The NeoScience Institute

----====[ From NeoScience Institute ]====----
[ Automated Tombs ]

Hello, and welcome. It is time for another one of these horrible morbid periodical satires. Ok, so maybe it's not so periodical, perhaps erratic is a better term.

Today's topic is automated tombs, which are quickly becoming the latest fad, especially now that the scandal has been exposed about that one company that did cryogenic stasis on people after death, and how they would use them in their line of frozen dinners instead of saving them for centuries.

So just what is an "Automated Tomb?" Well, we decided to take a look into just that, and what we found is quite interesting. To help explain the situation, we've invited Dr. Morbimancer here to be interviewed. The dialogue follows:

ME:  Greetings Doctor Morbimancer. May I call you Morbi? 

DM:  No.

ME:  Great, so tell me Mister Morbi, fill us in on what automated tombs
     actually are.

DM:  Ok. Automated Tombs have actually been around for a good number of 
     years, but it's only recently that people have taken a real liking 
     to them. These new tombs are designed to outlast the human race. An 
     atmosphericly controlled environment is essential to long lasting
     preservation of body tissue, so the temperature, lighting, oxygen
     ratios, and moisture must be controlled carefully. In addition, the
     air is filtered to remove bacteria and dust.

ME:  Ah, so it's a modern technological way of mummification, right?

DM:  We're not just mummifying people. We believe in preserving the body
     as it was at death, and so no embalming is performed.

ME:  Well, what energy source does the machinery use?

DM:  Well, the NecroComp-1 system used batteries, a couple of nine-volt
     dry cells to be exact. But for the past few years we've been using 
     the new state of the art NecroComp-2, which has a small fusion 
     reactor built in. Once the fuel is almost used up, the tomb becomes 
     mobile to search for more energy sources.

ME:  How long does it take to run out?

DM:  Oh, about a hundred years. But with the new energy-saver caskets 
     we're selling, you can extend that to about two hundred.

ME:  I see, so in another century or two we will see tombs suddenly rise 
     up out of the ground and move around, drive down our streets, and 
     pull into a gas station before returning to the cemetary?

DM:  Who said anything about going back to the cemetary? But yes, that 
     is what will basically happen. And if no gas stations are to be 
     found, it can chop down trees, drill miniature oil-wells, and use 
     it's solar panels. If it gets really critical, it has a last resort 
     device, which will launch the casket into intersellar space. The 
     casket is equipped with nuclear batteries and solar cells. It's 
     not as effective as the entire tomb assembly, but it works.

ME:  This all sounds quite interesting, but what is the point?

DM:  The point is that someday you might "wake up" and will of course want
     to be looking your best. To make this worth while, each tomb comes 
     with a fifty year money-back garauntee, a bone-polishing kit, and 
     all kinds of modern conveniences, such as plastic-coating sprays to 
     enable you to leave the tomb and not rot instantly. The computer also
     provides you with a conversational companion, and responds to voice 
     commands. In fact, our new designer models are quite ingeneous.

ME:  I see. But what if one can't afford all of this?

DM:  That's the great part. We now have multi-person sets. Your whole 
     family, street, city, or whatever, can all buy a group-tomb. And 
     with the designer set, it really makes it quite a deal. All of 
     the corpses are arranged in an asthetically pleasing manner, and 
     a large variety of color coordinated caskets are available.

ME:  But what if one of them wakes up, and the rest are still down and out?

DM:  No problem. The system is equipped with a laser security system. No
     stiff is allowed to enter another corpse's area, or else they'll get
     shot.

ME:  Wouldn't that hurt?

DM:  Nah, they're dead!

ME:  But wouldn't someone be cut off from the door?

DM:  Yes. What we've done is set it up such that the computer will 
     deactivate the security system once everyone is up and about. In 
     the meantime, there is a vast library of reading material, music, 
     and TV shows stored in the computer, and every casket is equipped 
     with a screen and headphones.

ME:  With all this technology, isn't there the possibility that someone
     will try to break in?

DM:  Of course! That's why no one may enter without authorization from a 
     corpse. All of the dead guys have a record on file in the computer, 
     so that the computer can identify them. Anyone who tried to gain 
     entry without the aid of an authorized stiff will get hit with a 
     reactor purge.

ME:  But it's not just the tombs you've been working on, right?

DM:  Correct. We realize that in the process of dying, many people's 
     bodies are damaged to a great degree. Also, waking up doesn't always
     mean you'll have full use of your body. So we build in to each body 
     small joint actuators, which are then linked to the skull. To make 
     sure each one works, we walk the dead person around via remote 
     control for a few days. And to make sure it works as well as we 
     would like, we try to make the remote controlled body seem as real 
     as possible, and thus make them interact with people in public. 
     The technology is so refined that you can't tell the difference. At 
     least not much, they may appear to be tired or sluggish. Once we're 
     satisfied, we remove the radio receiver, and put them into their 
     new home.

ME:  So even everyday people you meet on the streets may actually be dead?

DM:  Yep. It will truly be a grand sight. Within the next few decades we 
     will see the first of the awakenings, as well as a few mobile tombs. 
     The dead will be among us. No more saying "goodbye" and "farewell" 
     to loved ones, instead we'll be saying, "until next time." Yes, I do 
     believe people prefer this over being a part of a hand-burger, or a 
     finger-sandwich, or leg of man, or man-chops, or even foot sub. So, 
     would you like to buy an automatic tomb?

ME:  Where do I sign?