The NeoScience Institute
Employment Prequalification Exam

All Content Copyright 1995-2000, Ed T. Toton III
All Rights Reserved.

Do you think you have what it takes to work for The Institute? Do you feel the urge to experiment with the workings of the universe? To create large explosions and perversions of nature? To raise the dead? To laugh maniacally? If so, then proceed on to the test below, and see how you measure up.

If you enjoy taking tests, you're very strange. However, we can help. If you pass this test, we can subject you to an aweful lot of other tests, and you can get paid for it if we're feeling generous. (please see the employment page for currently available positions. Hiring is by invitation only; no need to apply)

  1. How do you prefer to illuminate your work space?
    Flourescent lighting.
    Incandescent lights.
    Industrial work lights (halogen, metal halide, etc).
    Christmas lights, candles, torches, oil lamps, etc.
  2. What would you prefer to wear while working?
    Something casual.. Jeans, t-shirs, etc.
    Business casual, or a suit.
    A lab coat, perhaps with stains of blood or strange-colored fluids. Boots, goggles, and a dosimeter for good measure.
    A modified labcoat, and an array of headgear containing communications and visual enhancement capabilities as well as cool voice-echo effects, covered in blinky electronic devices and unidentifiable stains. Or, if you prefer, a cape, and a cane containing remote control devices, or sculpted into the form of your favorite carnivorous beast, or made from the bones of a previous arch-enemy.
    An impressive set of powered exoskeletal battle armor.
  3. Your significant other asks that you spend more time with him/her and less time on experiments. What do you do?
    Drop everything and save the relationship.
    Talk things through and reach a compromise.
    Ignore him/her and continue the work.
    Use him/her as a test subject.
    Replace him/her with an obedient clone.
  4. What sort of assistant would you prefer?
    A cute little intern.
    An intelligent college graduate.
    A well trained lab assistant.
    A psychotic or paranoid hunchback, midget, or troll.
    A neurotic android or robot with large pneumatic claws.
  5. Who do you draw the most inspiration from?
    Thomas Edison
    Carl Sagan
    Albert Einstein
    Richard Feynmann
    Nikola Tesla
  6. An elected official is about to promote a new law or bill that you disagree with. How would you prefer to handle it?
    Attempt to start a letter campaign.
    Leave threatening messages on his answering machine, or promise him large amounts of funds for his re-election campaign if he cooperates.
    Make threats that involve using your latest energy weapon, or promise him a position of power in the new order if he cooperates.
    Park your indestructible spacecraft over his home until he changes his mind.
    Replace him with a robot, or implant a mind control device in his brain.
  7. One of your underlings expresses some displeasure with the moral and ethical standing of your current plans. What do you do?
    Give him an explanation that is completely bogus, but sounds good on the surface.
    Fire him.
    Kill him.
    Assure him that his obedience will be well rewarded when your plans succeed.
    Flip the switch on your remote control that adjusts his attitude to "mindlessly loyal".
  8. An atomic bomb is counting down towards detonation. What do you do?
    Call the authorities and help with the evacuation.
    Assist in disarming the bomb.
    Run away!
    Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow.
    Flick the hidden switch that deactivates the bomb, and nonchalantly take it home.
  9. Where do you live?
    In a tasteful house, apartment, or condo.
    In my humble laboratory.
    In my well-stocked base, complete with laboratory, machine room, and a super-computer named "Daisy".
    A castle or cliff-side fortress, with plenty of roof area upon which to construct launch pads, or weapon turrets.
    In a space station or a base in a parallel dimension.
  10. You have captured your arch-enemy, and have him strapped down on an examination table. What happens next?
    I explain to him that it's all a misunderstanding, and then let him go.
    He breaks free, because I forgot to search him, and his concealed knife makes quick work of my restraints. Next time I'll remember to have the monster/robot watch over him.
    I threaten to kill him in a wonderfully creative way, but discover that somehow he has managed to set things into motion that make it difficult, if not impossible, to succeed in doing so.
    I explain to him everything about my elaborate plans, in excrutiating detail before attempting to drill holes in his head with a surgical laser through which to insert a fungus that renders human neurology susceptible to suggestion.
    I kill him immediately. I'm not stupid.
  11. What is the proper matter-antimatter intermix ratio?
    The what..?
    I skipped particle physics and quantum mechanics in school.
    I don't know off the top of my head. I use a calculator for everything.
    It's 1:1. Everyone knows that.
    I've invented a space-distortion device that renders traditional physics useless, so the point is moot.
  12. If you were pulled over by a police officer and he searched the trunk of your car, what would he be likely to find?
    A tire-iron, spare tire, jumper cables, etc.
