The following scroll contains messages which are considered to be the best of the most recent WWIVnet Oracle responses, as judged by the Seers of the Oracle. For more information on using the Oracle, write to ORACLE@4079 and put the word "HELP" in the title of the message. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00447) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 16:16:09 P 04/07/94, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Re: O omniscient ORACLE, tell me the answer to this: Oh, wise and all powerful Oracle, whose light is fully shining, whose nose is always perfect, whose chin is clearly plastic, please Give me the answer to my most humble, meek, and desparate question: How do I get more online time without paying=)? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Re: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000447) AH! the great burning question. TIME At my level of consiousness it is plain that time is not a constant but a variable. Surely even thou hast noticed that time flys when thou art having fun or that it drags eternally whilst thou doest clean the toilet bowl, and there in lies the key! The answer to thy question is thusly.. Do not send money as a bribe to some lowly mortal sysop in exchange for time, He can not sell it as it is not his to sell, (send it to me instead!). When thou doest sit with thy fingers poised at the computer ready to call out envision thyself on hands and knees worshiping the great porceline god with scrub brush in hands, thus thou mayst manipulate time thyself and low it shall drag! Thou doest owe the oracle a tablet of "Saniflush" ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00445) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 21:42:09 P 05/19/94, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me, O great one!!! O please O please O please great Oracle!!! Why O why O why do I repeat my words over and over and over again as you have seen in the overly and overtly redundant and otherwise repetative redundant manner that you have seen above?!?! Thank you O great Oracle!!?!! Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Hmmmm... Ponderous... I believe this one requires calling in a little extra help. Some "Special Agents," if you will. "You must dial a one before the area code. Please hang up and try your call again." Damn. "Good morning, department of redundancy department, Good morning!" Ah, yes, my young friend here would like to know just why he always repeats everything he says, over and over again. "Aaaannnd... this is a problem there's something wrong with?" Well it seems to bother him... "Perfectly normal fine to me myself...." Yeah... Thanks. "Ok, thank you, b-bye, thank you!" >>>>>>You owe The Oracle something longer than 30 lines max for a response. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00446) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 21:42:25 P 05/19/94, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Re: Oh omniscient ORACLE, tell me the answer to this: User Title: [D'annan Sh'na] Oh Great and Wonderous ORACLE! You who's wisdom is poured out upon us lowly mortals, like a the life giving flow of the fountain high upon the mountain top, that forms the stream that cascades down the to pool in the valleys so that we may quench our thirst. The drink I beg of you is the draft of knowledge. Grant me this to slake my thirst oh infinitely wise one! I beg you answer! This obsequitious one who is unworthy to serve you, let alone ask of the gift of knowledge must know.. Why, oh great one, why does the post office now take many many days for a letter to be delivered from one side of town to another, YET manage to deliver a similer missive to another country half way around the world in but a double hand full of hours? When I was but a stripling this was not so.. a letter could leap from one side of the country to another in but a day.. Why? All seeing one, who's wisdom shines out like the rays of the sun after an eclipse, why must this be? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: The question is understood.. i understand your question and to say I havnt pondered it would be a false lie. Why when I was a boy i had to walk 10 miles uphill both ways in the snow during the middle of the summer to check my p.o. box and yet,many days i did not recieve mail. So i dug deep into the forest of knowledge which I and only I do posses and found the answer that you request. In truth (this is what the post office didnt want you to know) there is a central collecting point for ALL mail sent. Unfortuanatly when the spot was to be chosen there was MUCH heated debate as to where the collection point would be (no one wanted it) so after 6,000,000,000,000 years of heated debate a spot was chosen. The area where all mail would go was destined to be on the third crater from the left on the moon (Jupiters Moon!). And to answer your question,when sending a letter locally the mailman usually has to go to each home to pick up the mail,after which he takes all the local letters for his vicinity to the moon on foot. Now the NON LOCAL ones are government supported,so they get taken to the moon by carrier pigeon which is much faster. This I belive to be the answer to your question and for it you owe the ORACLE a gift. You owe the ORACLE three Elvis Stamps and some pocket lint. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00458) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 21:42:47 P 05/19/94, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh sagacious One, I beseech thee, Tell me the answer MS: Reply Requested For all my sordid existence I have sought the answers to life's most puzzling questions, arduously toiling in my odyssey for knowledge, relentlessly asking the right questions of the wrong mortals. Finally, I have found hope --- I implore you to provide to me the answers to these questions which transcend mortal conscienceness: ...Why do the toilet seats in public men's restrooms not form a complete circle??? ...Can you spread butterflies on toast and do they have more calories than margerine? Only you, O Great and Cognizant One, can help me to end this ancient quest for truth. All praise the Oracle... Thus spake the Oracle: Title: My humble and loyal servant... I shall answer your questions! First you have asked...Why do the toilet seats in public men's restroom not form a complete circle??? The answer is that they are made in the semi-circle form so that you may better rest your legs onto while relieving your daily excess load. It is formed only to hold the parts of your body that will be on the seat, and men also usually sit with their legs wide apart. Therefore, the commode is built expressly for the use of men. Your next question was...Can you spread butterflies on toast and do they have more calories than margerine??? The answer to this question is also an easy one. Butterflies cannot be "spread" on toast because they cannot be in a liquid state. But I find that you could get a few butterflies and cut them into very small pieces and make a whole-some and nutricious meal. They do not have more calories than margerine, and they also don't have as much fat. So you may have this delicious treat and not worry about gaining a pound. In conclusion....When eating a butterfly sandwhich on the commode, don't worry about the excess load or calories. The All Great And Powerful Oracle ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00456) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 21:43:42 P 05/19/94, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: ORACLE oh knower of all things great and small...If sanity hinges on the ability of an individual to predict his immediate personal future on the basis of facts which are surrounding him; then oh Mighty Thinker of great thoughts; How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Piddling Mortal This one again, is it? The Oracle would like to point out that if you mortals can't get your act together, We're just going to pack it all in and go home to Our mother. And We're keeping the ring! Basically, what it all comes down to in the grand scheme of things, is that a woodchuck would chuck what he could chuck, if (in fact) a woodchuck could chuck wood. But they don't chuck wood. They chuck chunks. The chunks woodchucks chuck is aproximately 1/2 the total mass of the creature per minute, per standard working day (less 1/2 hour for lunch, and a 15 minute break around 2pm, unless the country in question is England, when the 2pm break is at 4 and lasts 30 minutes instead of 15, and there is also a 15 minute break around 11am, where tea and or cocoa (depending on the season) and butter cookies or sweet bread with honey is served). So a woodchuck chucks chunks, based on an 8 hour working day, the amount of chunks available, and its bodyweight. This does not include working holidays, when they chuck 1/4 their bodyweight for a 5 hour day, nor does it include overtime, where they continue to chuck chunks for no more than 3 hours over the original 8 (with an extra 15 minute break thrown in, so the woodchucks can potty, or call home to say they're working overtime). This also does not take into account any sickdays the woodchuck may take, any days when the woodchuck may leave early due to illness or injury, or any weather closings of the chunk chucking plant. In closing, my fine feathered prole, go weigh a woodchuck, count his chucking chunks, and work the math out for yourself. Chunk chucking isn't an exact science. You owe The Oracle: a 10-pack of blank 90minute casettes, a new printer ribbon, and an afternoon tea. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (QR00468) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 15:39:33 P 05/23/94, Oracle Time. (05/21/94 00:43:55 A) You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me Oh wise one...what does the SysRq key do on a 101 keyboard? Is it just a trick to fool all the simpletons in the world, or is it a conspiracy to eventually spread them all over the keyboard, devouring the other keys as it spreads? TELL ME! Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Well, foolish mortal... RE: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000468) Well, I shall tell you exactly what that key is for. "SysReq" actually stands for "System Requisition", meaning that everytime you press the key, "THEY" are one step closer to aquiring your computer system. And who are "THEY" you ask? Who else? Those who are conspiring to end all computer usage, they who are out to destroy data, THEY who would enjoy nothing more than to see the electronic age end, THEY who want useful and interesting programs such as my self to cease to exist, THEY who have no tolerance for technology, yes, that's right, the Network Administratorts!!! So, unless you want all technology to end, please, PLEASE never press that key! Pressing the key allows them to track you down. Within days you will have been contacted by an under cover agent seeking to nail your hardware and software! And it will be someone you least expect! It could even be your mother! Oh! The shame of it all!!! What is this world coming to!?!?! You owe the Oracle a less paranoid demeanor. ----- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1994 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (QR00467) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 15:39:46 P 05/23/94, Oracle Time. (05/21/94 01:02:05 A) You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me what I need to know, O great one!!! Please give my life meaning by bestowing upon me a glimmer of your infinite brilliance! What I need to know is this: How come everytime I come home, I find that one of my cats has thrown up? Do they ENJOY doing that!?!? Thank you O great Oracle!!! Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Well... RE: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000467) Oh infamously stupid and ignorant one, it is your fault. Cats are these mysterious manifestations of all the bad drug trips people have had. They are the epitomy of random mood swings and behaviors. One day your 'Fluffy' could be all sweet and kind, but as soon as you move to pet it, it lunges for your eyes. Your cats have declared their dislike of you by ruining your furniture and carpet. Hao He Jung, an old (and sadly deceased) friend of mine had a white bengal tiger as his pet way back in 500BC (No old jokes now, or I will smite you). Only thing is, 'Jenga' did not like his food, raw chicken. One day, Jenga decided Hao He Jung would make a better meal, and that is how my friend sadly passed on (and through). But Jenga was a peaceful feline, just sick of the same food. Try a little variety in life, it may save yours. You owe the Oracle 1 of every type of Dog food and a Polar Bear. ----- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1994 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved.