The following scroll contains messages which are considered to be the best of the most recent WWIVnet Oracle responses, as judged by the Seers of the Oracle. For more information on using the Oracle, write to ORACLE@4079 and put the word "HELP" in the title of the message. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00426) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 19:30:35 P 03/13/94, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: ORACLE Oh wise and mighty oracle! I am in dire need of an answer to the most baffling question in the universe. Why is it that hot dogs come in packages of ten and hot dog buns come in packages of eight? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Poor unknowing soul... You are just not capable of comprehending the great plan of the universe as I, the Oracle can do. You see, nature is constantly in a state of trying to equalize itself. Tornadoes are natures (unfortunately violent) attempt to stabilize the air pressure in a particular area. This instinct of equalization carries over into the mind of the consumer. The business man realizes this and tries unsuccessfully to capitalize upon it. Hot dogs are packed in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight in order to try and get the consumer to balance out their purchase with 4 packs of weiners and 5 packs of buns. But the consumer realizes that they will not eat that many hot dogs in a short period of time, so therefore, the practice of staggering the buns and weenies is rendered moot. You owe the Oracle two hot dogs (all the way with no onions) and a can of Pork N' Beans ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00422) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 19:31:40 P 03/13/94, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oracle! Tell me truly, O Totem Of Tranquility! [Regarding]: hmm [MsgStatus]: Please Reply. Whose marbled floors and tastefully polished exotic woods I am not worthy to beat my tongue against, not even with one of those Holy JuiceMan things! I wish to ask a question, and I wish also for an answer! My question is thus, and I shall issue it forth from my trembling lips forthrightly: Why, why, WHY do the English wear those silly hats that look like plucked hedgehogs? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Why? I'll tell you why. Because they ARE plucked hedgehogs. Face it, the English have all sorts of strange tastes, and one of their longest lasting fads has ben to wear mutilated animals. Why just the other day I was talking to a friend over there who had a skinned cat about his neck! It was sickening. And his wife had a boiled turkey with its eyes removed and its feet painted. And do you want to know how she wore that one?! Do you!??! Well, I won't tell you!!! It was really nasty!!!! You owe the Oracle a flattened cow. Or was tht a flattered cow? Either will do. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00433) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 19:32:23 P 03/13/94, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me, Oh wise Oracle Reply : Requested Tell me, oh wise and great WWIVnet Oracle, why must some users be unable to follow directions, unable to speak (type) in English, unable to use punctuation, unable to make a point, and constantly use profanity? Oh tell me! Tell me, oh wise and great Oracle. Most wise of the wise! Thus spake the Oracle: Title: My friend..... 'tis a simple question and I will be pleased to answer it. The reason some people are unable to use a bulletin board corectly is because,unlike you and I,they only have a model Intel 8088 central processing unit built into thier minds,let alone a math co-processor. This makes people very slow,and only able to process one instruction at a time,also,most of the early people models use a type of removable brain,which often becomes damaged in transit. Thus we have stupid people. I recommend telling your users who are still using the 8088 brain to upgrade to a 486 or possibly Pentium,then you will see a large increase in brain activity. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00436) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 20:57:12 P 03/18/94, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: TELL ME Oracle, of ancient and long known repute, sage master of all truths known and unknown, dread sovereign of the kingdom of knowledge, permit me this mortal peculiarity of curiosity: Why do people vote democratic? Predator 1 @ 3139 Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Hmmmmmmm.... [Regarding]: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000436) [MsgStatus]: No Reply Necessary. That's a toughie. Well...to explain, a bit of history. Way back when, (a LONG time ago) people didn't know what Democrats or Republicans were. Heck, they didn't even know what Whigs or Tories or Roundheads or Libertarians or Socialists or Marxists or Christian Democrats, or even Bull Mooses were. (Bull Moose was Teddy Roosevelt's political party, by the way, but it never flew, 'cause moose don't have wings and some people thought it was stupid for a bunch of grown men to go around calling themselves "Bull Mooses" anyway. Apparently, Shriners never met those people.) ANYWAY, way