    A tool kit, including an oxyacetalene torch.
    A portable super-computer.
    Body parts, some in various states of decay, and others still moving.
    A particle accelerator, or a warp field generator, or a mysterious black box emitting a humming sound and immeasurable amounts of flesh-mutating radiation.
  13. Who does your taxes?
    I do.
    I have an army of hired lawyers and accountants.
    I haven't paid taxes in years. I can show a substantial loss in all my businesses. Muahahah!
    Taxes? They have to find me first.
    The IRS knows better. Most of them work for me.
  14. What were your favorite subjects in school?
    Computer Programming.
    Biology and/or electrical engineering.
    Abnormal psychology/physiology, astronomy, chemistry.
    String theory, particle physics, quantum mechanics.
  15. Every mad scientist's style is unique. What sort of plan most suits your tastes?
    Create a monopoly of operating systems and/or business software solutions.
    Destroy any competing organizations so that your sales and projects can proceed uninhibited.
    Create a large explosive device or beam weapon and flaunt it relentlessly.
    Replace the world's leaders with brainwashed clones or radio-controlled androids.
    Create a toy craze with small robotic plush animals that rewire the neural patterns in human brains turning them into obedient lobotmized slaves.
  16. The authorities have just broken into your facility with guns drawn. What do you do?
    Surrender, and attempt to explain that they have the wrong person.
    Go down fighting.
    Flee through the back door.
    Escape at the last second with a rocket-powered vehicle, or some sort of secret teleportation device after gloating over your ability to slip through their fingers.
    Press the big red button and watch the carnage unfold, and afterwards order your robots or slaves to clean up the mess.
  17. What is often the first sign that an experiment of yours has gone awry?
    An error message on the computer.
    A really bad-smelling foam sprays out of the apparatus, or smoke fills the room.
    Something explodes, or everyone gets exposed to lethal doses of radiation.
    Your army of minions turns on you, or starts slaughtering people in the streets.
    The walls start to bleed, or a rupture in the space-time continuum creates a doorway through which hordes of demons start pouring into the lab.
  18. How do you ensure loyalty and motivation in your minions?
    A good dental plan and retirement package.
    High wages (just print more when needed)
    Threat of death or grotesque experimentation.
    Electronic implants.
  19. How would you describe your rivals?
    Rivalry is for children. I have no insecurities.
    Whoever has more money or politcal power.
    The secret goverment agencies.
    The mad scientist in the next castle over.
    Rivals? I have no rivals! Those fools thought they could stop me... they thought they could out do my best efforts? Hah! Really, they weren't fit to retype my lecture notes, and furthermore ...
  20. What are your favorite toys?
    The usual... Cars, stereos, TV sets, books, games, etc.
    Various electronic gizmos, such as calculators, computers, laser pointers, and virtual pets like Tamagotchi and Furby.
    Desk toys like magnetic levetation toys, lava lamps, plasma globes, fog machines, disco lights, HeNe lasers, etc.
    Science toys like VanDegraff generators, Tesla coils, Wimhurst electrostatic generators, pocket cyclotrons, gyroscopes, holography kits, etc.
    Perpetual motion machines, clones, slaves, cyborgs, sentient robots.
  21. How do you prefer to decorate your home/lab?
    Tasteful art, paintings, sculptures, pictures, etc.
    Computer and electronic equipment, and/or weapons (including swords, halberds, guns, etc).
    Large induction coils, heavy machinery, and devices with lots of flashy lights and pinging sounds.
    Lightning rods, grotesque gargoyles, anything that emits electrical arcs, examination tables, surgical machines, torture devices, shackles, skeletons...
    All of the above.
  22. What is your idea of gardening?
    Genetically engineered plants.
    A hedge maze.
    Bizarre mutant alien man-eating plants.
    A hedge maze made of bizarre mutant alien man-eating plants.
  23. Your best friend is...
    An old friend from high school or college.
    A co-worker.
    A robot or hideous creature.
    An effective guinea pig.
    A wonderful scapegoat.
  24. As a kid, what was your favorite activity?
    Playing with friends.
    Starting fires.
    Chemistry experiments resulting in explosions.
    Generating anti-matter, or experimental neurosurgery.
    Raising the dead, or travelling through time, or creating a new strand of flesh-eating bacteria.
  25. Complete this sentence. I secretly yearn to...
    Become a respected scientist.
    Become a mad scientist.
    Take over the world through deceit and gradual shifts of power acheived through brilliant innovations and marketing schemes.
    Take over the world with an army of cybernetic robots with human brains.

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Some of the questions were inspired by another test that we found on the web. We felt that some of the priorities were wrong in that test, and that it wasn't comprehensive enough. Therefore, we created our own for our own purposes. Don't like it? Too bad. You can see the test we're referring to here.