The NeoScience Institute

----====[ From NeoScience Institute ]====----
[ Cosmic Run-time Errors ]

Hello. Today we will talk about the universe and various experiments that have been done to ascertain the nature of it. We all know the universe is big, and that it exists. We know there is matter and energy. But what it all comes down to is a few simple questions, with no answers. Some examples are "What is the universe?", "Where did it come from?", "How does it work?", and "Where can I get pizza delivered in 10 minutes?". We will try to explain as best we can with the theories that have been developed.

I'm sure most of you remember your science teacher in grade school telling you that if you take two seperate objects of different sizes and weights, and drop them, they'll hit the ground at the same time. Well, some scientists were experimenting using that principle, and a startling accident was involved. They dropped two rubber balls from a height of 42 meters, and one ball lodged itself between the slabs of concrete in the sidewalk, and the other bounced high into the air. When the ball reached a height of 42 meters (not bad, most of the time you lose some energy to friction!) the whole area froze, standing still in time. Anyone or anything that enters the area gets stuck. The area has been sealed under a concrete dome to keep anyone from meeting this unfortunate demise.

What happened? Well, most scientists agree it was a cosmic run-time error. Whoever (or whatever) designed this crummy universe made some mistakes. We know that the velocity of the ball had something to do with it. Some scientists think it was a "Division by zero" error, while others think it was a "stack overflow". Some believe that the area of space in proximity to the ball got stuck in an infinite loop while trying to calculate the next position of the ball. Remember, it DID come ALL the way back up to the point from which it was dropped.

We had an interview with Dr. Dunkmeister, the reknowned researcher who discovered the incongruities of transdimensional reletivistic pigeons reaching high velocities in the troposphere:

DD: "Yes, that's correct. By the way, those pigeons can absolutely obliterate a car from that altitude. Anyway, MY feeling is that the cosmic compiler is seriously flawed. We already have strong evidence to support this. After all, what kind of FUNCTIONAL system would generate a platypus?? Who would ever have thought of that pathetic mix of species? No one in their right mind would have invented such a thing on purpose. By the way, did you know that flying squirrels learned to fly by watching air-planes?"

Me: "Are you sure that can be considered evidence?? After all, YOU exist and you aren't questioning THAT!"

DD: "Point taken. But really, there is much evidence to support many theories. I just happen to favor mine."

Me: "Well, that's hardly reasonable."

DD: "Will you let me finish????"

Me: "Oh sorry."

DD: "Thank you. Did you know that if you step into a pond you can actually see into the ultraviolet range?"

Me: "No, and you're getting off subject.."

DD: "Uhh.. Anyway, we have found that there really is no such thing as a 'fabric' of space. It's more like a 'code' of space. We believe that we all exist in a 32-bit universe. I bet you didn't know that, did you? Hardly up to standard. We're getting more and more obsolete each year. There are 128-bit computers on the market as we speak! That means that they EXCEED the capablilities of the universe in which they exist. This means that limits actually are not limits, and infinity is truly infinite."

Me: "I see. So you are saying that we are binary data?"

DD: "I didn't say that."

Me: "Well, what ARE you saying then??"

DD: "The point is, the universe DOES make mistakes. The fact that a whole sector crashed proves this. We must ALL be careful of what we do, or else we may lock up the entire universe."

Me: "Is there any hope for those who get trapped in a cosmic run-time error?"

DD: "We think so. We think things will kick back into working order in about 10 or 20 thousand years. We'll have to wait and see."

Me: "Well, even the lower end of that is pretty long."

DD: "True enough. We think there is also another possibility, and that is to generate a solar system interrupt. As far as we know, there are millions of interrupt handlers throughout the RAV (Random Access Void). Accesing one could solve some problems. One of the biggest difficulties however is that there is no way to know for sure what a particular interrupt is going to do, and what it's purpose is."

Me: "Yes, that does sound like a problem. What do you think the consequences would be if we were to try and mess up?"

DD: "I'll bet you didn't know that pickled herring is a hallucinogen."

Me: "I asked a question."

DD: "Oh, yeh, sorry. Oh lord, we're talking TOTAL continuum failure. Whole sectors going bad, lost clusters, planetary allocation break-down. We're talking Armageddon."

Me: "So our only acceptable options are to do it right or not at all."

DD: "Correct."

Me: "Ok, thank you for being with us to..."

DD: "By the way, it's very kind of you to invite me here."

Me: "Yes, you're welcome, anyway, thanx for.."

DD: "Did you know that launching lizard eggs into orbit is harmful to the ozone layer?"

Me: "No, but We really do need to get going..."

DD: "And mulch is a carcinogen. Also, Electricity actually comes from cows, just like milk!! And cheese is actually mined from the moon!"

[Dr. Dunkmeister was then heard screaming useless science
trivia as the security guards escorted him out.]

And that's the way it is...