back when. Man lived in caves and threw stones at other men who got too close to their cave, and some got hit in the head with these stones, and, as a result, started thinking of some pretty weird stuff. One was spatulas. (This is a historically proven fact, actually...you can find primitive spatulas on the cave walls in Lascoux, France...look under the third rock from the left, underneath the 907th "Buffalo with Spears"). Another one was "politics". The guy that thought the thing up was actually trying to figure out how he could get his neighbor to stop chucking rocks at his head everytime he went out to relieve himself. And the concept he came up with was "How about if I talk to everybody else, and see what THEY think about this whole rock throwing thing, and maybe if they all feel the same way I do, we can band together in an intellectual clique, and pelt the b*stard with more rocks than he knows what to do with." This was how political thought started. So. To answer your question, people vote democrat because it's passŠ to throw rocks at your opponent's head. (This goes for ALL political parties) You owe The Oracle a Ducksicle. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00443) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 17:47:02 P 03/24/94, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh wise oracle, TELL ME! Reply : Requested Oh wise one, tell me where my brain has gone! ;) Thus spake the Oracle: Title: An answer, o humble one.... Your brain is gone... yes, it would appear so. Let me see if I can explain. You see, brains are virtual devices, meaning, they don't exist in one place and the form that they appear to be in. Your brain actually consists of several mempory storage devices, and multiple processing system shared by other brains. The reason your brain is currently inaccessable is simply because you have exceeded your access restrictions, and the system resources have thus been routed to other processes. But if it's of any consolation to you, I shall talk to the SysAdmin about giving you your mental resources back.... You owe the Oracle a brain and three ganglia. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00444) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 17:49:40 P 03/24/94, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: O tell me wise Oracle! [MsgStatus]: Please Reply. I wish to know why those stumpy little leprechaun dweebs LIED about the finding of pots full of gold at the end of rainbow-type things! Tell me, O Oracle, whose smoothly varnished and lovingly polished mahogany base I am not fit to spit-clean... as this is of somewhat immediate concern, and it vexes me. You see, since I actually CALLED the leprechaun a stumpy little nectar-swilling moronic dweeb, my left lung is filled with pebbles with smiley faces painted on them. Help! Also, it would be nice if you (the Oracle) could tell me how to get the darn stones out without nasty things like blood and knives and stuff. Thus spake the Oracle: Title: The Oracle responds! (EORA000444) ¯ I wish to know why those stumpy little leprechaun dweebs LIED about the ¯finding of pots full of gold at the end of rainbow-type things! Tell me, ¯O Oracle, whose smoothly varnished and lovingly polished mahogany base I am no ¯fit to spit-clean... as this is of somewhat immediate concern, and it vexes ¯me. You see, since I actually CALLED the leprechaun a stumpy little ¯nectar-swilling moronic dweeb, my left lung is filled with pebbles with smiley ¯faces painted on them. Help! Also, it would be nice if you (the Oracle) coul ¯tell me how to get the darn stones out without nasty things like blood and ¯knives and stuff. 'Tis a simple question and I will be pleased to answer it. It all goes back to the first BBS users. Little dweebs slandered BBS systems, forcing sysops to place age restrictions. This continued with 13 - 15 year old dweebs making factless accusations until one sysop stood up and said to his piers: "We can get rid of these little jerks!" Transcript follows. Idea Sysop: I know how we can get rid of these little jerks! Sysop 2: But they don't post, all they do is leech files and slander us! Sysop 3: Yeah! I hate it. No one ever appreciates what we do! Idea Sysop: It involves telling a little lie. George Sysop: I cannot tell a lie! Clinton Sysop: Who cares? I cannot tell the difference! Host: Enough already! What is your idea? Idea Sysop: Well, we tell these little jerks that they can MAKE.MONEY.FAST! Sysop 3: How? Idea Sysop: Well, it involves a pot of gold and a ficticious man named David Rhodes. Well, what we'll do is--- Sysop 2: David Rhodes? I've heard of him! Clinton Sysop: Yeah! He's the guy that I sold that pyramid scam (which is illegal by Federal Law) to six weeks ago! Grand Jury: What? First WhiteWaterGate, now DavyRhodesGate.. Sheesh... Idea Sysop: Well, we write this letter to these lamers saying: There is a BBS that will give the first 13 - 16 year old who logs on a pot of gold. The Grapevine says that the sysop is a lepricaun. We do know that it is connected to at LEAST one network. Then they'll leave us alone! And thus go the three stories of the Lamers, Lepricauns, and Clinton-DavyRhodes-Gate. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved.