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Articles from the Institute's youth

The NeoScience Institute: Dedicated to Mad Science,
and to finding the truth, no matter how false it might be.


The Way It Is, Periodical: Volume 1.
Copyright © 1992 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved.

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[ Cow Exploding ]

Yes, that's right. It's me again. What? You don't remember me? Was all that writing I did in "The Way It Is" for nothing?? Well, it matters not, for now I have a new publication!! Although the word "periodical" may not be entirely accurate. This is the first in a new line of text. There will be more scientific studies, updates, excerpts of the book of the cosmos, and answers to all of those annoying questions that plague your insignificant mind.

Today's topic is "Cow Exploding". Many of us have heard of the fabled hobby for extrmely bored children of farmers. Several college fraternities also claim that they use this as a form of initiation. Of course farmers the farmers who say they have had this done to their cattle aren't terribly pleased.

But the matter at hand is whether or not this hobby actually exists, and can it possibly be done? There are many who claim to have done it, and a few farmers complain that they have found their cow's balls in the food trough. On the other hand, many farmers say they have noticed no loss of cattle, and what few eye-witnesses there are often have questionable credibility. There may also be some scientific evidence showing it may be at the very least extremely difficult, bordering on impossible to achieve.

Now what exactly is "Cow-Exploding?" Well, the way it works is that the person waits until night, and then tries to blow up the bovine as it sleeps. As we all know, cows sleep standing up, much like horses. During this time, they are quite oblivious to all external stimuli, thus facilitating the stealthy act of sneaking up on it. Once the the exploder gets close enough to the explodee, a large tube is inserted into the cow's mouth. The other end is attached to a huge nuclear powered air compressor, which is then switched on. If everything is done correctly, the cow blows apart into millions of miniscule fragments.

One fraternity at the University of Wayitism in Columbia, Maryland says that they drive out to a local farm to do cow exploding after final exams, and to initiate new members. They also maintain that they have plans to implement a new anti-matter cannon so as to be able to obliterate the poor beast at long range.

One member of the fraternity recounts his tale, "Yeh, I did it. We had nothin' better to do. We used my friend's pickup, and we loaded the nuclear air compressor, and went to the farm. I ran up to the sucker very slowly, and then rammed the sucker in the nostrils with my hose, and hit the switch. The sucker blew so hard I got thrown into the compressor and broke my back. Fortunately all I had to do was sit still for a few minutes and I felt fine. But I can't say the same for the beef-bits that were all over the place, let me tell you!"

Skeptics (or was that septics?) say that this account is ludicrous simply because what would be left over could hardly be considered "beef-bits", but rather a more appropriate term would be "Bloody flesh nuggets". "Beef-bits" implies that the entire animal was composed of muscle. This is not entirely true, since everyone knows that cows have bones. The other reason that this account is not plausible is because the nuclear air-compressors can't fit on a pick-up truck.

Further evidence to support that cows are in fact being annihilated is that almost everyone who works with cattle complains of cattle mutilation. Also, some report finding scattered bits of soft red stuff being scattered throughout their fields. And a few claim they witnessed people running across their property, dragging nuclear power supplies along.



Since this information was first brought to light, we have received a few comments from various members of the community. They follow below.


Hey, you know this is all fake! There's no way you could possible do that! Cow's don't sleep standing up! They snooze a little, and are EASILY awakened! You can't sneak up on it! When they want to go into a REAL sleep they lie down! And when they lie down, their own weight is enough to keep you from blowing them to bits with compressed air! You would have to somehow put the entire nuclear power thing inside the cow and detonate it!


Thank you for your reply. We have one thing to say though. Hey! You insignificant quagmire with runtime errors! It's a NUCLEAR powered air compressor. It will blow up anything that is fully enclosed, such as lungs, unless a passageway opens straight through the cow, and the air simply blows out the other end (which they do alot anyway).


I have actually seen a cow blow up. I saw the nuclear power plant, but I wasn't near enough to see if the hose was hooked up, and there was some flame involved. I think they used dynamite. But I can't figure out how they got the fool-creature to eat it.


Interesting. However there is a flaw with your story. Why would they bring a nuclear air-compressor if they weren't going to use it? Those things are heavy! And it is physically impossible to get dynamite into a cow unless it is surgically placed there. One reason for this is that they usually have too much cud in the way. The other reason is because ole bessy is hardly expected to stand there and help.


Further testing is definitely in order, and we're funding a $5 project to get a difinitive answer as to whether or not this stuff really works. Some claim that if it did work, then there would be irreperable damage done to the space-time continuum.

Right now our tendancy is to say that it DOES work, and that there are many socially deprived souls out there who actually gain some kind of amusement from taking on this pathetic activity as a hobby. It boggles the mind how one can put a hose in a cow's mouth without waking it, and sneak up to it carrying a nuclear power plant.

One final note- Do NOT try this at home! Try it at a friend's house. These things are dangerous. If the cow notices you, it may bite your head off. Likewise, if you turn on the compressor too early, you're likely to get blown onto the next continent.

And that's the way it is...

Continue to 'Cosmic Runtime Errors'

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