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The NecroBones EVIL-Test

How EVIL are you?

NecroBones Enterprises
(tm) Ed T. Toton III, 1994

So, you want to see just how evil you are, eh? Well, we feel no obligation to you whatsoever, nor do we have any specific reason to fulfill your perverse thoughts and feelings. However, we will oblige and provide this test for your evil tendencies. Go ahead, take the test. Prove what you will to yourself. Let your soul be damned, and get started!! By the way, none of this information is saved or sold. You trust us, don't you? (heh, heh, heh)

Note: This test has a slant towards computer use in the mid-90's, since it was originally made back when you could assume that anyone browsing the web had a certain amount of computer-literacy and geeky tendancies.

  1. Which is the most favorable activity?
    Stomping on flowers
    Drowning puppies
    Global domination and enslavement
    Galactic domination and enslavement in order to drown puppies and gardening flowers for the express purpose of stomping on them.
  2. Why are you taking this test?
    To prove I'm not evil
    I'm worried that I might be evil
    Because I want to, damn it!
    This test is lame, you have no idea what TRUE EVIL is!!
  3. Death is ...
    Something to be avoided
    Here to stay
    Something I can offer efficiently
    A way of life
    Yes... So what's the question?
  4. What operating system do you use?
    Unix, Linux, BSD, Solaris, etc
    DOS or OS/2
    Windows (3.1, NT, 95, 98, etc)
    Dull Ginsu (autoclaved...if I feel like it.)
  5. What browser are you using?
    I don't use a browser, I don't even like the World Wide Web or the Internet. (liar!)
    Netscape Navigator/Communicator
    Mosaic or Lynx
    Microsoft internet explorer
    AOL's built-in browser, or any other not listed
  6. What is your favorite text-editor?
    Pico, DOS's EDIT, or a DOS-based word processor
    Windows notepad, or any DOS based programming language
    Any windows word processor, Vi, or anything other than those listed here
    Any windows-based programming language
    EMACS, Microsoft Word, Edlin, or any unix editor not listed
  7. Which best describes your job?
    Manual labor (i.e. no brains required)
    Secretary, sales, or anything other than those listed (you're a nobody)
    Reasearch and Development, Science, literature, writing, art, dancing, music, acting (in other words, free thought)
    Administrative, Software programming or development, SysAdmin, SysOp, NetAdmin, WebMaster (in other words, control)
    Operative for the Administration and Enforcement of Natural Selection. (survival of the fittest)
  8. Isn't life wonderful?
    Oh, yes!
    No, life sucks
    I'll make your life a living hell
    All life shall pay for the crime of living!
    Can't kill without it... *sigh*
  9. How many children do you have?
    One or two
    Three to Five
    Six or more
    Born or surviving?
  10. How many wives/husbands do you have currently?
    Two or Three
    Four or more
    None, they're all dead.
  11. Evil is...
    Something to be stamped out
    Simply there.
    Quite pleasant
    My responsibility as an able-bodied being
  12. Who did you vote for?
    The creator of this test
    Charles Manson
    O.J. Simpson
  13. What do you think of weapons?
    Thye're OK for self-defense
    I hope I don't need to use my arsenal
    Find me a target, NOW!
    They're MINE!!! All mine!! Muhahahah!!!
    Who needs weapons? I *am* weapons.
  14. If you had to choose a form of public service, which would it be?
    Planting trees, Building houses for the homeless, or Feeding the hungry
    Removing graffiti, Cleaning the streets, Reporting druggies or drunk drivers
    Serving a political party or political campaign
    Propaganda, Controlled breeding of humans, or Martial law
    Biological weapons development.
  15. A close friend comes to you in tears because...?
    He/She wants to be consoled over a difficult break-up or loss of a loved one, and consolation is something which you can freely give.
    He/She wants support on a difficult break-up or loss of a loved one, but you are unsure how to show compassion.
    He/She just broke up with his/her significant other, or He/She just lost his/her job. Either way, it is because of you.
    He/She does not understand why you are being so mean and cruel to him/her
    The insignificant worm is shackled to the floor and you are the only source of human interaction, food, and water.
  16. Have you ever stolen anything?
    Just office supplies and small toys when I was young
    All the time!
    Yeh, components for explosives, neuro-toxins, and nuclear material
  17. What do you do at parties?
    Have a good time and socialize
    Spike the punch with alcohol
    Spread rumor and innuendo, so that the party ends in raging arguments
    Spike the punch with poison, or with something that mutates people into horrendously disfigured monsters.
    Have a good time and lobotomize.
  18. What do you want to do with your life?
    Raise a family
    Become a hired killer, raise the dead, or spread disinformation
    Take over the world
    Annihilate the biosphere
    Ask people, "What do you want?"
  19. Are you happy?
    I'm not sure
    I don't understand the question
    That would be telling...
  20. As a child (perhaps still?) I...?
    Played quietly
    Pulled wings off of flies
    Burned things
    Drowned or ignited furry animals
    Annexed Australia or a western continent
  21. Your boyfriend or girlfriend threatens to leave if you don't become less evil, what do you do?
    Clean up your act
    Look him/her in the eye and calmly say "Bye!"
    Resort to throwing punches
    Replace all his/her coffee with decaf.
    Remind him/her that there is no problem that can't be solved by the proper application of high explosives
  22. You have been wronged by a co-worker, what do you do?
    Turn the other cheek
    Have a talk
    Intercept his/her tax return and replace it with a hate letter to the IRS.
    It would never happen, I make preemptive strikes
    Replace the person's sleeping pills with stimulants, and the person's caffiene with laxatives, and the person's eye-drops with either sulphuric acid or necrotizing bacteria.
  23. Your boss is...?
    Not just my boss, but a co-worker, and a friend
    In my way
    Soon to be eliminated
    A wonderful scapegoat.
  24. Revenge is...?
    Not the way to go
    A dish best served cold
    A dish best served with a smile.
    My favorite past-time, in fact I thirst for it
    So sweet when it is taken out on the perpetrator, and extended to children, wives, husbands, parents, pets, stereo equipment, cars, pictures, and anything else that presents itself to your eye.
  25. How do you feel about nuclear disarmament?
    It is one of the best decisions made by humanity
    Aw, man! Sorry to see the nukes go.
    It is the bane of all things evil!!
    No! This can't be happening!!! Nooooo!!!!!!!
    It makes the world safe for more conventional weapons.
  26. War is...?
    Cool, yeah yeah!
    Let's go, buddy!
    Give me the red button, I dare you!
    OK for those who lack subtlety and finesse.
  27. You and your mate are trapped in a cave.
    We'll find a way out, together
    I'm ready to ditch him/her, as long as I can get out alive
    Forget him/her! I'm outa here, I don't need any help!
    A captive audience...time to dredge up all those puns...
    He/She is looking awefully tasty...
  28. You have been given a Rubik's Cube...
    I give up
    I'll solve it, eventually
    Where's my hammer?
    Where's my 12-guage?!? Bring it now, woman!
  29. Food is...?
    One of life's pleasures
    Nothing special
    It takes up too much time!
    It keeps me strong so that I may do what needs to be done...
    Just another tool.
  30. What do you think of Bill Gates?
    He is evil, and should be destroyed
    I have no opinion
    I like him
    I want to be just like him
    I buy all his products, without every resorting to software piracy.
  31. What about O.J. Simpson?
    He is guilty, and should have been executed.
    He is guilty, but I'm glad he's free!
    I helped him.
    He's got my vote!
    Not only can't he hide, he can't even run all that well any more.
  32. What kind of music do you like the best?
    Gospel, Folk
    Pop/Rock, Classical
    New age, Progressive
    Country, Jazz
    Rap, Heavy metal, Opera
  33. Do you have any pets?
    Yes, and I step on them a lot
    Not anymore, not after "the incident"
    Do the Spice Girls count?
  34. What computer games do you like?
    I don't play computer games
    I only play solitaire and other virtual card games
    I play role-playing games and puzzle games.
    Oh, I love most computer games
    Yeah! Doom! Duke Nukem! Diablo!! Yeah!!!
  35. Do you do any software programming?
    No, I'm a computer illiterate
    I know computers fairly well, but still don't program
    Yeh, I write software, but only because I have to
    I program software for fun!
    I prefer "wetware" programming.
  36. How many programming languages do you know?
    One or Two
    Three to Five
    Six or more
    Let's see... electroshock therapy, hallucinogen megadosage, Scientology, labotomy...
  37. In my spare time, I'm a...?
    Couch potato, mouse potato, or both
    Used car salesman
    Game-show host
    Phone salesman or Lawyer
  38. Is it OK to hit someone?
    It's never OK!
    Only when they hit you first
    Yes, whenever the urge strikes.
    Yes, in fact you should go out of your way to do so.
    Yes, but preferably with somebody else's car.
  39. Do you consider yourself evil?
    Who wants to know? What's it to you?
    It's all in how you look at it.
  40. Is killing wrong?
    Well, I guess not.
    No, it's OK.
    Hell NO! You should be shot for even asking.
  41. What do you do when you see a nun in public?
    Say "hello"
    Give her the "evil eye"
    Fondle her or spit on her
    Tempt her.
    Tempt her, and succeed.
  42. Do you go to church? (or temple, or whatever)
    Yes, but only to cause mischeif
    Yeh, to burn them down!
    No, I send my subordinates for the protection payments.
  43. How many commandments have you broken?
    One or two
    Three to five
    Six or seven
    Eight or more
  44. Do you support free speech on the net?
    Not really
    Free speech? Next thing you know everyone will want FREE WILL.
    No freedom for anyone, except ourselves!
  45. What sort of non-computer games do you play?
    Monopoly and other mundane games
    Cards (poker, blackjack, etc)
    Sports of all kinds
    Dungeons and Dragons, or various other role-playing games
    B&D, S&M, or various similar role-playing games.
  46. Which is your favorite of the following activities?
    Smelling the roses
    Putting rose thorns in people's coffee when they're not looking
    Starting fires
    Playing with people's minds and twisting their emotions
    Experimental neurosurgery not sanctioned by the AMA.
  47. How much money do you make?
    Less than $10,000 a year
    $10,000 to $30,000
    $30,000 to $80,000
    $80,000 or more
    Whatever. Spend all you want; we'll run off more.
  48. How many cars do you have in your household?
    Three or more
    Just wheeled vehicles, or tracked vehicles too?
  49. Can you find child pornography on the net?
    No, and why would I want to?
    Yeh, if I really put my mind to it.
    Yes, I can do that pretty easily
    Yes, in under 2 minutes.
    I suppose so, but it's sort of like eating over the radio, if you catch my drift.
  50. Did you lie on this test?
    No, I never lie.
    Not this time
    Yeh, but only on a few questions
    Yes, on most or all of the questions
    To the best of my recollection, I do not remember.

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Back to Evil People Inc.

[Special thanks to Ben V Kloepper for some of the answers]
(Copyright 1997, All Rights Reserved)
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