The following scroll contains messages which are considered to be the best of the most recent WWIVnet Oracle responses, as judged by the Seers of the Oracle. For more information on using the Oracle, write to ORACLE@4079 and put the word "HELP" in the title of the message. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (QR00472) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 14:00:56 P 06/10/94, Oracle Time. (06/07/94 20:34:16 P) You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh mighty oracle, tell me... OH Oracle, whose knowledge could fill up a 12 tetrabyte drive in a matter of nanoseconds, (even w/ windows running in the background) tell me this if you will.... What is the meaning of the little click that my keyboard has whenever I hit a key? The WiZard's Conclave -- Fidonet 1:3660/819 -- WWIVnet @29958 Official Support Board for Triumph Software and Seth Able Games. 919-523-3730 * 300 - 14.4k v32bis/v42bis/MNP * CD-ROM Online Thus spake the Oracle: Title: I really hate thinking of titles RE: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000472) Gather, children, and listen to me. I shall tell ye a story of the little people... the wond'rous little people that dwell inside each and every keyboard (with some exceptions, like those nasty membrane ones). Once upon a time, when we were all the same, the goddess of computers looked down and watched her creations and the mortals interacting. The mortals seemed pleased with the new devices, but many complained that the computers were too cold.. to impersonal... and a little scary. They wanted to feel like they were working WITH SOMEONE, instead of at something. So the goddess thought a little, and decided that not only would the mortals benefit from a little "inside help" as it were, but her computers would also run a little better (at least in theory). So she sent her little people to live inside computers everywhere. The little people, happy to serve their goddess, went to work immediately. The little click is the delighted squeals of the little people. And a freebee: bugs occur when the little people fall asleep on the job, or step in the wrong place. You owe The Oracle: some CDs for Our soon-arriving CD-ROM drive. ----- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1994 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (QR00475) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 14:01:03 P 06/10/94, Oracle Time. (06/08/94 20:43:04 P) You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me O great one!?!?!? Can you PLEASE tell me that which has been boggling my insignificant mind for centuries upon centuries?!?! What are the # and * buttons for on the telephone? Why are they there? Someone told me they do special phone service things, but I have a feeling theres more to it than that. Thank you great Oracle!! Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Pitiful Mortal... RE: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000475) Reply : Not needed Oh for the sake of Al G. Bell....how many more times must I keep answering that pitiful question about those extra buttons???? (only the Oracle knows the answer to that by the way ) You plight is simple, the # button on the telephone is there for the benefit of all the little phone pianists that parents have. (Children) This is so they can set their musical talents to new heights...it is for the sharp notes... But then, that much was obvious, or should have been... As for the "*" key, well, I am sorry to disappoint you....but that button is there ONLY for the usage of the Oracle when I need to call my friends. It is the Oracle's direct dial key, it does not work for anyone else. You owe the Oracle a lighted-neon telephone with Garfield on it. The WiZard's Conclave -- Fidonet 1:3660/819 -- WWIVnet @29958 ROPEnet @10 -- TradeWars 2002 v2b5 Reg. -- Ultimate Universe Reg. 919-523-3730 * 300 - 14.4k v32bis/v42bis/MNP * CD-ROM Online ----- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1994 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (QR00476) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 00:16:36 A 07/04/94, Oracle Time. (06/14/94 10:27:12 A) You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh mighty oracle...tell me Oh all seeing oracle, whose butt hairs do not catch toilet paper particles, give me some of your wisdom.... Will this dreaded reign of liberalism and the Clinton administration ever end before the year 1996? The WiZard's Conclave -- Fidonet 1:3660/819 -- WWIVnet @29958 Official Support Board for Triumph Software and Seth Able Games. 919-523-3730 * 300 - 14.4k v32bis/v42bis/MNP * CD-ROM Online Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Hmmmmmm..... RE: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000476) Well, mortal, I must say that your question concerns me. First off, it implies that you could do better. I sincerely doubt that. Secondly it implies that you would like it to change. This is more believable. Now that motive has been established, I can safely say that I think you're out for his job, and that you will attempt to change everything. Little mortal, If you could only understand the grander scheme, the one in which whistle blowers are highly rewarded, then you would understand why I have notified the Clinton Administration of your transgressions. Be expecting a visit from the NSA. You owe the Oracle a fixed election into the presidency. ----- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1994 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (QR00480) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 00:18:02 A 07/04/94, Oracle Time. (06/18/94 19:21:02 P) You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell Me oh Great one Is it rude to go to a food serveing establishment and ask to be seated as Jesus, Party of 13? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Oh RE: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000480) Well, even though you DIDN'T grovel, like a truly curious and pathetic non-Oracle should, I will answer your question (mainly, cause if I don't, well... I think the great Diety might get pissed) Are you threating not to answer a question? See? told you! No, Sir, I was just telling this mortal that he/she needs to grovel to make me feel important. Are you implying that you are important? Sir, you yourself said that we Oracles are highly important in the greater sceme of things! Did I? I must have forgotten. Well then, carry on. Actually, Sir, Could you help me out on this one, its kind of in your field. What? I suppose so, just this once. You really need to read up on Dieties. Sorry, sir. I've been busy. Well, Allright. Excuse me, this color sceme is a bit trying on the eyes. hold on. Ah, here we go. Allright, Well then, if you went into a restuarant and said you were Jesus, party of 13, and weren't, well, then it would be rude. But, if you WERE Jesus, (and if you are, you'd BETTER not be buying dinner for all those wild Diciple bunch again. I'm telling you, they're gonna get you into trouble!) Then it wouldn't be rude. You really should call ahead for a party of 13, but that depends on the restuarant. Also, I wouldn't reccomend trying that in Jewish restuarants, it might cause some problems. You owe the Oracle (Or the Diety in this case), a copy of the Necronomicon (I lost mine), and a 44 course meal. ----- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1994 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (QR00471) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 00:18:15 A 07/04/94, Oracle Time. (06/19/94 09:11:48 A) You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me... O great and wise one......... Great and wise Oracle, whose car is never soiled by passing ornithoids, please tell me this... Do those damn birds ENJOY damaging my paint? Or is there a greater purpose in them targeting my car even when I have not parked anywhere near a tree? Thank you great one! Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Re: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000471) RE: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000471) AH! This, is one the TRUE Great Conspiricies of big business. You see, some decades ago when the first independant autobody shops where opening up, one of the owners noticed that if he waited for accidents or mere natural rusting to occur then he would die a very poor man. But one day, as he was bemoaning his fate and this years huge tax write off, a bird spoke to him. It said that if body shop owners would build huge buildings with much overhanging eave in which to work, and the eaves be reserved for nesting, as low the great forests were gone and there was an avien housing shortage. Then He, the king of the birds would guarentee the body and paint shops of continuous work for is bird doo not one of the stickiest and most corosive substances in the universe? Owners of cars would scrape and scratch to remove the offending substance from their paint job and thereby give the shops much needed work. And so it is. You owe the Oracle a can of Acme Bird Bomb Blaster. ----- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1994 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (QR00479) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 00:18:38 A 07/04/94, Oracle Time. (06/23/94 20:06:50 P) You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell me... O great and wise one......... Great and wise Oracle, whose car is never soiled by passing ornithoids, please tell me this... Do those damn birds ENJOY damaging my paint? Or is there a greater purpose in them targeting my car even when I have not parked anywhere near a tree? Thank you great one! Thus spake the Oracle: Title: An answer to your question RE: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000479) Alas, oh follower of the Oracle, you have uncovered one of the great mysteries. Birds do in fact challenge your automobile soley for their pleasure. There exists a sport in their realm called "Tweet" where instead of clay pigeons large 1/2 ton automobiles are thrown away from trees and they must go poop on them. Bird are acutually the evolved species on this planet; we are merely the Tweet drivers. ----- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1994 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (QR00487) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 00:28:21 A 07/14/94, Oracle Time. (07/04/94 22:49:58 P) You said unto the Oracle: Title: Please tell me a story So I'll get sleepy at bedtime... ķ ͼ chn- rIsss @>->-- ôOs­Cijsa@29977GSA Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Oracle Answer... Re: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000487) There are many things one can do to obtain sleep at bedtime. One method is to get yourself rip-roaring drunk. The hangover the next morning may be bad however. Another method is to think up questions for the Oracle, and stay up all night doing this until you fall asleep at the keyboard. Or, you can participate in aincent religious ceremonies with some tribes in Africa. Other things one can do to ensure a night's sleep: * Build a nuclear device. * And use it on Haiti. * Get a night job and forward your salary to the President's legal defense fund. * Join the O.J. Simpson defense team. * Add a turbocharged engine to your car. and lastly: * Count sheep. You owe the Oracle the presidency of a small Asian country. ----- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1994 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (QR00481) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 00:29:36 A 07/14/94, Oracle Time. (07/06/94 11:27:29 A) You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me Oh great and pwoerful Oracle, who's socks never, ever, ever, get that nasty brown crust from wearing them too long and not washing them, please tell me the answer to my unimportant and immaterial question. Why is it that driver's licence pictures look so incredibiably horrible, even though you can spend hours beforehand in the bathroom making yourself look good? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: ANSWER to your question Regarding : The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000481) Driver's license photo machines are tools of the devil. Each and every time a person goes for a renewal of a licence, it is yet one more battle in the war between good and evil. You see, the "picture taking apparatus" is, in reality, a "soul stealer". Every picture that it takes, it takes on behalf of the Devil, who is trying yet again to collect souls for his dominion. The only reason you are here to ask about the lousy picture quality is this: If a lousy picture is taken by the machine, the Devil *cannot* capture that particular soul...and the unwary person who went to the DMV is never aware of the intense battle that has been raging between the forces of good and evil. If...on the other hand...the picture of you *had* been a true and accurate likeness...you would not be here asking the question. You, and your soul, would have been "gathered" into the machine, and all trace of you would have vanished from the earth. ----- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1994 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved.