The NeoScience Institute

----====[ From NeoScience Institute ]====----
[ The Sun ]

Today's topic is the sun, that mysterious ball of light that appears in the sky each day, and vanishes during the night. What exactly is the sun? Where does it go after sunset? Who created it? These are some questions we hope to address during the course of this presentation.

The sun has been an object of religion and superstition throughout human history. In ancient times, it was worshipped, and even defended from eclipses through the use of bows and arrows. But times have changed. We know it is not an entity, nor does it need our help. But there are many questions yet to be answered.

As we all know, the sun is the energy source for the entire planet, and without it there would be no life, and more importantly, no chocolate (cocoa beans come from living plants). So to try to understand the sun better, many probes have been launched into low orbits around the sun. All the probes have proven is that the sun is big and bright, as if we couldn't tell.

Many studies have been done to ascertain the chemeical components of the sun, and to observe sun spot activity. This is done with telescopes. Unfortunately, each study uses up an astronomer, since the poor fool's eyes get burned out during the research. So we've recently funded a project to try and make "disposable astronomers", and until then telescope research is on hold.

The most recent work has been done with satellites equipped with all kinds of very expensive obsolete hardware. Results have been sparse, but the most astounding and earth-shattering find was that the sun is just like most other stars! We always suspected the sun was a star, but now it has been proven! But this is nothing compared to what information we need for the research to continue.

So, how can we get the kind of real hard facts that we need? Well, below is the first report from the world's first manned mission to the sun, received a couple weeks ago.

Incoming Transmission, Jupiterdate: Now?...

Uhh... You mean we were supposed to go to the sun?

End Transmission.

Well, below is the first report from the world's SECOND manned mission to the sun, received only a few hours ago..

Incoming Transmission, stardate 123...

Well, we made it here alive. This place is REALLY hot! Three of our team members have already melted, and it's not getting any cooler. We've think that the sun is made of glow-in-the-dark silly putty that undergoes a massive nuclear reaction. The fact that it is glow-in-the-dark stuff accounts for the extra light the sun gives off, because nuclear fusion is insufficient.

We have spotted what appears to be a life form. I guess you could call them "sun worms" or "glow worms". They glow a bright orange or yellow, and dart around on the surface of the sun. We've found that they are somehow associated with sun-spots, since a few hours ago during an increase in sun-spot activitiy, they all transformed into Elvis Impersonators and started chasing us with belt-sanders. When the sun-spots died down, they returned to their former state.

We intend to bring a few sun-worms home for study, and to do so we have prepared a large "solarium". It's something like an aquarium, except it holds star-stuff instead of water.

We also noticed that sun spots look dark because they are actually regions of the sun's surface that get's flooded with large black rectangular objects, with 1x4x9 dimensions. These objects hover and float about within the region, and vanish as mysteriously as they appeared.

There is one sun-spot in particular that really bothered us, since it never goes away, so we decided to take a look into it. It is interesting, because this one is very different than the others. Instead of being made up of many black rectangular things, it is one large metal sphere the size of a moon embedded into the sun's surface. In a way it is rather disturbing, because the words "Death Star" were scrawled out upon the side of this immense object. Our best guess is that this was some kind weapon intended to destroy our sun, but obviously turned out to be a dud. Are there aliens out there who want us dead? Only time will tell.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiigiiaihhhhhhhhhhhhh....... [splat!]

My apologies for the interruption, another person melted.

We found a solar flare. They aren't all they're cracked up to be. Apparently they're constructed about the same as those used on the road-side after a car accident. They only look so big becuase a couple million are set off at once. The one we found is obviously a dud.

The solar wind is extraordinarily strong. It blew our tents away within minutes after setting them up. Luckily our ship is very stream-lined, and has a decent mass, or else we'd all be looking for the ship now instead of transmitting this report. I love these new etherdynamic ships.

End Transmission.

Actually, considering the recent budget problems in the government, it is quite fortunate that the mission to the sun actually went through on time. The president was strongly motivated. In one speech he said "It is my plan, that by the end of this decade, to send a manned mission to the sun, and return at least one of the crew members safely back to the earth. If not to the Earth, then at least to Earth orbit, from where we can salvage as much of the ship as possible."

And that's the way it is...