 10:39:36 A 10/29/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Re: O omniscient ORACLE, tell me the answer to this: Regarding: O omniscient ORACLE, tell me the answer to this: Why does my Trident Super VGA card can't ever get to the SVGA modes? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Well..... You see, SVGA cards aren't really SVGA's. Just as ten gallon hats don't really hold ten gallons, SVGA's can't actually get into high resulotion/color modes. The demo programs that come with the card fake it. They use camera tricks, mirrors, and smoke effects to make it LOOK like it's doing what they claim it does. Ok, sure, the driver they give you works with Windows, but then windows is also a big trick. The last time Microsoft ACTUALLY made something was when they were working on version 3.0 of their flight simulator. I'm sure you've heard that Windows was accused of being a virus. And though you may have heard this as well, it must be repeated: Windows is NOT a virus, viruses DO something. The same could be said of your SVGA card. The only cards that get those high res/col modes are the OVGA's (Oracle Video Graphics Arrays). If you would like to buy one, write to: Lord Oracle 32768 NOP Way FooBarVille, EXE. 80468-DX50 We will send you your free catalog for a nominal fee of $100, partially refunded upon your first purchase of $1000 or more. Our catalog is really neat. It's filled with all kinds of junk you can't get anywhere else, and it all works too!! Have you ever wanted an inflatable guillotine? They're great for on-the-spot beheadings. We have a large gag section in it as well. Have you ever wanted to play a joke on your mom by replacing here hairbrush with one that has razor sharp spikes and blades? We have that too!! Oh yeh, we have a big computer section of course. Printers that can chew up your school work much more effectively than any dot-matrix ever could, and boy do we have volitile RAM!! Bahahahahah!!!! You owe the Oracle an OVGA. Of course you have to buy it first! ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved.