The NeoScience Institute

----====[ From NeoScience Institute ]====----
[ Product Reviews ]

Well, here at the lab, we've always thought extremely highly of quality (and quantity, but that's a different story). We also hate it when we see people praising products that any half-brained moron who can't tie his own shoe laces can see isn't worth the materials it was constructed from.

So what is our answer to this metaphysical dilemma? Product reviews! Yes, every now and then (when we feel like it) we will actually write about various new products that are either quite good, or are bad enough that you must be warned about before you make a fool of yourself.

Since this is the first of our Product Reviews, don't feel bad if you were mistaken about the value of any one product. You'll eventually get the hang of it (and pigs will fly, and hell will freeze over too, which we intend to prove in a later issue of this literature).

Magnetic Floppy Irons:

The first product in the review is the Magnetic Floppy Iron, made by Blue & Becker Corp.

Don't you hate it when something important is on one and only one floppy disk, and it has gotten wrinkled? Don't you hate it when you stick that wrinkled disk into the computer and get a "Disk Read Error" message, and then discover that the disk is now stuck in the computer?

Well, the Magnetic Floppy Iron is for you if you answered either "yes" or "no" to the above. The MFI is designed to steam-press the floppy disk using a powerful magnetic field, such that your data may be completely intact once the disk has been flattened out.

The MFI uses 50 D-sized dry-cell batteries, and a butane canister, for a maximum of two minutes of use. Just turn it on, rub it heavily over the surface of the floppy disk, and in a matter of days the disk returns to normal.

The only drawbacks are that the disks no longer have a magnetic surface anymore since it is all stuck on the MFI, and also great care must be taken due to the fact that the magnetic fields are strong enough to pull the hemoglobin right out of your blood.

All in all, the product is easy to use, and falls within safety limits for children to use. It flattens the disks, as advertised. It uses a little more power than we expected, but we are quite pleased. We definitely recommend it to anyone who has disks that need to be fixed, and anyone who hates all that nasty red hemoglobin.

Spam-Surge Protectors:

The next item up for review is the Spam-Surge Protector. Have you ever sat down for dinner to find that someone left the spam container open? Then of course you know what happens afterwards right? The spam begins to grow and metabolize your furniture. Eventually it gets too big to keep as a pet, and it has to go! Another perfectly good day gone to waste.

The SSP was designed for exactly that. It was made to aid those who have left a spam container open only to return and find that the furniture has been devoured. Simply keep it on the counter in your kitchen, and keep it plugged in. It uses about four kilowatts, and uses an intense radiation field to keep the nasty slimy stuff from growing. If the spam becomes mobile, the SSP will fire a laser as warning shots. If the spam continues to move, the SSP will not hesitate to open fire with short range anti-matter missiles.

In our tests, the SSP proved quite effective. It managed to keep the spam at bay until we turned it off. Even then it kept the situation under control, as it has a built-in backup power-supply that it constantly recharges while plugged in. We felt that some improvements could be made, since it considers humans to be spam also. That's how one of our technicians managed to get himself killed this week. Our tests also showed that only forty six percent of the time did the kitchen remain visibly identifiable as such. The rest of the time somewhere between five and eighty percent of the kitchen was destroyed.

Despite it's shortcomings, it is our opinion that the SSP is indeed a very valuable appliance that every home should have. Even if you don't have spam, it is still of use. The SSP makes an effective security system, and looks nice. Also there have been numerous sightings of wild spam-blobs roaming the streets. Everyone's home should be prepared for this threat.

Sonic Llama Detectors:

Our last review in this issue is about the Sonic Llama Detector. The SLD was designed for those of you who have misplaced your llamas. Using a high-powered sonic emmitter, this device outputs an intense barrage of sound at the natural resonance frequency for llama skulls.

The SLD is quite easy to use. Simply hook it to your pocket fusion generator, turn it on, and you are set to go. Simply walk around the house and slowly aim the device at every nook and cranny you can think of. When you hear a loud bang and see llama brain tissue flying all over the place, you have found your llama.

While the SLD is often quite fun to use, and recent statistics show that over sixty percent of home owners lose thier llamas at least once a month, we still must say that the dang thing needs work before anyone should buy it. It would be nice to keep a llama alive once in a while. Don't get me wrong, we really like the new speckled red patterns on the walls here at the lab, and we really enjoyed testing this product, it simply isn't worth the money. However, with a few improvements, and a slight drop in price, the SLD could easily become one of your favorite household appliances.

We hope you find this product review as helpful as it was costly to us. In the future we hope to do more of this, since we feel it is our duty to act as the brains for today's society. Ok, so I'm under estimating the intelligence of the average person, but it's fun! I really wish you could know what it is like for us here at the lab. People are friendly here. They don't look at you with big mean scary faces. I like the food too. We all get to wear these neat white coats. They call them lab-coats. Sometimes we get the wrong coats. They are a bit more restrictive, with these long straps that keep your arms from moving. I don't like those coats. Hey, where's everyone going? It's time to go home? Yay! Bye!

And that's the way it is...