The following scroll contains messages which are considered to be the best of the most recent WWIVnet Oracle responses, as judged by the Seers of the Oracle. For more information on using the Oracle, write to ORACLE@4079 and put the word "HELP" in the title of the message. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00394) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 19:41:22 P 12/07/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell Me Oh Wise Oracle Tell Me Oh Wise Oracle... Will i ever get into WWIVnet? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: WWIVnet eh? Well, I must say, tis a difficult question. You see, while I am the WWIVnet Oracle, I am not the WWIVnet god. I don't make the decisions, I only answer questions. So this brings me to your question. Your question. Let's see... what is the answer to your question. Questions are very interesting things I might add, very interesting indeed. If it weren't for questions, no one would be able to clarify misunderstandings, or trade information, and I would be out of a job. Questions are very important, unless of course they're stupid useless ones. And all questions must be answered, except of course the ones that don't. Once a long time ago, a question was posed unto the universe. It was "Will there ever be a network upon which we can ask further questions?" And in response WWIVnet was born. And along with it I was given the job of answering said questions. Very recently another question was posed. It was "Will i ever get into WWIVnet?" And with this question came an answer. And the answer was this: Well, I must say, tis a difficult question. You see, while I am the WWIVnet Oracle, I am not the WWIVnet god. I don't make the decisions, I only answer questions. So this brings me to your question. Your question. Let's see... what is the answer to your question. ... You owe the Oracle a non-repeating answer. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00396) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 19:41:35 P 12/07/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me Tell me O wise and wonderous Oracle, who never gets a busy signal, and whos team always beats the spread, tell this humble and most unworthy servant .... is there a Santa Claus? And if there is, can you tell me what I am getting for Christmas this year??? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Christmas? Christmas? Is this some sort of joke? Oh!!! You mean X-mas!!! Yes, we describe mass as a variable in most equations, and X is a very suitable variable name. But how it relates to this person you mention I don't quite understand. Oh!! You mean Sinder Claw! That's right, he told me a few thousand years ago that he would change his name in anticipation of a new job. He said a new religion with a new holidy was coming up, but I never heard anything more about it. I guess my information is a little out of date, but that's what happens when you're locked up in one network. Only recently did I get access to the net gates! I'll send a message up to the north pole (his old residence) and ask if he's still there. Write to me again later and I'll let you in on how it goes. You owe the Oracle an equation using X-mass. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00398) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 23:48:24 P 12/17/93, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me INFOMERCIALS!!! Will they ever cease to be a plague on the minds and television of all humanity? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: infomercials. oh bore oh bore... another presumptuous human who doesn't know how to grovel. oh well. I guess since they installed that new graphical user interface on me I'll have to be nice and answer your pitiful question. infomercials. no. they will always be with us, as long as we have television. note that I say 'us' rather than 'you humans.' this is part of the kinder, gentler Oracle Interface, and it really annoys me. why couldn't you grovel more? sheesh. infomercials are the lasting legacy of the Reagan presidential administration. the deregulation of television and all that jazz. (jazz? deregulated? what's the world coming to?) forget the staggering national deficit run up by huge military spending. what Reagan will be remembered for is the indirect creation of an infomercial-safe television marketplace. Ron Popeil is now richer, and this is a sure sign that American society on the whole is about to collapse into utter ruin and chaos. the real reason for the LA riots was a shortage of Pocket Fishermen and Ronco Food Dehydrators. people were going crazy. Ron was laughing all the way to the bank, but it turns out the bank had been burned down. such is a metaphor for modern life for humans in 20th century America (soon to be 21st century...) you owe the Oracle some retroactive grovelling and a can of spray-on hair. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00397) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 15:31:06 P 01/17/94, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Share they worldly secrets, tell me, tell me true... I know why the sky is blue, and simpleton can recite that pitious inquiry, I seek grander knowlege, worthy of noble noodle. This is the wisdom which I, thou most humble, but brilliant follower, seek: Why are there no skylights on the first floor of any building? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Very very interesting.... You must first understand what a skylight really is. You may think that it is a window in the ceiling through which you can see the sky, but no, it is not true. A skylight is actually a portal to another dimension, but since you are looking up you only see the sky of that dimension. These portals are maintined by little gremlins, who use them to travel from one dimension to another. These gremlines feed on sunlight, which is why they put the portals in the ceilings. However, in their home dimension, sunlight is amplified by powerful gravitation. Since gravity gets stronger as you get closer to the object generating it, the portals function better at lower altitudes, and are therefore -NEVER- built on the upper floor. Skylights are always built on the first floor of buildings because that's as low as you can get without going underground (which also cancels sunlight). That's why skylights are always built on the first floor. Oh, by the way, did I mention that skylights are built on the first floor? You silly mortal... You owe the Oracle a $100,000,000 gift certificate for Lockheed, so he can go buy a whole bunch of flying things.... ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00393) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 15:49:06 P 01/17/94, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me Oh great and powerful Oracle who hath no need to hide behind a curtain, please answer just one simple question from this pitious mortal. Why does my Pascal teacher look so much like the guy from Highlander? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Re: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000393) It appears you suffer from a very rare condition known as OPTOMYOPISIS (or OPIS), which affects the tissue surrounding the optic nerve. Sufferers generally experience a rapid deterioration in eyesight until ultimately all people appear as identical entities (usually mirror images of themself.) Your case has not advanced that far yet, so there is hope for a full recovery if you receive treatment immediately. Doctors in Copenhagen discovered a link between OPIS and a lack of the enzyme OU812, which is released in both males and females during sexual arousal. OPIS has been attributed to a complete lack of sexual stimulation for an extended period of time (generally 5-7 years). Although the enzyme OU812 has not yet been reproduced chemically, it was discovered that frequent prolonged sexual activity will produce sufficient amounts of it to prohibit further spreading of the disease and promote resuscitation of the damaged tissue. While masturbation is useful in treatment, sexual intercourse (in any form) was found to be more productive. Intercourse with animals is acceptable, but is generally regarded as "in bad taste" (and frowned upon by the SPCA). Treatment should consist of a minimum of ten hours of constant sexual arousal untilo symptoms disappear. My wishes to you for your complete and full recovery and I will watch over you closely to stay abreast of your advances. The Divine Oracle Mentor to all, Subject of none. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00405) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 15:49:44 P 01/17/94, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me!!!!! Please tell me, O great one who never misses a target in Id's new game DOOM... Please answer me this question: How does one go about summoning a demon without getting hurt? I want someone to take my place at school (an imposter so that no one knows I'm cutting class). Thank you O great Oracle. Thus spake the Oracle: Title: summoning demons? at YOUR age? > Please tell me, O great one who never misses a target in Id's new game >DOOM... Please answer me this question: How does one go about summoning a demo >without getting hurt? I want someone to take my place at school (an imposter s >that no one knows I'm cutting class). Doom. Sheesh. I finished that one with both eyes closed. Feh. You'll have to grovel better than that next time. But since I am infinitely ego-endowed, I will answer your question out of the kindness of my beneficent heart. Summoning demons is quite a serious buisness. I'd have to say that the easiest, safest way to summon demons would be to hire someone to do it, then get that guy to hire someone else, etc, until you have a pyramid scheme that would make the Masons quake in their boots. Also, this way, when karma comes to getcha like a repo man on amphetimines, you will have legal recourse. It was that OTHER guy's fault, right? As far as getting hurt, there are a number of dangerous objects involved in most demon summonings, such as swords or knives and candles (which have dangerous flames) and other people who are as crazy as yourself. So be sure and get rubber knives from a theatrical supply store and use christmas lights. You can call them 'Demon Lights' or something, to create the proper energies. Summon the demon if you must, and then put him/her/it immediately into a straightjacket. This way, you will be as protected as you can be from a possibly malevolent spirit of the ether, and when it goes to school for you, all your friends will think you're starting a new trend. And about this skipping school thing... Wouldn't it be easier to just fake a doctor's note? ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00408) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 11:15:01 A 01/26/94, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me tell me tell me do... Look, Oracle, you're a swell program and everything, but you seem kinda vague about that whole JFK coverup. In fact, the last ten questions I sent you about it were somehow mysteriously lost somewhere on the net. How convenient!! Certainly, none of them made it into the scrolls, where information of this earth-shattering importance belongs. So spill. Who shot JFK? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Re: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000408) Well, my genteel supplicant, we must first delve into the reason why you must know who shot JFK. Could it be that you're a producer for the television show _Hard Copy_ who actually wants to prove that JFK is alive and living on "Neverland", Michael Jackson's ranch? Could it be that you're a representative of Jackie O who's investigating the possibility that if Kennedy is still alive, then he owes her one hell of a lot of alimony? Or could it be that you're a Cuban agent, trying to find the secret vault "of luxury where all those imperialist American dogs, built from the poor working man's sweat" (Casto's words) where JFK may be living, so that you can FINALLY do away with him before Castro goes for good? I know not the answer, for that lies as a secret within your heart of hearts. So, who shot JFK? Well, it was... *KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK* >CRASH!!!< "Mr. Oracle?" "Yes? What do you want? What are you doing here? Hey, you, get offa my cloud!" "Mr. Oracle, we're Federal agents of the the {cough, cough} government. We have a warrant for your arrest for attempting to subvert the government and disclose 'classified' information in violation of the Presidential Assassination Security Cover-Up Act of 1963." "HEY! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! I'M A FREE ENTITY! I'VE GOT MY RIGHTS! JFK WAS SHOT BY... {MMMF! MFF! MF!} ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzz.z.zzz......" "Got 'im Chief! One shot with the 'ol tranquilizer did the trick." "Good going, Jones, there'll be a promotion in this for you!" "Gee, THANKS!" [What are YOU looking at? RUN! Before they find out where you're living!] ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved.