The following scroll contains messages which are considered to be the best of the most recent WWIVnet Oracle responses, as judged by the Seers of the Oracle. For more information on using the Oracle, write to ORACLE@4079 and put the word "HELP" in the title of the message. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00366) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 14:16:38 P 10/31/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me Bud.. Why do they call Q-Tips Q-Tips when they aren't even close to the Q shape.. Now maybe calling a golf club a Q-Tip I could unnerstand but the Q-Tips look more like a cotton ball on a shteek. Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Well..... Very good question! You see, there is actually a conspiracy involved. Q-Tips used to be shaped like Q's, but that was a long time ago. The problem with that design, especially with the little hook shape on the lower-case "q", was that they would get caught in various body orifaces, and a painful surgical procedure would have to be used to remove them. This was done on purpose, so that the doctors could steal spleen samples from the victims to use in their alcoholic beverages at home. This continued for years, and not one doctor came out and told the truth about it until about a decade ago, at which point the Q-Tips were changed to a new design, the one you now know. However, that design didn't appear right away, as scientists needed to experiment with various designs for quite some time before they came up with the current one. One such design was the G-Tip, which bore a resemblence to a similarly named string, it was used in the same place, and it often had the same effect. Another design was the Y-tip, which was well suited for cleaning out both nostrils at the same time. So as you can see, the well-known Q-tip has quite an interesting history indeed. Go now, and enjoy your Q-Tips. You owe the Oracle a box of Q-Tips, and some G-Tips. No Y-Tips please. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00369) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 22:17:22 P 11/01/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me Oh great Oracle who has no need of a blindfold to see the stars, Answer this pitiful mortal's simple question. What, excatly is the purpose of my existance as a homo sapiens? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Hmmmmmmmmmm....... Not another "life" question. Ok, here goes.. Your purpose in existence as a human is quite complex, and if I were to explain it completely and in detail your head would probably implode due to complete synaptic inversion. However, I can tell you this. Your purpose in life is to maintain a stable environment in which fuzzies can live. As everyone knows, fuzzies are intimately linked with the workings of the rest of the universe, and having a large population of them is necessary to sustain a homeostatic continuum. Therefore you have been chosen to help maintain the fuzzy population. That's right, just by leaving dirty clothes piled in the corner of your bedroom, and by never cleaning the lint out of the clothes-dryer, you can do your part to maintain cosmic stability! Be proud, as you are one of the chosen "Keepers of the Fuzzies!" Revel in your job, be one with it and the universe. You owe... uh.. nevermind, fuzzy keepers owe me nothing. Go in peace. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00374) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 21:52:22 P 11/18/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh mighty mighty all-seeing Oracle, tell me some answers... For aeons upon aeons I have been plagued by a dilemma which plunders my spirit and ravages my soul. I have sought the wisdom of sages and heard the pratter of fools. Please, oh gracious One, tell me: Salsa or guacamole? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Well, Indeed young mortal, that is a difficult question. .. Oh sorrry, I have a call on the other telepathiline. C:\STUPID\ANSWER\PROGRAMS> random.exe Random response: You problem lies in your iniability to judge the physical nature of your opponent. Games of this sort by nature involve feats of immense sexual prowess, as well as physical strength. Additionally, an immense mental capacity is required to master such a set of skill-testing (and gland draining) activities. Size is not as important as strength, length is not as important as speed. Keep this in mind whilst you are training and practicing. Excersize is the key. You owe the Oracle a re-match. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00368) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 21:53:44 P 11/18/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me... O great and wise Oracle, why do shopping carts NEVER go straight!?!?! Thus spake the Oracle: Title: My humble child..... why do you impose your sexual morals upon the lowly shopping cart? Is it not enough that they serve you faithfully in all your shopping needs, must they also conform to your repressive sexual codes? Does it really do you any good to try to dictate the private lives of the shopping carts? I hope you open your mind a bit and let shopping carts be shopping carts; besides, how do you know the difference between a male and female cart? Did you take a class in cart anatomy 101? ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00372) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 20:29:18 P 11/24/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me oh Great and dandy Oracle... tell me [grovel, grovel] how to [grovel, grovel]shove little men into chicken suits on a Wednesday in the middle of winter? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Generic Title for a Generic Message by a Generic User Well, first let me say that you have a perverse sense of humor. Second of all, I LOVE perversenessness... OooooWEE! Ok.. To shove men into chicken suit is a difficult thing to do indeed. It requires a little knowledge of psychology. You see, if you can shrink heads, then you can find a way to shrink bodies too. Once shrunk they will fit into the chicken suits (chickens are quite small you know!). Of course doing it on a wednesday also increases the difficulty, as the particular small men of which you speak get paid on that day, and they usually say "Hey! I just got paid, I think I'll take the rest of the day off!" And they usually get away with it. Of course they also tend to get quite bundled up in the winter to stay warm, so I doubt they'll be willing to take it all off to wear a funny looking chicken suit. One thing you could try to do to convince them is to start clucking like a chicken yourself, and they may think you've totally lost it and that they had better humor you lest you do something everyone will regret later. And if they don't do it, then you might as well do something you regret later, as long as they regret it more. You owe the Oracle a CD-Player in a chicken suit. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00380) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 20:29:34 P 11/24/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me now...or die! Oh great one...I would like to know what you would do if you met Barney on the streets? I know that I would lick the toe jam off his feet! Thus spake the Oracle: Title: I see... Well, you want to know what *I* would do? I'd fry his little...!!! Hmph... Lemme explain. You see, he is a rival of mine, competition, get it? Why do people come to me? Because they want answers to the questions that plaugue their everyday insignificant pitious loathesome lives. And I give it to them! But not everyone can afford my prices. Now in comes Barney. HE offers "wisdom" and "insight" to everyone (though they usually don't admit it, adults value his "words of wisdom" as well). And he give it out for free!!! And often in the form of easy-to-remember irritating songs! How can I compete!?!?!?! I'll tell you how. *I* have the all-powerful !!! Now, I have tried ing him before, but at long range. You see, all those brain-numbing lyrics throw off my targeting, so I can't him through the TV. So, the answer is, if >I< were to meet him in the streets, I would not hesitate to him to peices, molecule by molecule! You owe the Oracle a map to Barney's house. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00391) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 00:02:30 A 12/02/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me, O gracious Oracle... ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³Regarding³ ÄÍ Groveling. ÍÄ ³Reply? ³ ÄÍ Reply vehemently sought... ÍÄ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ whose sagacity stretches further than the outermost realms of the known universe, bestow upon me the answer to a question which torments my diminutive knowledge: Why do mortals sneeze while operating our motor vehicles? Since we cannot sneeze whilst our eyes are open, what can be done to prevent sneezing while driving to avoid damaging the person of another motorist? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: ah... I see by your question that you are concerned not only with your safty, but also with the well being of those whom you share America's golden streets with. pathetic. Looks, when you sneeze you only close your eyes for a split second, which isn't going to make a whole heck of a lot of difference my insignificant friend. But sence I also see that you are going to start with your vile whining if I do not grant you this petty solution, here it is: When driving in city streets, and you feel the need to sneeze, if stopped at a red light try to blow right away. This sensation rarely lasts a few moments, so the worse to happen could be a few honks by fellow moterists should your twitching last too long. If your not at a red light however, and you feel that sensation commin' on, stabilize your situation so that you may have your eyes and sences distracted for a few moments. On the highway it really won't make much difference, so long as you keep to the 2-second following distance rule, and have a "space cusion" around your vehicle. The worse senario here is if you miss your off-ramp, but that's rare and nothing to worry your simple brain about... Should you find however, that you must sneeze while in the middle of a very high bridge, just give in, 'cause your dead. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00384) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 00:02:35 A 12/02/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me if you dare... Oh Oracle, hon, what I'd REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY like to know is: How long will Cal Ripkin last? Will he ever have another really SUPER-SEASON? And, most importantly, are the little beings speaking in my head REALLY sent from God? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Beings!?!?!? Little beings in your head?!!? Doesn't that hurt? Oh, yeh... right... I'm the Oracle. Yes, those beings do hurt. I'm not so sure I would say that those beings are sent by god, but they are definitely in your head. I'm speaking literally here. They are physically inside that cranial structure of yours. You see that puddle on the floor? They told you to do that, didn't they? You mustn't listen to them. I mean REALLY!! Take a look at yourself! They even have you believing that Cal Ripkin might LAST!!! They have you believing that he even EXISTS! Take a look in the newspapers, magazines, and news broadcasts. You will see that there is no mention of him anywhere except when those little beings are talking. There is a quick-fix however. Get some sulphuric acid, and squirt some in your ear. Shake lightly, invert, then ignite. That will solve all of your problems (and remove unsightly cranial hair). You owe the Oracle a back-rub, and some dynamite to blow up the little beings in his stomach. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00385) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 00:02:43 A 12/02/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh tell me Wise Oracle, why must I find happiness in buttonholes, toaster ovens and bedspreads in order to achieve financial stability? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Well... You see, my fine young supplicant, financial stability is merely a state of mind. If you can make yourself happy (and we all have our own preferences and fetishes, a few of mine being jellied air compressors, stone back-scratchers, and nintendo cartridges named Ralph), you can also find financial stability. Take for example jellied air compressors. There's a demon just down the street who makes them. I pay for them, and he's happy. He makes more so I'm happy. He pays his taxes, and I get payed off of the tax money, so I'm happy. So we're all happy and financially stable. See? Isn't that simple? You owe the Oracle a jellied air-compressor, and five gargantuan purple CD players with smiley fuzzy creatures crawling through it with a pet turtle named Bob. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved.